The Rose-Xiao Long Show
by gamer4
Summary: Ruby and Yang find a camera, and commence the creation of The Greatest Show of All Time! (TM.) From sisterly advice to Blake's book reviews to Weiss being forced into gaming, all bets are off with the sisters in charge!
1. The Camera

Episode I

The Camera

"It's time for the Rose-Xiao Long Show!" Ruby cheers in the middle of her dorm room. "Introducing your hosts, me, Ruby Rose, and the bestest sister in the whole of Remnant's history, Yang Xiao Long!"

The door slams open and Yang bounces into the room, beaming at the camera set up on a tripod near the window. "Hello, one and all!" she calls out, hamming it up for all it's worth. "Welcome to the first episode of our show, here! Ruby, you wanna tell the good people how this show got started?"

"Oh!" Ruby blinks. "Well, we found a camera in the washing machine, so we decided to use it and start up a show!"

"I think they could use a little more than that, Rubes," Yang laughs. "Y'see, it all started when I was washing my bras and pan-"

"Aaaaaand, we don't have time for that," Ruby interrupted. "Let's just move along to... along to... along... oh, right."

"Something wrong, little sis?"

"We... we don't have a computer to edit the show, Yang! I was going to take us to the next segment, but how can I do that if we can't-"

"Well, why don't you ask the Ice Queen? I'm sure you could convince her to get us a computer! Hell, if this show is popular enough, you could even pay her back!"

"I don't know," Ruby looks away, tapping her index fingers together. "She's still kinda upset about the shoehorn incident..."

"Ah, you'd think she'd learn to take a joke already," Yang scoffs. "Look, just go up to her with tears coming out of your eyes, she'll be putty in your hands. Trust me."

"I don't think it'll be that easy," Ruby mumbles, "but I guess I can only try, right?"

"Atta girl!" Yang grins, thumping her on the back. "Now, about the camera- see, I'd just finished drying all my unmentionables when-"

"Okay, okay, okay! Time for the next segment!" Ruby quickly pipes up. "I'll just edit things the transition in later!"

"But Ruby, what about my-"

XXXX

_Blake's Book Review_

"Oh, hello. I'm Blake Belladonna, and... I'll be... reviewing some books?"

"You got it, Kitty Cat! I mean, you could use some extra pizzaz, but I'm not hoping for miracles here."

"...Right. Anyways, the first book I'd like to review is _**HOUSE **_of Lo- wait, what?"

"Something wrong, Blakey?"

"Yang... where did my copy of _**HOUSE**_ of Leaves go?"

"How do I know where you keep all your books?"

"It was at the top of this stack just a second ago, and there's nobody in the room right now except you and me!"

"Ah, how strange."

"For that matter, since when was every book in the stack a copy of Ninjas of Love?"

"Well, I thought you might want to start off with your favorite book! I mean, I catch you reading it every night..."

"_What did you do to my books, Yang?_"

"Review _that _book, and we'll talk."

"...I hate you."

"No you don't!"

"Ugh... fine. Ninjas of Love is a fascinating take on the feudal era of Animus, when the land was kept in check by Shinobi- more commonly known as the ninja. The story follows two ninjas of rival clans-"

"-who happen to be well endowed-"

"-who happen to be- Yang, shut _up!_"

"Just trying to add some spice!"

"It's not about _spice! _It's about the unfolding tragedy as two childhood friends struggle to balance their love for each other with their loyalty to their people!"

"And try to balance his massive-"

"YANG!"

"-sword, right? He uses a katana, doesn't he?"

"...You are impossible. Can you just let me do this review? I'd _like _to move on to _**HOUSE**_ of Leaves next episode..."

"I'll give you that book back after I'm done reading it- I'm really appreciating the descriptions of Johnny's-"

"YANG!"

"-dog! His loyal pet dog is _easily _the best part of the story."

"...Whatever. Two childhood friends get pitted against each other by their clans, they have to fight, blah blah blah, I'm sure you can see where it goes. I'm done."

"But you didn't even describe any of the sex-"

"I WILL SHOVE THAT CAMERA DOWN YOUR THROAT!"

XXXX

Nora Valkyrie and Lie Ren relax in a boat beneath the bright afternoon sun. Glancing to one side, Ren comments, "You know, this would probably be more fun if we were on water."

"Ah, water's boring!" Nora scoffs as she continues to row across grass with a manic grin on her face. "All boats go on water, but not ours! We're _non-conformists, _Ren! We don't _do _what society tells us to!"

"...If you say so."

"Besides, I have bad experiences with water, you know that!"

"...Since when?"

"Since _always! _My parents _died _on a boat, Ren!"

"...They did?"

"I thought I told you all about this!"

"As I recall, you said your parents were killed by-"

"A lake monster! We were rowing over Lake Vytal when this giant monster appeared just beneath the water! It was shaped like a giant question mark, following us all around the lake, no matter how hard we tried to get away! Suddenly, it appeared, bursting out of the water at fifteen times the speed of light! It was so horrendous that my father's head exploded on sight, while my mother went flying up into the atmosphere, crashing right into the moon, breaking it in half!"

"...Nora..."

"Yes, Ren?"

"I hate to say it, but... I'm having a hard time believing that."

"You don't _have _to believe it- you weren't there!"

"And at least I admit it."

XXXX

**PRANK CORNER WITH YANG**

Yang beams as she steps into her secret workshop- a disused classroom where she has all her favorite pranking paraphernalia strewn about more chaotically than the dark side of the moon. Don't think the moon is chaotic on the dark side? Have you _seen _it?

"Welcome to Prankster's Hangout, where I'll be showing you the latest and greatest pranks!" she beams. "Only the finest practical jokes here! Today, I _was _planning on pranking the Ice Queen, but as it turns out, we need her to buy us a computer, and I don't think pranking her again so soon after the shoehorn incident is exactly the best way to get on her _good _side. So instead, we'll be going after everyone's favorite asshats, Team CRDL!"

"Since this is the first prank I'm showing you on this show, we'll start off nice and simple- all you'll need for today's prank is some roller skates, and, of course, the greatest weapon in any prankster's arsenal... duct tape!"

Proudly, Yang reaches beneath her workbench and produces a roll of silver tape marked with a chick. "Yup! Duck-brand duct tape!" she beams proudly.

"So, for this one, you're going to want to wait for the middle of the night...

SSSS

"...before sneaking right to their door!" Yang continued in a hushed voice just outside Team CRDL's dorm. "Just outside, you're going to want to make a nice net of duct tape- make sure the sticky side is pointed towards their room...

"Then place the roller skates in just the right position. Now, I'm gonna leave this camera here overnight to capture the magic!"

SSSS

The camera waits all night before finally capturing Team CRDL's door opening, a yawning Cardin Winchester stepping out, directly into the carefully-laid roller skates, sending him careening into the duct tape. "What the _HELL?!_" he shouted. "I- I'm stuck!"

"Cardin?" The rest of his team is quick to exit the room to see their leader trapped in apparently the stickiest duct tape Yang could find.

The doors all around them slam open, and Cardin quickly finds himself the laughingstock of the hallway as everyone points and laughs at his polka-dot pajamas.

Yang makes her way to the front with the largest shit-eating grin she can muster. "Man, and I thought _Jaune's _jammies were embarrassing!"

"I'm gonna murder you, Xiao Long!" Cardin shouts, struggling against the tape- nonetheless, it held fast.

"Come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly," Yang quips, before reaching up and recovering her camera. "So, remember, ladies! If the guys don't find you _pretty, _they oughtta at least find you _punny!_"

...At which the entire crowd groans and dissipates quicker than a burst of steam. Yang looks around in surprise at finding herself alone in the hallway with the still-struggling Cardin. "...Was it something I said?"

XXXX

"Well, that act with Cardin earned us some points with the Ice Queen for sure," Yang notes as she paces around her room, Ruby sitting on the bed. "Maybe she's just glad not to be the butt of my pranks for once..."

"So she's gonna get us a computer?" Ruby asks hopefully.

"Well, I brought it up, and..."

"And?"

"And she's still not going for it. Something about ruining the moment with a bad one-liner."

"You _do _kinda tend to do that..."

"Ah, take that back!" Yang objects, bristling.

"I'll never apologize for telling the truth, sis," Ruby shakes her head. "But still, that's not good for the sake of the show..."

"I'm telling you, sis, you just gotta hit her with the ol' puppy eyes! That's how you got her to buy you five desserts that one time!"

"I already tried!" Ruby objects, her silver eyes filling with unshed tears as she speaks. "She put on a blindfold, then told me no!"

"She's got you pegged," Yang mutters, stroking her chin in thought.

"What now?" Ruby asks, tears starting to leak down her face. "If we don't have a computer, we can't finish the episode and start the greatest show ever!"

"I'm not gonna let that happen!" Yang says immediately- as though her sisterly instincts are being thrown into overdrive, she kneels down and pulls Ruby into a hug, patting her gently on the back. "In fact..." a dark smirk breaks across her face. "I just got an idea. An _awesome _idea."

"You're not gonna hurt her, are you?" Ruby interjects.

"No, of course not!... Only her pride."

"But how-"

"Ahp bup bup bup!" Yang interrupts, performing a passable impression of the Ice Queen in question. "You just get started on your next segment, and by the time you're done, we'll have our computer!"

"Alright... I'm trusting you."

"As you should!" Yang nods happily. "Oh, right! I never finished my story! So, the dryer was rattling around, which was weird, because I was pretty sure I got everything out of my-"

"Okay!" Ruby interrupts again. "It's time for the next segment!"

"...You and Blake are no fun, you know-"

XXXX

_SISTERLY ADVICE WITH RUBY_

Ruby sits behind a small desk in a dark room, smiling at the camera. "Hello, friends, and welcome to my first advice corner, where I give you the best help I can on any topic you can think of!... Of course, this is the first episode, so I don't really have any requests for advice, so... I'll just have to wing it!"

Ruby leans back and thinks a while. Abruptly, a light seems to cross her face. "Oh! Of course! Since Weiss keeps coming up so much this episode, I can talk about her! You know, it's funny... sometimes your bestest friends are the people who started out as your worst enemies... I'm guessing you guys already know I almost killed her with a sneeze when _we _first met! I mean, it was mostly _her _fault, waving that vial around in my face... then she yelled... and yelled... and yelled... but... but we're all cool now!"

Ruby's smile wavers between sad and bright as she continues. "I mean, she's saved me in battle so many times- that's good! But then she yells for half an hour about how I should have improved my stance... that's bad... but then she buys me cookies! That's good! Then... then she bumps me on the head for eating too fast... that's bad... but then she gets me coffee with cream and five sugars, just the way I like it! That's good! But then... then... what was I talking about again?

"Oh, right- so be open with everyone- even the people who seem like your opposite! You never know what corner your super-besty-better-than-the-resty might be hiding behind!

"Anyways, if you've got anything you want advice on, feel free to let me know! I'm standing with you- we're all in this together!"

XXXX

**ADVENTURE TIME WITH PYRRHA AND JAUNE**

Hello, again! This is Pyrrha Nikos, reporting from the middle of the Emerald Forest! Jaune is here with me- he's huddled in the corner, clinging onto the sides of his head and saying something about changing his name to Felipe to avoid the copyright censors. I'm not really sure what he's talking about...

Anyways, I'm not _entirely _sure what's going on here, but Yang entrusted us with this camera and asked us to investigate some caves in the Emerald Forest, so... that's where we are. I _did _express some concerns about how my semblance might interact with the camera, but she just said, 'After what _I _put it through, standing up to a little magnetism shouldn't be a problem.' Er... I'm not certain I _want _to know what she was talking about.

Anyways, it didn't take us long to find the same cave where we found that deathstalker during initiation- apparently, the theory is that it must have been guarding some sort of fabulous treasure. I don't _quite _follow the line of logic behind it, but when Jaune got that _gleam _in his eyes, I... I just couldn't say _no!_

At any rate, here we are, going through the cave. He made the torch just as fabulously as last time- in fact, this time, he only set himself on fire twice before it was ready! We had a lovely chat as we went further into the cave, until I mentioned the name of our segment- according to Yang- and then he collapsed, and... well, there you go. You're up to speed.

I kneel down next to him and struggle to assure him that whatever he's afraid of, it's nothing to worry about, really. He counters by saying that 'these people' know no mercy- he'd rather fight an army of deathstalkers than a single one of 'them.' Still not sure what he's talking about, but after enough pep talk, he finally rises to his feet and continues deeper into the cave.

It's refreshing to come through here without the imminent threat of a deathstalker on our tail- such a different experience, for certain. The warmth that heralded its approach last time is replaced by a refreshing breeze. As before, I allow Jaune to lead the way- he has a knack for finding things, after all- whether they were what we expected or not.

In this case, what we find is an army of mutated creeps of some sort that explode upon seeing us. It's... rather odd. Jaune defended me from most of the damage- just another reason I lo-er, respect him.

To my surprise, at the center of the carnage is a worn, weathered treasure chest of some sort- at least, I think that's what it is. It's difficult to tell through the hurricane of grimm innards. I hold the torch, allowing him the honor of opening the chest. He hums a song to himself as he does it, proudly presenting the contents upon a final, triumphant four notes. And this is... oh, my. I'm sure the others will love to see this.

XXXX

_**WEISS'S GAMING EXPERIENCE**_

Weiss Schnee sighs as she takes a seat behind a computer, rubbing her forehead vigorously. "Of all the inane, idiotic... ahem. Welcome to my segment for the show, in which I have been _browbeated _into trying out these... video games." Disdain is clear upon her face as she starts up the computer. "I would hardly be interested in these... brain-rotters under most circumstances, but Xiao Long seems all too eager to brush aside my ability to adapt to any situation- just because I do _not _play games doesn't mean I _can't. _Seemingly as a challenge, she gave me today's game- Sekiro. I believe it has something to do with Blake's _Ninjas of Love _books, but I can't really be certain.

Weiss sighs. "This game had _better _be worth it- I had to buy a new computer just to _play _it. Apparently, there's no other way, and if we're going to have a computer, it may as well be the best. Now... let's begin. Naturally, I expect to be finished with this game by the time night falls."

She turns her gaze towards the screen. "Ah... the tutorial. I will, of course, learn immediately."

She advances swiftly through, a small, smug smile forming. "You see? Perfection simply comes naturally to me. Now, for the first... 'boss encounter,' I believe that barbarian calls it?"

She rushes forward, and is swiftly killed. Her face adopts the look of one that has swallowed a lemon whole. "What- but that- that was... ridiculous!"

Her expression shifts as the game continues. "Oh, I see... you are _intended _to lose that fight. It seems an odd choice to me, but who am I to complain? I _will _triumph over this game- just wait!"

From here, she sets off into the wild, climbing around a snowy mountain- where she is swiftly murdered by a pack of snarling wolves. Her lips pucker. "Well... I suppose one death is well within boundaries. I will continue... surely I will prevail soon enough."

"Two deaths is hardly worse than one."

"Five is... five..."

"Ten deaths?! Ten deaths before finding another boss? This is getting ridiculous!"

"A CHICKEN?! A *redacted* CHICKEN *redacted* KILLED ME? HOW DOES A TRAINED *redacted* NINJA GET KILLED BY A *redacted* CHICKEN?! THIS IS THE BIGGEST LOAD OF *redacted* *redacted* I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY *redacted* LIFE! WHAT SORT OF SADISTIC *redacted* MADE A GAME WHERE YOU PLAY AS A NINJA WHOSE GREATEST ENEMIES ARE *redacted* CHICKENS?!"

The door opens behind her to reveal Ruby. "Um... Weiss? Is something wrong?"

"THIS *redacted* GAME IS WHAT'S *redacted* WRONG, RUBY!" Weiss shouts back, heedless to Ruby staggering back, eyes wide. "YOUR *redacted* SISTER HAS ME PLAYING THIS *redacted* GAME FOR YOUR *redacted* SHOW, AND IT'S DRIVING ME TO THE EDGE!"

Ruby tilts her head, taking only one thing away from what she was seeing. "Wait... WE GOT A COMPUTER?!"

Weiss glances back. "Yes, yes, we got a computer," she grumbles. "It was the only way to play this game."

"This game?" Ruby asks, paying more attention. "Sekiro?"

"Yes."

"Shadows Die Twice?"

"Yes. Is there something wrong with that?"

"Nothing _wrong _with it, it's just... we don't _need _a computer to play it. We have a Gamestation."

"...You mean, this game is _on _Gamestation?"

"Yeah."

Weiss stands up, ramrod straight, abandoning the computer altogether. "Where... where are you going?" Ruby asks, slightly unnerved by Weiss's sudden shift in tone.

"To do to Yang... what that ogre did to me," Weiss hisses, storming out of the room, leaving Ruby somewhat befuddled in her wake.

XXXX

Ruby leans back in her bed, kicking her legs happily as she awaits the entrance of her sister. When she arrives, the entire right side of her body is frosted over. Ruby's smile slips slightly at the sight. "I'm guessing Weiss got to you."

"She... really n-n-needs... to l-l-learn to... t-t-take a joke," Yang stammers through chattering teeth.

"Well, at least we've got a computer!" Ruby grins brightly. "The show is good to go, now! I've even got us something for next episode!"

"What m-m-m-might that b-b-be?" Yang asks, sitting across from her.

Ruby grins as she produces an old, tattered paper. "Pyrrha and Jaune found a treasure map! And it looks like whatever it leads to... is right here in Beacon!"

Yang grins. "Now _th-that's _a n-n-nice s-s-segway to n-next episode!"

"Yup!" Ruby nods, gently laying the parchment on her bedside table. "All's well that ends well, and all that!"

"Except I never finished my story!" Yang realizes with a snap of her fingers. "So, I was rooting through my-"

"Sorry, Yang, episode's over!" Ruby cuts her off again. "Guess you'll just have to save it for next time! Until then, thank you to our author, Gamer4, and our beta reader, GeorgeKYST!"

Yang grumbles, but continues. "Be sure to tune in next time, when... well, I guess we'll be finding out what that treasure map leads to. In the meantime..."

"Be sure to leave some reviews for us!" Ruby picks up cheerfully. "Requests for books to review, games to play, advice to give- heck, we might even have a mail-reading segment next time!"

"Don't hold your breath on that, Rubes," Yang smiles. "But anyways, until then- Don't wait too _Long! _We've got _Rose _more coming your way!"

A ringing silence fell, Ruby delivering a very obvious cringe. "We... _really _need to work on that signoff."


	2. The Treasure Hunt

Episode II

The Treasure Hunt

"It's time for the Rose-Xiao Long Show!" Ruby cheers from atop her bunk. "Starring me, Ruby Rose, and, of course, the fantastic, the wonderful, the slightly top-heavy... Yang Xiao Long!"

The door smashes in with the force of a neutron bomb to reveal Yang with burning red eyes. "_What _was that last thing, _Rubes?_"

"Nothing, you must be hearing things!" Ruby amends quickly. "Anyways, things have really been picking up since last time- especially because, you know, we can actually make real episodes now!"

"That new computer treating you well?" Yang asks.

"Oh, of course- you didn't think Weiss would settle for anything other than the best, right?"

"'Course not," Yang nods, a smile returning to her face. "Anyways, a lot's happened since the last episode- you know, when Jaune and Pyrrha brought that treasure map in. Didn't take long for us to decide we _had _to find out what it led to, so we tried taking it to Professor Peach- but she was out. Shocker. So then we tried taking it to Oobleck, but he just took an hour to determine that... it was a map. So then-"

"Um, Yang?" Ruby interrupts. "This story's really interesting and all, but I think there might be some watchers out there who might find it... boring."

"Boring?" Yang objects. "It's a _treasure hunt- _how could that be boring?"

"I mean, do you really wanna list _everyone _we took that map to before we finally found anything out?" Ruby points out. "I don't want that list to take up the whole episode!"

"It's part of the story, Rubes."

"Well, how about this," Ruby suggests. "I'll send the viewers off to the next segment, then you can finish the list- you know, _off-_screen."

"You're not _really _gonna cut me off again, are y-"

XXXX

_BLAKE'S BOOK REVIEW_

"Okay, good, we've got the _bumper _fixed, at least," Blake sighs. "Anyways, welcome to my segment of this show, where I go through my favorite books and attempt to explain to you just why they're so great." As she takes a seat in a chair, she reaches to her side, producing a rather hefty tome. "Now, I didn't get to review _**HOUSE**_ of Leaves last week, so I thought I'd take _this _opportunity to go over it. Now, the actual fun with this book starts right from the synopsis, which clearly states, _The book you are about to read is severely unpleasant..._ wait a minute."

Blake turns the book around to examine the cover. She glares at the camera. "Yang, this isn't _**HOUSE**_ of Leaves."

"Yeah, I know."

"What is this?"

"That, Blakey-dear, is the complete edition of _A Series of Unfortunate Events_."

"Yes, I can _see _that," Blake growls. "But why isn't it _**HOUSE**_ of Leaves?"

"Because the watchers have spoken- they don't _want _to hear about _**HOUSE**_ of Leaves, they want to hear about A Series of Unfortunate Events."

"What makes you think _I _care what the fans want?!" Blake shouts. "Give me back my book!"

"Oh, come _on, _Blake, the watchers are always right! Don't make me break out the big guns..."

Blake sighs. "Alright... I'll review this instead. But I want my book back next time."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"I'll think about it."

Blake narrows her eyes before returning to the book. "Alright, A Series of Unfortunate Events... Dust, I haven't read this since before my time in the Fang... from what I _remember, _though, there are thirteen books, with thirteen chapters each. Makes me wonder why they didn't go the whole way, make each chapter have thirteen pages, each with thirteen paragraphs, each with thirteen words, each with thirteen letters.

"...Actually, that sounds like the kind of thing Mark Danielewski would do."

"We're not hear to talk about evolution, Blake!"

Blake raises a deadpan glare towards the camera. "I don't want to _know _where you got that idea from. Anyways, when it comes to messing with the audience, _Unfortunate Events _isn't actually that far behind _**HOUSE.**_ The books are presented as the work of one of the story's characters to document the lives of the main characters, because... spoilers. I'm guessing most of you only know this series through the Netflix adaptation, or the movie that came out a ways back, staring Tim Larry." She sighs. "Dust, I _hated _that movie."

"I liked it well enough!"

"Don't care what you think, Yang," Blake shoots back. "I'll give it credit for managing to capture _some _of the book's feeling- it has a similar sense of black comedy, somehow tricking the audience into laughing at just how _bleak _everything is. The story centers on three siblings born into wealth and privilege who have their world turned on its head when their parents die in a mysterious fire."

"So they're Batman?"

"..._No, _Yang, they're not Batman."

"Harry Potter?"

"...No."

"Luke Skywalker?"

"No."

"Rey What's-Her-Smeg?"

"DUST no," Blake snarls. "Look, do you want me to do this review or not?"

Silence.

Blake grunts, then gets back to it. "They attempt to pick up the pieces of their lives, but are relentlessly dogged by the evil Count Olaf, who seeks their fortune."

"More like Count Oafer, am I right?"

"YANG, ONE MORE INTERRUPTION, AND I'M BRINGING THIS REVIEW TO AN END!"

"..."

"Good. Now, as I was saying, it initially seems like he's just in it to get rich, but as the story progresses, we start to question why he really seems to hate them so much, and begin to see that even he may be nothing but a pawn in an even greater plan. This is all told to us by the author, Lemony Snicket, who-"

"I'd like to make this _show _a little lemony, if you know what I mean..."

The review comes to an end as Blake attempts to disembowel her partner.

XXXX

**TALES OF VALKYRIA**

"Oh, sweet, we finally get our own bumper, Ren!" Nora cheers as they lean against a tree under the bright sun.

"Glad to hear it, Nora," Ren nods, sounding half-asleep as ever.

"You know, Ren, I was just thinking... we're young, at the prime of our lives, about to graduate from school..."

"We're less than halfway through our first year, Nora."

"So close!" Nora repeats. "So, I was thinking, it would be a shame to let all this youthful vitality go to waste!"

"Nora..." Ren asks cautiously. "What are you getting-"

"We should go into business for ourselves!" Nora whoops.

"...Business?" Ren asks, feeling his bones grow tired already.

"Yeah, I've always thought I was cut out for the transportation business. Traveling far and wide, protecting my caravans from grimm- that's a good thing, you know, wouldn't have to pay hunters, because I _am _a huntress- and bringing haves to the have-nots!"

"I think you may have tripped over your words a little, there," Ren mutters. "But okay, I'll bite- what exactly do you think you'll be transporting?"

"Oh, a little of this, a little of that," Nora answers evasively. "You need to get into the _spirit _of things, Ren! You know what they say- the postal service is the _real _hero of Remnant!"

"...Are you talking about becoming a trucker, or a mailwoman? Those _are _different things-"

"I've even thought up the perfect slogan!" Nora continues, raising her voice. "'If you got it, a Valkyrie brought it!'"

Ren remains silent for a while before answering. "Nora... we're already in enough trouble with the copyright people as is."

"The copyright people? _They're here?" _Nora panicks, leaping to her feet and unleashing her trusty hammer Maghnild.

"No, Nora, there aren't actually any-"

"_Come and get me, imperialist scum!_" Nora shouts as she charges into the trees, firing off grenades like they're free. Ren sighs before rushing in after her.

XXXX

**PRANK CORNER WITH YANG**

Yang sighs momentarily. "_Really _need to get that bumper fixed. We can afford to fix Blake's, and give one to Nora, but _no, _mine is 'just fine for now...'"

Remembering that she's on camera, she turns towards it, beaming. "Hello, and welcome once again to Prankster's Hangout, where I show off the latest and greatest of pranks! We'll be _stepping things up _this time with another shoe-related prank!"

She waits eagerly for the audience laughter.

There is none.

Pouting slightly, she continues. "Anyways, today, we'll be doing a variation on an old classic- the joybuzzer. I've always thought it was a tad unfair- you know, the hand is the one getting all the joy! If you know what I mean..."

She pauses to waggle her eyebrows.

There's still no laughter.

"You people are no fun. Anyways, the point of today's prank is to get the foot in on the action! For today, you'll need a joybuzzer- of course- the shoes of your chosen victim- and, of course, the greatest weapon in any prankster's arsenal- duct tape!"

She grins as she produces the silver roll and begins struggling to rip off the end. "You know... people have asked... Yang, why duct tape? But the fact is... it's so versatile... you's be surprised how much you can do... with just a simple roll of duct-"

She tears off the end with a tad too _much _force, accidentally unrolling the whole thing, somehow managing to wrap herself up in the bargain, becoming little more than a duct-tape mummy.

This is exactly the moment that Ruby chooses to walk it. Her silver eyes widen. "Yang, holy *redacted*!"

The moment the expletive leaves her mouth, she claps her hands over the orifice, eyes widening even further... in horror. Yang's eyes clap down on her sister, narrowing in fury. Ruby chuckles nervously as she backs towards the door, as her sister's body heat rises enough to begin melting the tape away.

...We should probably revisit this later.

XXXX

_INTERVIEW FROM A ROSE_

Sun and Neptune are walking through the halls of Beacon, laughing about some stupid, non-show-related subject when Ruby approaches them with a camera in her hand and a bar of soap in her mouth.

"Um... Ruby?" Neptune finally takes the initiative to ask. "What's with the... uh..."

Ruby's eyes look away somewhat shamefacedly, prompting Sun to reach out and remove the soap. "Thanks, guys... Yang said... I'm not allowed to take it out, but she didn't say anything about anyone else doing it!"

"Why did she put it there in the first place?" Sun asks, eyebrows rising.

"...I don't wanna talk about it," Ruby admits, glancing away. "Anyways, we're starting up a new segment on the show- we want to interview the other people of Beacon, see them weigh in on things..."

"Show?" Neptune asks curiously. "What show?"

"Oh, nothing, just the greatest show on earth, airing on Beacon TV every Sunday from noon to one," Ruby shrugs, laughing nervously. "No big deal, really."

"Oh, you mean _that _show!" Neptune snaps his fingers.

"_You _know what she's talking about?" Sun asks incredulously.

Neptune smacks him upside the head before pulling him to the side. "Of course not, but do you _really _want to make her cry?"

Sun shuddered. "No, no. That doesn't sound appealing. At all."

"Exactly. Just play along." Turning back around, he asks, "So, whatcha want to know, Ruby?"

"Oh! Um..." Ruby visibly thinks about it for a while before beaming. "Oh! I've always wanted to know why you had to stow away on the boat coming here, if you were coming from Vacuo! Shouldn't your school have paid your way?"

Neptune visibly cringes as Sun turns a glare towards him. "That... is a long story, Rubes, involving Neptune's plans for a free chocolate sundae, an effort at seduction, and throwing _his good friend _and _team leader _under the bus after things went south!"

"I said I was sorry!"

"Sorry doesn't get me my passport back!"

"Sorry... sorry to bring up old ghosts," Ruby interrupted. "Maybe... maybe I should just leave you to it?"

"You're never gonna forgive me, are you?" Neptune asks sheepishly, completely ignoring Ruby.

"I'll forgive you when those two cops stop giving me the stinkeye whenever I pass!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...You're never gonna forgive me, are you?"

Ruby takes the opportunity to turn and slink away- right before bumping into Yang, glaring down at her with red eyes. Ruby whimpers. Yang does not relent. Ruby sighs and opens her mouth, allowing the insertion of a fresh bar of soap.

XXXX

_Later that day..._

"So, Ruby... you've learned your lesson?" Yang asks as they re-enter their dorm.

"Yeah... don't say anything in real life I wouldn't allow on the show."

"Anything else?"

"...You have a really fruity taste in soap?"

"...Whatever. Anyways, we were telling them about the treasure hunt..."

"Oh, right!" Ruby perks up. "So, by the time we took the map to Tukson down at the book trade, we were starting to wonder if _anyone _knew what it was, when we realized we hadn't even shown it to the smartest guy around- Professor Ozpin, of course!"

"Right, so we took it up to him, and... well, he just kinda turned pale when he looked at it. He asked where we got it, we told him, in a cave down in the Emerald Forest. He said something about leaving a deathstalker to guard it, then just kinda ripped it up then and there."

"That was weird," Ruby recalls. "Not that it mattered- we'd taken like, forty pictures on our scrolls, and even if we hadn't, we'd looked at it so much since we got it that it was basically burned into our memories."

"It was about that time that I realized I'd been looking at it upside down," Yang stepped in, rubbing the back of her head sheepishly. "Talk about embarrassing- it was a map of Beacon! Had all the dorms and everything!"

"A really old one, too- it didn't have the mausoleum on it," Ruby points out.

"Exactly! So, we figured, whatever this treasure was, it had to be _really _valuable, so we start digging right where the X was... right in the middle of the cafeteria!"

Ruby shudders. "Um... Yang? Is it okay if we go to the next segment now? I don't want flashbacks to Goodwitch's reaction..."

Yang follows suit, trembling more heavily than the last time Weiss froze her. "Good point, Rubes- get it up. What do you do to bring up the next segment, by the way? Do you just-"

XXXX

_SISTERLY ADVICE WITH RUBY_

Ruby grins from behind her desk. "Hey, everyone, and welcome back to my advice corner, where I give you the best tips on how to deal with every-day situations! Unfortunately, it looks like no one submitted anything they needed help with this time... so I'll just dip into my reservoir of topics provided by our editor, Mr. George... George... Kisser? Something like that? I don't have the notecards in front of me right now..."

She clears her throat. "So, what George Kissologist thought I should talk about is, the ups and downs of being a good leader! And let me tell you, being leader isn't _nearly _as easy as some might think! You have to draw up battle strategies, take the blame for your teammate's failures, and if there aren't enough cookies to go around, _you _have to be the one to give up your share." Her eyes begin to shine with unshed tears. "Never again, my friends... never again."

"On the other hand, when you _do _gain the trust and appreciation of your team, let me tell you, _nothing _feels better! When you can all work together as one unit to accomplish _anything_\- including raiding the pantry for replacement cookies!" She lowers her voice and glares off to one side. "I knew those rotten liars were keeping some cookies somewhere..."

Another clearing of her throat, and she has focused once more. "So, yeah, I guess- there are good parts, and bad parts, but the good _really _outweighs the bad on this one! I'd sacrifice a hundred cookies if it meant getting to spend one more day in Team RWBY!" After a moment, she blinks and her eyes widen in horror. "I... I probably shouldn't have said that on camera. Yang! Yang, don't watch this part!"

After a moment, she gets herself back under control. "Anyways... if _you _guys have anything bothering you that you think _I _can help with, don't be a stranger! Leave a message, and I'll be happy to answer! Remember- I'm standing with you! We're all in this together!"

XXXX

**PRANK CORNER WITH YANG (CONT.)**

"Okay," Yang claps her hands together. "Now that we've got all _that _under control, let's see if we can actually get this done. This time around, I've got Ruby on duct tape safety, isn't that right, Rubes?" The camera bobs up and down. "Alright, so, as I was saying, you need the duct tape, the joybuzzer, and your victim's shoes! For today, in the hopes of breaking her out of her shell a bit, I've chosen one Penny Polendina!"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait... Penny?" comes Ruby's voice from behind the camera.

"Well, yeah- I thought she might feel more welcome if we play a little prank on her!"

"That... that stuff won't seriously hurt her, will it?"

"Relax, Rubes, the only way it would hurt her is if her legs were made of metal!" Yang glances to the side. "I really don't want to imagine what the results of _that _would be."

Ruby clears her throat. "Um... Yang? Maybe we should do this with someone else."

"What? You don't wanna include your friend?"

"It's not that, it's just... I think she told me the other day that... she said... er... that if she were ever to feel an electric shock in her legs, it would cause an instant heart attack!"

"A heart attack?" Yang asked. "From a shock to the legs?" The camera bobs up and down again. "One heckuva condition she's got there. Well, luckily, I anticipated that you might want a switch, so I also picked up some backup shoes- these belong to one of those transfer students- can't remember his name off the top of my head."

"Yeah, that sounds good," Ruby sighs in relief.

"Anyways, what you wanna do... is use the tape to lock the buzzer into the shoe!" Yang presents her finished product with pride. "Now we just leave it in his room and wait for the magic to happen!"

SSSS

The next morning dawns, bright and early. The camera captures Team CEMN's door opening, Mercury Black stepping out. "I already told you, I don't _know _where- oh!" He sees the shoes left outside the door. "Found 'em! Must have kicked 'em off outside..."

He slips them both on, then suddenly stands up straight as a staff. "What the- I... I don't know what's going on!"

His legs are beginning to vibrate, before he abruptly takes off down the hallway, a strategically-placed series of cameras capturing his flight down into the courtyard, where his legs seem to suddenly explode, sending him careening back into the building.

Yang, standing nearby, stares open-mouthed at the fallout of her prank. "Oh, um... didn't expect that to happen." She turns to the nearest camera. "Well, uh... remember ladies, if the guys don't find you pretty, they oughtta at least find you punny!" She doesn't wait for a reaction, immediately dashing into the building to begin hiding the evidence.

XXXX

**ADVENTURE TIME WITH JAUNE AND PYRRHA**

Oh, hey, guys! Jaune here- Pyrrha and I thought we'd trade off narration duty for this segment. I'm sure you're wondering what wacky adventures we got up to this time, right? Right? Ri- uggghhhh...

Well, this time, we decided to go camping after Goodwitch found us tearing up the floor in the middle of the cafeteria. We thought it would be... best, y'know, to just wait out here for the fallout. Sure, out here, you run the risk of encountering the occasional deathstalker... nevermore... ursa major... so on and so forth, but I'd rather deal with all those things at once than an angry Glynda.

So, this morning, I woke up on the early side, rolled over, saw Pyrrha still sleeping away. She had some hair falling over her face, so I brushed it aside, and she muttered in her sleep, "Five more minutes..." It's one of those really cute things- umm... never mind, moving on now!

I thought I'd go out and catch us some fish to cook up for breakfast, so I took her spear, Milo, which... we trained each other to use our weapons before, just in case, y'know? She took to Crocea Mors like a champ, and... well, I'm never gonna be to her level with Milo, of course, but it's really the best weapon we have for catching some fish. As long as I keep it in spear form, I should be good- I had to fill out a form saying I wasn't allowed to use the rifle form after the shoehorn incident...

So I headed out to the river with a bucket for fish and a spear for skewering. I waded out into the water, and... people say it's really polluted, but I don't know what they're talking about. It's a beautiful river, as long as you avoid the occasional soda can... plastic cup... that refrigerator that knocked me over...

So I was lying in the water, my head all fuzzy, when another girl comes along and helps me up- she had beautiful dark skin and light green hair... Emerald, I think she said her name was? I've seen her around- she's one of the handlers for that girl from Haven- the one who apparently flunked out her senior year seven or eight times...

She smiles at me, and asks if I'm okay. Her smile seemed a little forced, so I didn't give her my usual spiel- I just introduced myself, as I am, mentioned I'm Pyrrha's partner, and that I was out here to catch some fish. Her eyes got this light in them, and she started asking questions- like what Pyrrha's semblance is, what she's like when the camera's not on her, what her blood type is, her exact measurements... all the usual stuff women ask about each other, I'd imagine.

I told her I couldn't tell her _that _stuff, but I could show her some nice fishing techniques. She sighed, and decided to let it happen. We waited a while for a fish to come when I spotted one and lashed out with Milo. Except... well, it wasn't a fish, exactly... it turned out to be Emerald's foot.

Wow... that went _straight _through. She must not have had her aura up, but... _darn, _if that doesn't look painful. We worked for a while, trying to get it out, but the thing is... Milo's designed more for spearing things than being pulled out- without doing even more damage, that is... so, by the time we finally got it out, it was an injury that even her aura would take some time to heal.

I'm turning around, trying to find a way to apologize, when I smack her in the face with the flat end of the spear. But here's the thing, guys- this Emerald girl, she's- she's a gem, she really is, she completely forgives me for all of it. I can't imagine much of anyone else doing that- I know if I did this to Ren, Nora would find out somehow, then... well, the next bit of pollution people would be tripping over would be my head.

Her teeth were gritting by then, which- definitely nothing against her, she has the right, but she's still forgiving me, which is great, when I turn again and spy a nice big fish off in the distance. I don't want it to go, so without thinking, I shift Milo into its rifle form and fire. The problem was, y'see, I was kinda... I was kinda holding it backwards, so instead of shooting at the fish, I kinda shot Emerald in the chest and point-blank range... I guess she must have put her aura up in the meantime, 'cause instead of just dropping dead, she went careening into a tree instead... it was still enough to knock her out, which was good, because... as even-tempered as she'd been so far, I don't think she'd stand for this one. I just kinda grabbed the next fish I could and ran back to the campsite.

Pyrrha was up by then, and I just kinda quickly explained the situation in the simplest terms. She scolded me, of course, but she acknowledged that sometimes, things happen. She decided to just eat the fish on her own as punishment, which was fine with me, because frankly, after seeing what Milo did to Emerald's foot, I didn't have much of an apatite left anyways.

After that, she thanked me for the meal and held me close for a while. I tell ya, man, it's moments like this that really make everything worth it.

XXXX

THE LONG MAIL BAG

Ruby and Yang sit in an empty classroom on opposite sides of a desk. "This a new segment, Rubes?" Yang asks.

"Yup!" Ruby nods cheerfully. "I thought, this being the second episode, we could open up a segment where we respond to some of our watcher's reviews directly!"

"Oh, sweet! What we got?" Yang asks eagerly.

"Well, we only got three reviews- not bad for a first episode, I might add- so we should be able to go through them all!" Ruby grins.

"Alright, fire away!"

"Let's see... our first letter ever is from SpiderShadow5!" Ruby beams, producing the letter. "Let's see... _Yang, do you really need to talk about..._ oh... never mind, he didn't say anything interesting!"

"Are you sure?" Yang asks, attempting to lean over and examine the letter as Ruby rushes to hide it. "Sounds like he was building up to something."

"No, no, it was nothing!" Ruby shakes her head frantically. "Really! Really. Nothing."

Yang narrows her eyes suspiciously, but backs off. Ruby glances back at the camera making a motion across her throat. "Ixnay on the underwear-ay," she practically whispers.

"What was that?"

"Nothing! Next letter!" Ruby raises her voice. "This one is from Urquineath! _Right, a book review..._ There's nothing really addressed to us in this one, it's just suggestions for the other segments."

"Oh, right, I saw that one," Yang recalls. "Next!"

"Alright, finally, from BLOOD DARKLING- I think Blake would like this guy. He says... he says..."

"Ruby?" Yang asks, glancing at her sister with concern. "Something wrong?"

"HE KNOWS ABOUT THE RED GREEN SHOW!" Ruby screams, leaping to her feet. "HE KNOWS WHERE WE GOT THIS IDEA, YANG!"

Yang's eyes snap open in unbridled terror. "WE'RE GOING INTO LOCKDOWN!"

"DEFCON 1! WE HAVE BEEN COMPROMISED!" Ruby screams into the camera. "REPEAT, WE HAVE BEEN COMPROMISED!"

Yang leaps to her feet, clapping her hands four times in quick succession. Shielding made of duct tape clamps down over every entrance to the room, sealing it in shadows, where the two sisters huddle together, whimpering.

"It's going to be okay, Ruby... it's gonna be okay..."

"Who're you trying to convince, me or yourself?"

The door suddenly opens, somehow forcing its way through the duct tape barrier, revealing a short figure in white. "_What _are you two dolts _doing?_"

"AAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH!"

XXXX

_**WEISS'S GAMING EXPERIENCE**_

Weiss is once again sitting alone in a dark room, her face lit only by the glow of her scroll. "Those two, honestly..."

She sighs. "Welcome to my segment, where I'm forced into playing the mindless drivel produced by the oversaturated gaming industry. Today's game will be a title in what I hear is the massively popular Kirby series- I know nothing about it, except that a watcher apparently requested it. The title in particular seems to be Kirby Super Star, an alleged five games in one. I'd normally not entertain the idea, but they're all apparently remarkably short, so I'll give them a go for you."

Weiss begins the game and clicks through the menus for a bit before settling on one mode in particular. "Well, this seems remarkably straightforward- you play as an adorable pink ball that goes around eating things. I feel like I've seen this concept before... never mind. Let's see, how do you... attack..."

Her eyes widen as she presses a button and inhales an enemy. Following a prompt on screen, she pressed down, transforming Kirby slightly to take on traits of the enemy he'd just inhaled. "What... what _is _this?" she gasps. "What sort of monster am I?"

She plays rapidly through the remainder of the mode, taking out King Dedede with a surprising level of finesse. Dyna Blade likewise falls by her hand before she collects every treasure in the Great Cave Offensive. As she continues, her hands grip the controller tighter and tighter.

As Meta Knight falls to her, she is biting her lip hard enough to draw blood, and by the time she has finished the game by defeating Marx in Milky Way Wishes, her eyes have abruptly turned bloodshot. "What... what twisted mind _conceived _of this?!" she shrieks. "You... you play as some abomination that deigns to consume all it comes into contact with! No, not just consume... it _absorbs _its enemies into its greater collective! Nothing can fall before it! That penguin from the first chapter- King Dedede! He was a brave hero, attempting to stop the monster by stealing its food! Any general will, of course, agree that starvation tactics are the best way to assure victory, but... but that monster just tracked him down and ate _him, _too!

"The bird... the bird attempted to fight as well, doing all it could to protect its young, but... but what is such instinct when compared to this monstrosity?!

"In the next chapter, it moves throughout the earth from which it came, reclaiming all the treasures and trophies dedicated to its life of endless depravity! So many references to other games- no universe is safe from this abomination!

"Once more, a brave hero stands up against it- Meta Knight! A brave warrior in shining armor bent on killing the beast- except just to rub the salt in, the beast kills him with the very method he sought to use against it!

"And that final chapter... another abomination comes... another god! But it doesn't matter, not to the doomed world of Popstar- should Kirby win, they are condemned to an eternity of suffering and consumption at the hands of their pink overlord. Things are little better should Marx win, for he will simply annihilate them all in an instant! No matter who wins, we lose! And Kirby wins! _Kirby wins! _He will continue to leech off of Popstar and Dreamland until there is nothing left- then he will move on to new worlds! You're next! _You're next!" _She leaps to her feet and begins screaming in the camera's face. "YOU'RE NEXT!"

XXXX

Yang and Ruby look awkwardly at the feed from Weiss's gaming room. "Should we... talk to her?" Yang asks tentatively.

"Let's wrap up this episode, then we'll go do that, yeah," Ruby nods.

Yang clears her throat before turning back to the camera. "Anyways, Goodwitch chases us out of the cafeteria, when- wouldn't you know it? We spot a button in the elevator we never noticed before, labeled 'Secret Vault- do not enter- _ever!' _I mean, we didn't make the connection right away, but when we pressed it and started going down, Weiss suddenly realized it would lead us right to the place marked on the map."

"How did we never notice that there before?" Ruby wonders. "Anyways, we step in, but we just run into these two guys dressed in black suits! One was an older guy with grey hair and everything, and the other was a tall black guy with-"

"Whoah, whoah, Rubes, you can't just say that!" Yang interjects.

"Say what?"

"You're gonna offends someone!"

"What did I say?"

"You spelled gray with an 'e'!"

"...I was saying it out loud, Yang, what does it matter how I spell it?"

"Hm... good point," Yang acknowledges. "Yeah, so anyways, they put these things into our faces and they make a bright flash, and the next thing we know, we're back in our dorm! I tell you, man, some weird things happen here at Beacon."

"And that's why we're here! To record it all and make it into the greatest show on Remant!" Ruby nods cheerfully.

"You got that right," Yang nods, grinning. "Red Green Show or not, this is _our _show, and nobody can take it away!"

Ruby hops to her feet. "Thank you all so much for watching! A special thank you to our producer, Gamer4, and our editor, GeorgeKYST! Oh, that's what it was..."

"All you watchers out there, feel free to leave us letters with suggestions of books to review, games to play, advice to give, or just comment on in our mail corner!" Yang put in. Smirking, she finishes it off with, "Until then- don't wait to _Long, _we've got _Rose _more coming your way!"

Ruby struggles to restrain herself from hitting her head against the wall. "Oh, yeah, and comment if you have a better sign-off phrase, too..."


	3. Weiss Schnee Becomes a Cultist

Episode III

Weiss Schnee Becomes a Cultist

"It's time for the Rose-Xiao Long show!" Ruby cheers in the middle of a dorm room looking distinctly more disheveled than usual. "Allow me to introduce your hosts! I'm here, of course, the impeccable Ruby Rose, and please give a warm welcome to the greatest sister in the multiverse, the incomparable Yang Xiao Long!"

The door swings open revealing a Yang distinctly more disheveled than usual. Nevertheless, she gives her usual grin as she struts into the middle of the room, waving for the camera. "Your introductions are getting better, Rubes," she nods. "We're gonna be pros at this in no time!"

"Pros? We're already pros! We're gonna be _professionals!_"

Yang stares at her sister for a moment before smiling, shaking her head, and moving on. "Anyways, we had a _crapload _of stuff going on over here since the last episode. Blake's been trying to kill me for hiding her book, there was the hearing- might talk more about that later... Weiss starting up that cult..."

Ruby groans. "Do we _really _have to tell that story? I'm still trying to get over it."

"Sure do, lil sis!" Yang's eyes light up. "Y'see, ever since she played that game, she's become obsessed with the idea that Kirby's on his way to start consuming Remnant, too."

"It doesn't help that you keep making up old prophecies about 'The Fiend in Pink," Ruby crosses her arms.

"What can I say? It was hilarious," Yang shrugs. "At least, until she started sizing up the rest of the student body as suitable sacrifices to her magenta lord and savior. She started going around, marking their doors with a special glyph..."

"She didn't mark _too _many doors!" Ruby objects.

"True," Yang nods. "Just Teams CRDL, SLVR, RNGR, MYSN..."

"Okay, okay, I get the point!" Ruby interrupts. "It's just... it's not like she was in her right mind..."

"You can say that again," Yang snorts. "She _really _crossed a line, trying to harvest my hair for-"

"You know, Yang, as interesting as it all is, maybe we should move along to the next segment," Ruby suggests, looking distinctly uncomfortable. "We don't need you to go to another hearing..."

"Oh, right," Yang smiles sheepishly. "Of course. Go ahead and-"

XXXX

_BLAKE'S BOOK REVIEW_

Blake enters her room looking rather unhappy. "No book review today," she grumbles. "Yang hasn't had the decency to return _**HOUSE**_ of Leaves, so screw it. No rev- what's this?"

She examines a box that has appeared in the middle of the room, a small cassette recorder sitting on top. She sighs, but reaches out and presses play anyways.

"Hello, Blakey." It is lowered and heavily distorted, but it is undoubtedly Yang's voice. "I want to play a little game. In this box are two books, each smutty or humiliating in their own right- nevertheless, you must review at least one if you wish to ever see _**HOUSE**_ of Leaves again- imprinted in each is a code leading to a location your book might be. Choose wisely, review quick. Read or die- make your choice."

The tape ends, leaving Blake glaring at it with a single twitching eye. "I'm going to murder her..." she mutters. "What books did she-"

She turns pale upon opening the box to reveal a copy of Fifty Shades of Gray lying there next to a copy of Twilight. "You have _got _to be kidding me..."

She sits down in her chair, assuming a 'thinking' posture. "Okay... if I were Yang, which book would I hide the real code in? Fifty Shades is more smutty, so I'd think that one... but she might expect me to think that, so she'd put it in Twilight... and she _might _consider Twilight to be a worse book overall... but then, she might expect me to put _that _together, and put the _real _code in 50 Shades..."

She wrestles over the conundrum for a moment before finally coming to a decision. "Alright, 50 Shades is technically based on a fanfiction of Twilight, bringing the awfulness of both series together, for maximum humiliation- it's gotta be that one."

She reaches in and takes 50 Shades- abruptly, Twilight bursts into flames. Blake eyes the box tentatively before turning her back on it and assuming her chair again.

"Okay, today's review, 50 Shades of Gray. The things I do for you people...

"As I've said already, this book was originally conceived as a fanfiction of the Twilight saga, except it's somehow written even worse." Her nose wrinkles. "It disgusts me to even be close to this mockery of literature. The characters are flat and unbelievable, and the story is a total farce to tenuously connect several poorly-written sex scenes." She begins flipping through the pages, scanning for Yang's code, meanwhile continuing to rant. "The titular Christian Gray is a creeper, and his relationship with the protagonist, Anastasia, is enough to make me look back on my relationship with Adam with actual fondness. It's a _piss_-poor excuse for a portrayal of a BDSM relationship... and... and..."

Blushing slightly, she rips out one page and stows it away in her pocket. "And... I'm keeping that page for... reasons..."

She glances around. "What do you want me to _say, _Yang? It's a bad book, I'm pretty sure we knew that already! Just give me _**HOUSE**_ of Leaves back before I forget what _good _books are like!"

No answer.

She grumbles. "Okay, I _am _seeing some numbers in here... 4... 16... 34... 63...69... 420... _very _classy, Yang. But... wait. If I take these numbers, and compare them to the pages I found them on... and organize them, like this... carry the seven... _That's it! _I know where my book is!"

She glances at the camera one last time. "To conclude my review, I'd rather publicly announce my love for the Ninjas of Love franchise and my faunus heritage than _ever _have to touch this _dung _heap again! Screw you, Yang, I'm getting my book back!" She throws Fifty Shades out the nearby window before rushing out the door.

XXXX

**TALES OF VALKYRIA**

Nora and Ren seem to have stumbled upon a bowling alley, and are currently throwing their balls down the lane to knock down some pins. Nora smiles with surprising gentleness... at the same time as she throws her ball with enough power to score a strike without the ball even touching the ground. "You know, I really _do _like the name they gave this segment."

"Glad to hear it, Nora," Ren nods, smiling with similar gentleness as he rolls his ball down a lane, managing to knock down half his pins.

"It reminds me of my days back in the _real _Valkyria."

Ren pauses, then sighs. "The... _real _Valkyria?"

"My Queendom, silly!"

"Don't you mean Kingdom?"

Nora laughs. "No, no, no, you're such a sillyhead! Kindoms are ruled by _kings, _Queendoms are ruled by _queens, _get it?"

Ren blinks once or twice before throwing his ball again. "Honestly, that's one of the more sensical things I've heard you say." He watches as Nora picks up her ball and begins weighing her next throw. "So, you really _were _a queen, hmm?"

"Of _course!" _she nods earnestly. "I'm Queen of the Castle, remember?"

"So, what happened to Valkyria? I've never heard of it."

"Eh, what can ya do?" Nora shrugs. "In one single day and night of misfortune, Valkyria was attacked by grimm and reclaimed by nature!" She shrugs. "Or something like that- by the time it was destroyed, I was already on my way to Vale. Being queen isn't all it's cracked up to be, Renny."

"So I've heard," Ren nodded agreeably as Nora scored another strike. "Policy decision and all that got you down?"

Nora blinked, then seemed to lean back a bit in thought as Ren threw his next ball- grimacing as he unwittingly arranged his pins in the dreaded 7-10 split.

"It wasn't really that, so much," she muses. "It was more... all the phony people who try to get to know you when you're in a position of power like that. You just can't tell when they're lying!"

Ren meets her gaze as evenly as he can before tossing his ball again. "I know the feeling, Nora."

_Spare!_

XXXX

**PRANK CORNER WITH YANG**

Yang steps into her workshop, clapping her hands together. "Welcome again to Prankster's Hangout! Unfortunately, between the hearing over _last _episode's prank segment and Weiss going all cult-y on us, I _still _haven't had time to change my bumper, so... we'll get to that when we get to that, I guess.

"Speaking of the hearing, I'm not actually allowed to perform any pranks this episode- they're still deciding whether to treat that whole incident with Mercury as aggravated assault or an honest mistake." She rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. "Let's just hope they never bring _Jaune _in for that incident with Emerald- I doubt the poor guy could handle it.

"Anyways! Instead of showing you another prank this week, I thought I'd show you how to build your very own prankmobile!" She smiles as she begins filling a backpack. "I've got a car set up outside for the occasion, but first, the materials you'll need! You'll need four joybuzzers- yup, bringing those back- lots of window polish, vinegar, some razor blades, some spring-loaded boxing gloves, and, of course, the ultimate weapon in _any _prankster's arsenal- duct tape!" She proudly loads one item after another into her satchel, pausing a moment to smile fondly at the tape before stowing it away. "Next up, of course, you need a car! Oh, Ruby!"

SSSS

Yang strolls across Beacon's lawn to a black car. "Now, I happened to stumble upon this one in Beacon's garage, but it's pretty weird- nobody actually knows who owns it! It's got no paperwork, and even the license plates doesn't match any on record!" She lightly kicks said plate, which reads NFRIUS RIDE. "So, the school said I could have it to build my prankmobile, just as long as it kept me from doing any more pranks this week. So, whatcha want to do first is pop open the hood!" She brings a fist down on the hood hard enough to dent it.

It doesn't open.

She glances at it, her eyes flickering to red. "I said, pop open the hood!" She brings her fist down on it again.

Another large dent, but the hood remains shut.

She glances at the camera. "We'll... be right back."

SSSS

By the time the camera cuts in again, the car's hood looks like it's been through several meteor showers, and Yang is looking somewhat mortified as she sits in the driver's seat. "So, yeah, turns out the best way is sometimes the simplest- you just wanna reach down and pop open the hood..." She pulls a lever.

There's a click, but the hood still doesn't open.

Growling in frustration, Yang hops out and inspects it. She backs off, eyes widening and chuckling nervously. "Okay, then. In the event that some psycho went to town on your hood so hard that you can't even pop it open from the inside anymore, whatcha wanna do is just... rip it off. What's that hood ever done for you, anyways?" She grips the sides of the hood and tears it away from the rest, casually tossing it over her shoulder.

"Ow!" comes a scream from that general direction. "Watch where you're throwing, Long!"

"Sorry, Cardin, didn't see you there!" Yang calls back in a tone of voice indicating she is not, in fact, sorry. She grins at the camera. "Did you _see _that shot? I really _am _Batman..."

She leans over the mechanics beneath the hood. "You wanna find the reservoir for your windshield wiper fluid... there it is. And you want to pour the vinegar in there. If there's still fluid in there, don't worry about it, it doesn't have to be _pure _vinegar, you just want enough mixed in there to do the job."

"As far as the windshield wipers go, you're gonna wanna duct tape the razor blades to them. Sure, it might ruin you a little bit- makes it pretty hard to wipe rain or ice off your windshield without doing damage to it- but hey, just imagine some punk getting all over your windshield, only to have to deal with minor cuts getting filled with vinegar!"

The camera seems to tremble at the joy Yang expresses at the idea.

"Next up, you're gonna want to break out the duct tape again and... get those joybuzzers in... just under the handles."

She works very carefully to apply the joybuzzers to each door's handle without shocking herself. "There!" she beams. "Now, if anyone but you or your friends tries to make off with your car, they're in for quite the shock!"

She winks, oblivious to the stock 'booing' sound effect edited in over the footage.

"As for you, you just wanna make sure you wear rubber gloves whenever dealing with your prankmobile.

"And speaking of gloves-"

"What are you _doing _with _my _car?!" screams an outraged voice from off-camera. Yang glances towards it before giving a sidelong glance at the lens.

"Well, it seems we've been discovered! Leave the camera, Rubes- it's time to get outta here!"

The camera bobs up and down before lowering itself to the ground and capturing the two sisters dashing away in the background. A moment later, Cinder Fall appears in frame, glowering after them before returning her gaze to the car. "Oh, sweety... what have they done to you?"

She reaches out and attempts to open the door, only to begin jolting in place, her skeleton flashing as the joybuzzer takes effect. She pulls away, skin somewhat darker than it was before, before collapsing on the area where her hood had once been.

"Those... imbeciles... will be the first to die..." she chokes out, bringing her fist down in rage.

Her fist smashes through the windshield, before landing on the lever to release the windshield wipers.

There are screams, that are suddenly cut silent.

SSSS

The camera cuts to several hours later, when Yang finally deems it safe to recover the camera. "Well, I haven't seen the footage back yet," she whispers, "but I think the results speak for themselves. I guess I'll have to show off the boxing gloves another time. Until then- remember, ladies! If the guys don't find you pretty, they should at least find you punny!"

The end of the segment is marked by another stock 'booing' effect.

XXXX

_INTERVIEW WITH A ROSE_

Ruby is walking down the halls, looking for someone to interview, when the air seems to fracture in front of her. As if from nothing, a woman appears, with different-colored hair... and eyes. "Oh, hello!" Ruby smiles at her. "You're... Neo, right? From Team CMEN?"

Neo smiles and nods.

"Sorry about... you know... your team name. Can't imagine who came up with it."

Neo blinked her eyes, and when they opened, they were the same color as Cinder's.

"Oh, hers?" A nod. "Um... I hope it's not rude to ask, but... can you _not _talk, or are you just choosing not to?"

Neo shrugs before leaning her head back slightly, pulling down the collar of her jacket to reveal a thin white scar on her neck. She then mimes cutting it open with her finger.

"Oh, I see. Sorry about that, too."

Neo shrugs in a _What can you do _sort of way.

"I... I guess I should apologize about... nearly killing all your teammates, too."

Neo's eyes widen, then she seems to double over in silent laughter, pointing at her with her eyes watering.

"You're... not mad about it?" Ruby asks hopefully.

Neo straightens up, shaking her head fervently. She rolls her eyes and places a hand on her hip.

"You... don't really care for them?"

Neo shakes her head again, before making a flapping motion with her hand.

"They talk too much?"

Neo nods, grimacing slightly. She seems to brighten before pointing at the camera in Ruby's hand.

"The camera... the show?" Neo nods. "You... you're a fan?!"

Neo nods again, enthusiastically.

Ruby beams. "Well, we can make this the next interview segment- and I'd be glad to get you on again later!"

Neo nods fervently to indicate her opinion of this idea. She motions to one side as if gesturing to another person, before raising her hand to her ear in imitation of a scroll.

"And... tell Yang to call you?" Another nod. "Alright, can do! Thanks for being on the show today!"

Both young women turn and skip away from the meeting.

XXXX

"-and that's how I got us a new guest for the show!" Ruby finishes recalling to her sister.

"Huh- weird," Yang muses. "You know, I _swear _I saw someone who looked like that down in Vale the other day- but it couldn't be, I must have been hallucinating..."

"Why's that?" Ruby asks. "I mean, we know she's here now, why couldn't it have been her?"

"Well, does she have a habit of jumping down into sewers?"

Ruby stares at her sister for a second. "Sewers?"

"I saw her peeking out of a storm drain. Mismatched eyes and hair, just like you said."

"That... _is _weird," Ruby acknowledges. "Maybe she's a street performer?"

"Sounds like she's got the skills for it," Yang shrugs. "Maybe Weiss could work as a street performer while we're at it- she certainly drew enough crowds with that cult of hers."

"Oh, great, this again," Ruby sighs. "Do we _really _have to finish this story?"

"You always finish what you start, Rubes!" Yang nods chirpily. "Free lesson from your big sis!" She turns to face the camera. "So, when she finally finished up with all the glyphs, she started gathering followers to prepare for Kirby's arrival- she had them all drinking hot chocolate nonstop!"

"Why hot chocolate, though? I never understood that part," Ruby muses.

"In theory, Kirby is made of marshmallow," Yang recalls. "And marshmallows melt in hot chocolate, so if he tried to eat her or her followers, he'd... dissolve?"

"That... that plan is so full of holes I don't know where to start," Ruby points out. "And that's _me _saying that. _ME."_

"I know," Yang shrugs. "She was really off her ball at the time. She started moving them all into an encampment out in Emerald Forest, where everyone had to wear sneakers."

"It must be the shoes!" Ruby suddenly sits bold upright as though she's made a colossal discovery.

Yang stares at her. "You... have a reason for that outburst, Rubes?"

Ruby glances around, rubbing the back of her head. "Um... not really. Heheh... sorry."

Yang shakes her head. "Anyways... people started noticing that their teammates and partners weren't around as often, so they asked the staff to look into it, and-"

"-and this part of the story is boring," Ruby interrupts. "We're running short on time, Yang- we should just head to the next segment."

"But that's not the en-"

XXXX

_SISTERLY ADVICE WITH RUBY_

"HELLO, EVERYONE, AND WELCOME TO MY ADVICE CORNER!" Ruby squeals

in delight. "Today, we finally have our first requests for advice! Let's see, our first is from... oh? George? I thought we were moving on to watcher requests-"

She freezes as she reads the letter. "I... I'm sorry!" she suddenly begins sobbing into her cloak. "I didn't mean to forget your name, it's just... we mostly deal with Gamer4, and KYST is such a weird last name- at least I got the George part right, right? Right?"

Still looking shaken, she moves the letter aside. "Anyways... from a viewer... this guy wants to know how to... score with Yang? Yang, what does that mean?"

Yang's voice comes from behind the camera. "Who... who asked that, Rubes?"

"I can't say- I keep their names confidential!" Ruby smiles. "It's part of the trust me and my viewers have..."

"RUBY RACHEL ROSE, YOU WILL TELL ME WHO ASKED THAT QUESTION, AND YOU WILL TELL ME _NOW!_"

"ACEMAN88!" Ruby squeals, ducking behind her desk. "DON'T HURT ME!"

Yang huffs. "I'm leaving the camera on its tripod- I'll be back later."

Ruby is still breathing heavily as she returns to her seat. "Well, that was scary," she whispers. "Anyways... scoring with Yang, huh? Well, the arcade has some pretty good games for doing that...

"If you're really looking to outscore her, right off the bat, don't even try the strength machine or skeeball- she wins. Every time. No matter what. Anything involving strength, she's got you. And table hockey? Forget it- you'll never score with her that way.

"Things you _might _wanna try, though- if you can get her into one of those rail shooter games, you've got a decent chance of beating her- she _never _shoots straight. When it comes to shooting with Yang, it's quantity over quality, every time. Oh, and pinball- she just mashes the flippers and hopes for the best. If you're good at pinball, you can outscore her like it's _nothing._

"Final recommendation... _don't _try the dancing machines with her. She's no dancer, mind, you could probably win without really trying, but she gets kinda... er... _testy _when it comes to her dancing skills. You beat her on that thing, she'll tear the whole place up in a blind fury. Second only to cutting her hair."

She glances at a nearby clock. "Well, that's my time for now! If you need any advice on anything in life, the universe, or everything, feel free to let me know! Remember, I'm standing with you! We're all in this together!"

XXXX

**ADVENTURE TIME WITH PYRRHA AND JAUNE**

Hello, again, Pyrrha here! It's my turn to narrate this time, so... here we go!

This week, we were following a lead to investigate some evidence of a sasquatch just outside the town of Vale. They submitted a request with Beacon, who... didn't really take it seriously, but when Jaune heard about it, he got this... this _light _in his eyes- how was I supposed to say no?

He took it to Glynda first, who said they wouldn't be missing much anyway... then she heard _I'd _be going with him, and decided she should run it by Ozpin first. Fortunately, Jaune was so caught up in this sasquatch hype that I don't think he actually noticed.

So we grabbed a bullhead down to Beacon, where we were pointed towards a hill marked by our guide as a very spiritual spot. He kept changing the story- first, he said it was an old Indian burial ground, then he said it was a spot where angels come to Remnant, then that it's the resting place for an ancient god after fighting in a celestial war. I didn't catch all of it, I was choking on the fumes rolling off of him- he didn't put down his bong the whole time we were talking to him. It was rather rude, pardon my Mistralian.

It was a decently small hill, but too steep to climb, so we ended up going through a series of tunnels in the base. It was filthy, loaded with rats, ants, and slugs. Agitating, but harmless- or so I thought until one of the slugs managed to set Jaune on fire. Luckily, he managed to find a bottle of some sort of liquid just... lying there on the ground, inside a finely-wrapped present. Unfortunately, that liquid turned out to be pesticide, which... apparently... well, this brand of pesticide seems to have been flammable, and it just made the fire worse...

Finally, he remembered to stop, drop, and roll, killing a few more slugs and mice while he was at it. He got up, and he seemed alright- he's a trooper, that one. That's another great thing about Jaune, knock him down all you want, he'll always just pop right back up. Even getting set on fire by some kind of attack slug didn't throw him off- he _wanted _his sasquatch proof, and he'd get it... like a real man!

*A-HEM.* Excuse me.

Anyways, we climbed through the tunnels until we were right next to the exit, which was... this is odd... it was being guarded by a giant ant. Not a grimm, mind you- it didn't have the markings- but that's what it was... a giant ant, just crouching at the cave's exit. It even spoke- it issued a challenge to us! Not... not that I got to hear it... as soon as he saw it, Jaune screamed and poured the rest of the pesticide on it, and that... well, that was the end of that. We walked through.

Well, I don't pretend to know _what _made that giant footprint at the top of the hill- for all I know, maybe it _was _a sasquatch. It was certainly bigger than any foot _I _can think of- unless you count that one time Cardin got stung by a bee. That was a _bad _night.

I took a picture on my scroll and was ready to head home when I saw Jaune there, looking kind of... dazed. For a moment, I wondered if he was somehow finally feeling the effect of that man's pot, when a large rock came out of nowhere and smacked him in the face. He fell flat on his back, and the rock landed, perfectly balanced on the bridge of his nose. It was perfectly round, polished to perfection, and a deep, slightly-translucent blue. As it sat there, slightly touching his forehead, I heard what sounded like the beginning of a melody- but it stopped after only a few notes. Then Jaune got up, looked around a bit, and decided we'd seen enough.

...On the way back, we agreed to pretend like nothing happened.

XXXX

THE LONG MAILBAG

"You got the bumper working this time, Rubes?" Yang asks as Ruby sits next to her with a handful of letters.

"Hard telling, Yang- I guess we won't really know for sure until the episode goes up."

"That sucks," Yang pouts. "Anyways, what we got this time?"

"Let's see," Ruby glances through the mail. "Taking away general comments, and ideas for other segments, we've got three letters."

"Sweet, let's get to it!" Yang rests her head on her hands.

Ruby opens the first. "Okay, another one from Spidershadow... he..." Ruby sighs. "He wants to know about the shoehorn incident."

Yang matches Ruby's sigh. "Okay, about the shoehorn incident... the thing is, there are just... some things aren't meant for mortal eyes... or ears."

"We must bear the weight of the incident alone," Ruby nods, shuddering with her hands over her arms. "Never again... _never again..._"

The two spend a moment on a solemn silence before Yang perks up. "So, what's next?"

"The next one- oh, you'll like this one! Weird name... PyrrhasAshes?"

Yang blinks. "What... Pyrrha's so awesome that she burned a log, and its ashes came to life? Didn't know she was _that _cool."

"Who knows," Ruby shrugs. "Anyways, they say- 'Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.'"

Yang's eyes brighten. "Oh, _now _you're speaking my language! I never leave home without a roll!" She reaches into a pocket and produces a roll on the spot, practically nuzzling it. "Duct tape is love... duct tape is life."

"...Right..." Ruby backs off slightly before turning to the final letter. "And last, from Urquineath, 'Are you or any of your friends familiar with Black Mirror? If so, any thoughts?'"

Ruby looks up. "Well, I mean, _I've _never heard of it. I think it's a series on Dustube, or something? You have any idea? Yang? Yang? Yang?"

Yang has stiffened, sitting straight as a bolt, her skin pale, a look of horror on her face. Under her sister's questioning, she stammers out, "S-s-so... about that s-s-shoehorn incident..."

Oblivious to a dark shape sneaking through the background, Ruby crosses her arms and pouts. "No fair, Yang! I wanna know about Black Mirror! What, is it about witches or something? I can handle it!"

"No, Ruby," Yang objects. "You can-"

"_OH, I WISH IT COULD BE CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY! WHEN THE KIDS START SINGING AND THE BAND BEGINS TO PLAY!"_

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" _Yang screams as she leaps to her feet and dashes from the room, leaving a Yang-shaped hole in the door on the way out.

Ruby blinks before turning back to the dark shape- Blake, carrying a boombox on her shoulder and a dark smirk on her face. "What was all _that _about?" she asks.

"Oh, nothing." Blake continues smirking as she turns off the boombox. "Come on, Ruby, let's go watch Fairy Tail."

"Oh, goody!" Ruby brightens up.

XXXX

_**WEISS'S GAMING EXPERIENCE**_

Weiss sighs as she takes a seat at her usual spot, gamestation at the ready. "I have a feeling Yang is trying to get me back for the whole cult thing..."

Finally, she addresses the camera. "Welcome to my segment, where a pair of sisters attempt to drive me over the edge of madness utilizing electronic entertainment devices of questionable quality. Today's game is... Sonic the Hedgehog. I've heard mixed things about the series, but very little about this title in question, released in 2006. All I know is that it has quite the reputation on the internet- whether for good or ill is currently beyond my ken. I can only hope the sisters decided to have mercy on me today."

She plugs the game in, and it begins.

It begins _loading. _

Weiss stares, tapping her fingers as she waits for it to load. "You know, now that I think about it, there _was _a warning sign- allegedly, Yang was _tricked _into taking this game- it was tucked away in a video game case for another game she bought. She got the real game as well, but this one, too. Hmm... perhaps I should brace myself."

More loading.

"Assuming, of course, that I get to _do _anything..."

Finally, the opening cutscene begins. Weiss tilts her head slightly. "Well, it's certainly _visually _impressive. I can only hope this carries through to the game itse-"

_*Ten Minutes Later*_

"NO! NO! I'M DONE! I'M *BEEP*ING DONE! _I'M *BEEP*ING DONE! _THIS IS BULL*BEEP*! THIS IS _*BEEP*ING BULL*BEEP!* _WHAT _IS THIS?! _WHAT IS MY LIFE?!"

"Um... Weiss?"

"NO! I CAN'T DO IT, RUBY! I CAN'T *BEEP*ING DO THIS!"

"I'll get you your favorite coffee afterwards!"

"I appreciate the thought, Ruby... BUT LOOK WHAT I'M DEALING WITH! I HAVE TO DRAW A LINE SOMEWHERE! I HAVE TO DRAW A LINE IN THE *BEEP*ING SAND! I HAVE TO MAKE A STATEMENT! I HAVE TO LOOK INSIDE MYSELF AND ASK, 'What am I willing to put up with today?' I HAVE THE ANSWER! _NOT! *BEEP*ING! THIS!"_

XXXX

"So... we didn't get a full review?" Yang asks sheepishly as Ruby returns to the dorm, looking dejected.

"You heard her- what do _you _think?" Ruby flops into bed.

Yang sighs. "Well, I guess we kinda owe her after the whole cult thing- Goodwitch hit her pretty hard in the head when she found out what was going on..."

"That was one freaky ritual she wanted to go out on," Ruby recalls. "Everyone wear your sneakers and drink hot chocolate 'til you throw up... blegh. Not worth it. Never."

"I don't know, Rubes... you've done it before," Yang points out with a smirk.

"That didn't count," Ruby objects, not even rolling over to look at her sister- she settles for raising a finger into the air instead. "It was once- and it was from Uncle Qrow's stash."

"Oh... right," Yang concedes the point. "Anyways, all's well that ends well- we got Weiss the help she needed, and as long as she doesn't hear about Kirby, she should be okay. Good thing, too- I don't want to have to live with a scheming cultist in the same room as me."

"We have Blake."

"Oof... low blow, sis," Yang leans back slightly. "Anyways... I think that's all the damage we can do for now. Thank you all so much for watching!"

Ruby still doesn't sit up or roll over as she mumbles into her pillow, "Special thanks to our producer, Gamer4, and our editor, GeorgeKYST. George... I'm sorry I forgot your name already."

Yang smiles indulgently before returning to the camera. "Until next time- don't wait to _Long, _we've got _Rose _more coming your way!"

She paused for a moment, glancing over in Ruby's direction. "...Aren't you gonna groan?"

"Later. Too tired now. End of episode."

"Oh, come on, Rubes! Don't be such a-"


	4. The Last Episode ALREADY!

Episode IV

The Last Episode... ALREADY?!

"It's time for the Rose-Xiao Long Show!" Ruby cheers from atop her bunk. "Coming at ya live from Team RWBY's dorm room, starring your hosts, the incredible Ruby Rose, and, of course, your hero, my sister, Yang Xiao Long!"

...Nothing happens.

"Er... Your hero, my sister, Yang Xiao Long!"

...Nothing.

"Yang!"

A hook smashes through the window, attached to a rope. A zipping sound can be heard from outside until Yang comes streaking in as well, the rope attached to a device of some sort around her waist. "Sorry, Rubes, had a little trouble with the aim!"

Ruby's eyes suddenly light up. "Oh, wow! Get Blake to let you borrow Gambol Shroud, and between you and me with Crescent Rose, we'll be retaking the walls in no time!"

Yang stares at her blankly for a moment. "...Huh?"

"Attack on Titan, Yang," Ruby sighs.

Yang's eyes flicker to red. "Isn't that show a little... above you?"

"I'm fifteen, Yang, not _twelve,_" Ruby objects. "Besides, if I'm mature enough to run a tv show while fighting grimm, I think I can handle watching some of the gorier anime on the side!"

Yang's eyes flicker back. "Well, you're _half-_right."

"What're you talking about?"

"The Copyright Censors finally caught up to us, Rubes- this is it."

"It?"

"This is our last episode before they shut us down."

Ruby's eyes widen, and she begins flapping her arms in a panic. "But... but... butbutbutbut... we _can't _let it end here! We just started picking up steam! People are just starting to pay attention to us- Yang, we just got a _cover!_"

"Oh, no fooling?" Yang asks, coming closer to Ruby's bunk, where she has a computer set up. "Let _me _see... oh, yeah, that one's _nice._ Love the slogan on Blake's shirt, too."

"Don't know where Weiss got that fishing hat from, though," Ruby shrugs. "Anyways... isn't there anything we can do?"

Yang snorts. "Have you _met _these people, Rubes? There's no _negotiating _with them! We're lucky they're not arresting us for _life_! Take the fact that they're just shutting us down as a sign of mercy, and take us to the next segment."

Ruby sniffles a bit, but nods. "Okay... getting us ready for the last... the last episode... already... here we go..."

XXXX

_Blake's Book Review_

Blake sighs as she looks at the camera. "Well, I guess we all know what to expect by now. I come out, try to review _my _book, Yang has it hidden away somewhere..."

"Actually, uh... no," comes Yang's voice from behind the camera. "Here you go, Blakey!" Her hand appears in frame, offering Blake a hefty tome with a front cover that's slightly too small.

Blake's eyes widen as she takes it in. "That's it! That's my book! I thought you hid it in Forever Fall!"

"Nah, that was just a... _red _herring!" Yang grins.

Blake is not amused. "Then where _was _it?"

"I hid it the pantry behind a wall of cucumbers!"

Blake's eyes narrow as she finally reaches out and takes the book. "I _did _wonder about that..."

She hesitantly glances at the book, then back up at the camera. "Well?" Yang prompts. "You gonna review it or what?"

"...No tricks?"

"No tricks- I guess you didn't hear, but this is our last episode. I figured I may as well let you get the review in while you still can."

Blake straightens up. "That's... surprisingly mature of you, Yang. I'm... I'm proud."

"Stop it, you're making me blush."

Blake blinks, then looks at the book. "Okay... _**HOUSE**_ of Leaves... finally. This is a very... _unique _book. I can't say I've read too many like it. It took the author ten years to finish it, after all- it's very much a labor of love.

"You've probably been wondering about the random distortions I've had Ruby edit in whenever we mention the word _**HOUSE**_ in regards to this book- that's down to the word _**HOUSE**_ always being written in blue in _every _instance in this book- the title, the summary, the copyright information... everywhere. The same thing happens with the word **MINOTAUR,**but in red. What this means in terms of the story itself is mostly left to the reader to interpret."

"I've heard you saying that's one _headtrip _of a book," Yang recalls.

"That it is," Blake agrees, opening to a random page with words written on it in multiple directions. "Large portions of the text are written and formatted in a way to give the impression that you're looking into the mind of a madman- reading the book feels like slowly descending into his world. There are multiple layers to the story, so I won't be able to go _too _in-depth in the short amount of time I have here. On the innermost layer, we have the story of a family who moves into a new _**HOUSE**_ only to find that it's a quarter of an inch larger on the inside than it is on the outside- a discrepancy that begins to grow worse and worse as the story progresses."

"Does that explain the issue with the cover?" Yang wonders.

"That it does," Blake nods. "As you can see, the front cover doesn't stretch out _quite _far enough to cover all the pages- it's too short. By a quarter of an inch."

"This guy's crazy."

"Indeed. In the next layer, that story is a movie just released to the public, and it instantly achieves heavy acclaim, hailed as one of the finest examples of cinema alongside _Citizen Ozma _and _King Beringel. _The story is told in the format of a written documentary on the film written by Zampano- and his love of the movie is rather unique, considering that he was blind for years before it was allegedly released.

"A layer outside of that, you have the story of Johnny Truant, who lives in the same apartment building as Zampano, and is left the manuscript for his documentary when he dies under bizarre circumstances, and vows to finish it and ready it for publication. However, as he looks further into the script, he begins to uncover discrepancies- for instance, nobody has actually ever heard of this allegedly famous movie, nor does anyone Zampano claims to have interviewed about the movie even acknowledge they know who he is. More confounding is that Johnny also digs up contrary evidence- proof that the film _must _have existed, and isn't _just _a figment of the old man's imagination, leading to-"

"Okay, I think that's enough for now," Yang interrupts. "We're getting off-track, and I don't want to melt our watchers' minds, okay?"

"Oh- right, sorry," Blake blushes slightly. "Anyways, great book- if you're into that sort of thing, definitely check it out." She takes a moment to breath. "Huh... my last review already, huh? Strange."

"Good ol' copyright censors, huh?" Yang scoffs. "Thanks for sticking with us, Blakey."

"Of course," Blake nods, smiling. "We're a team."

XXXX

**TALES OF VALKYRIA**

"This is a load of _bullhonkey, _Ren!" Nora raves, walking around JNPR's dorm room. "Outrage! Disgrace!"

"I certainly have no love for the copyright censors myself," Ren nods quietly, gazing out of the window.

"This is worse than the day I discovered my semblance!"

"Worse than?" Ren wonders. "I would have thought that would be a happy day."

"Maybe it would have been, but... wait, didn't I ever tell you about that day?"

"A few times," Ren nods tentatively.

"Well, it all started with my Mom- she was a stuntwoman, you know, a real daredevil!"

"I thought she was a-"

"And one day, she gets the idea to jump over twenty cages of snarling, ravenous grimm!" Nora interrupts. "It all seemed to be going well at first, until her tire suddenly exploded! The handelbars went right through her face as she plummeted down into the grimm, and they started gnawing on her like a Thanksgiving dinner!" Nora shudders. "She died instantly... the next year."

Ren's eyes narrow slightly. "You don't say."

"We didn't have any money for surgery, so Dad started getting into stand-up comedy- unfortunately, he wasn't very good at it, so out of desperation, he decided to do a job for the mafia."

"The mafia? What happened to him being a millionaire?"

"Billionaire, Renny- Millionaires are _so _last year. Anyways, he was a great dad, so he brought me along on the job! He stuck me in a red cape and helmet for protection, and had me lead the charge into an electrical plant! Little did we know that the legendary Pink Crusader was there that night! The greatest superhero Remnant has ever seen!"

"I've read that comic, yes..."

"She descended on us like a shadow in the night, and drop-kicked me into a giant transformer, but instead of dying, I just got even stronger!

"Now, I looked up to the Pink Avenger like nobody else, but when someone drop-kicks you into a transformer, you can't just let that go! I hopped up and hit her so hard her mask came off! Imagine my surprise when I learned that this superhero who nearly killed me, and who I just about killed back was _my mother!_"

"Your mother?"

"Yeah! Threw me off, too!"

"I thought your mother was in the hopsital."

"Don't quibble over details, Ren! Anyways, the criminals we were with gathered around her and beat her face in with nuclear weapons! She died instantly... the next year. As for my father..."

A long moment passes. Finally, Ren prompts her to continue. "Did the criminals kill him?"

"Oh, no, we all got away just fine, then my parents died the next year from choking on hot dogs during a hot-dog-eating contest."

Ren firmly plants his face in his palm. "Nora... this story contradicts literally everything you've ever told me before now. As well as itself. Several times."

"What can I say, Renny?" Nora shrugs. "If I _have _to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice!"

Ren stares at her. "Does... does this story at least have a twist, of some sort? A point, for instance?"

"Oh, right, I was gonna get to that! The thing is, life sucked for a while after that, until... well, until I met _you, _Renny. That turned my life all around! All it took to turn me from a criminal on the streets into the Pink Bomber of Justice was one good day! Really, that's all it was! One... good... day." As she continues, she lowers herself into the only place she seems to remain calm- Ren's lap.

Ren smiles slightly. "Here's to our one good day, Nora." He gently strokes her hair until she finally begins to snore.

XXXX

**PRANKSTER'S HANGOUT WITH YANG**

Yang sighs within her workshop. "Go figure- one last episode, and I finally remember to fix my bumper. Oh, well- better late than never."

Perking up, she turns to the camera. "Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Prankster's Hangout! Today, we're gonna be doing something a little different- partly because our editor has banned me from doing any more 'dangerous' pranks until I apologize for last episode." She scoffs. "Pansy. Anyways, there's a guy who I've built some bad blood with over the past couple times I've met him, so I figured I could use a friendly prank to try and patch things up with him!"

Her eyes get that glint in them as she continues. "I _do _mean 'patch' literally- the only item I'll need for this prank is, of course, the ultimate weapon in any prankster's arsenal- duct tape!" She proudly produces a roll. "So, tonight, I'll be sneaking into the Hei Xiong club and patching up his weapon- it kinda got damaged during our last run-in. Now, some of you might be wondering- 'Yang, how is this a prank?'" She pauses, crossing her arms. "Truth be told, even I'm not really sure. I guess the _editor _will be happy, at least." She continues grumbling as she stomps out of the room.

SSSS

Loud music thumps through the club as Yang sneaks by. A pair of twins seems to spy her, but brush aside any thoughts of the latest visitor being their rival- Yang Xiao Long, after all, did not _sneak. _

Yang makes her way into a back room with quite a bit of clutter around, wrinkling her nose slightly. "Geez, find a worse place to store your weapon, huh? Good thing Ruby's not here, she'd pass out at the idea of weapons being treated like this..."

She finally discovers a lengthy club with the ability to shift into a bazooka. She smiles as she begins her work. "Okay, should only be a few modifications necessary... a bit of tape here... and there... y'know, Ruby might be going over this thing with a fine-toothed comb, using all these fancy parts and smeg... but really, if you know what you're doing, all you _actually _need is a good roll of duct tape..."

After a good, long while, she finally stands up, wiping her brow. "Whoo! That oughtta do it! Now to go tell him the good news!"

She steps out and makes her way up to the bar. The moment he sees her approaching, Junior scowls. "What is it _this _time, Blondie? What, you need some info on the Lake Vytal Monster now?"

"That actually sounds like a good idea for Jaune and Pyrrha's segment," Yang reflects.

"Segment?" Junior begins, before double-taking. "Hey, hey, hey! No cameras in the club, Blondie!"

"Look, I'm just trying to shoot the last episode of-"

"_Shoot?!_"

"I heard her- let's take her out, Melanie!"

And before Yang can say anything to the contrary, she finds herself in another battle with the Malachite sisters. "No! Listen! Will you relax?! I just... wanted to..."

Junior vanishes momentarily, before returning with his weapon, seemingly oblivious to roughly 75 percent of it having been replaced with duct tape. "Stand aside- I won't miss this time!"

The Malachite sisters duck away, leaving Yang to turn towards him, sighing, "For the last time, I just want-"

He pulls the trigger.

The weapon backfires.

The club explodes, sending Yang flying through the air, eventually crashing down a few blocks away, the camera landing next to her, miraculously undamaged.

Pitch black and covered in soot though she is, Yang tilts her head in bewilderment. "Huh... y'know... I think Weiss may have said something at some point about certain types of dust not interacting well with duct tape... I don't know, she was on one of her rants at the time..."

Clearing her throat, she turns back to the camera. "Well, I guess... remember ladies, if the guys don't find you pretty, they should at least find you punny! I gotta... get home and... take a shower..."

She gets to her feet and begins loping back to Beacon, pausing every few steps. "Ow... ow... ow..."

XXXX

_INTERVIEW WITH A ROSE_

"Hello, everyone," Ruby says, far less chirpily than usual as she ascends through the floors of Beacon. "I'm still kinda upset about the whole 'last-episode' thing, so... well, for my last interview, who better than the one who owns the school..."

She approaches a set of double doors and knocks. They open for her immediately. She steps in, and turns the camera on Headmaster Ozpin, sitting behind his desk and sipping from his omnipresent coffee mug. "Ah, Ms. Rose, how nice to see you," he greets her. "You seem troubled."

"It's the show, Headmaster," Ruby sighs heavily, plopping herself down across the desk from him. "The copyright censors are forcing us to shut it down after only four episodes..."

"Ah, the Rose-Xiao Long Show," Ozpin recalls with a smile. "I saw the previous three myself. Quite enjoyable, if I am allowed to say so."

"Glad you think so, Oz," Ruby smiles wanly.

"Well, I'll admit the copyright censors are a form of life below even the grimm," Ozpin continues, "but they usually have some reason or excuse for acting- under what presumption do they attack you?"

"Well, y'see, we didn't... necessarily... come up with the show _entirely _on our own," Ruby admits, tapping her index fingers together. "We may... sorta... kinda... have gotten some inspiration from the Red Green Show."

"Red Green, hm?" Ozpin muses. "Another show I happen to enjoy- and I can certainly see the similarities."

"Yeah..." Ruby sinks lower into her cloak. "We're really just a bunch of copycats, aren't we...?"

"Not necessarily," Ozpin interrupts. "As I say, I've seen both shows, and while I _do _see the similarities, I also see many, many differences. Your show, as you say, is _inspired _by Red Green- not based upon it. Besides, I happen to know those _behind _the Red Green Show- I can say with a certain level of confidence they'd feel no ire towards what you are trying to accomplish here."

"I guess so," Ruby admits, "but... it doesn't really _matter _what they think, only what the copyright censors think..."

"Hmmm... and that _is _difficult," Ozpin admits. "But... perhaps there is a way around even them. A simple act that can undo even their complaints against you. Can you think of nothing?"

Ruby's face started off sad as ever... then slowly began to light up. "I... I think I got it!" she beams. "We'll beat them out! Thanks, Ozpin! Gotta run! The show must go on!"

"Glad I could help," Ozpin chuckles as he watches his youngest student disappear in a cloud of rose petals.

XXXX

Ruby is humming as she and Yang reconvene in the dorm- Yang exiting from the shower wrapped up in towels. "You seem in good spirits," Yang smiles sadly. "Finally getting over the show being cancelled?"

"Nope!" Ruby chirps.

Yang pauses, tilting her head in confusion. "You're not over it?"

"Nope!" Ruby repeats. "I don't _have _to get over it- the show's not ending! I figured out how to save us!"

Yang's head tilts slightly further- the towel falls off her head and lands on Weiss's bunk. "What are you talking about? The copyright censors have spoken- their word is final!"

"Nope!" Ruby says again. "After this episode, even _they _won't be able to touch us!"

Yang shakes her head slightly. "I wish I could share your enthusiasm, Rubes... I really do. But-"

"Nope!"

"But still-"

"Uh-uh!"

"What if-"

"Ah-bup-bup!" Ruby performs a near-impeccable impression of her partner. "Yang... it's all gonna be okay! We got this!"

Yang smiles. "Okay, Ruby... I'll trust you on this one."

"Thanks, Yang."

Yang pauses for a moment to pick up her fallen towel. "But still... I gotta ask-"

XXXX

_SISTERLY ADVICE WITH RUBY_

"HELLO, EVERYONE, AND WELCOME TO MY ADVICE CORNER!" Ruby beams as the camera takes in the room around her. "Don't have too much time to waste today, so let's get to it!"

"Today, I wanna tell you about something I just learned recently- like, today recently. Y'see, I was heartbroken when Yang told me that the show would be ending _now, _of all times- only four episodes in! I wanted to find a way to keep it going, of course, but no matter how hard I thought, I couldn't come up with any grand plans or schemes to do it! Ends up, I was thinking way too big- I couldn't see the trees for the forest! What we really needed to keep this show going was... something _far _simpler.

"That's the advice for today- grand plans are all well and good, but sometimes, it pays to just sit down and think of the simplest, most direct solution. Instead of drawing up plans and schemes on how to take down the copyright censors from the inside out, just look at what's right in front of you, and you can find a way to beat them at their own game!"

Ruby glances around, focusing momentarily on the clock. "Huh... really short segment today, but I have to hurry! I have something to put together before the last segment if I wanna save this show! See you all then! Until then, remember- I'm standing with you! We're all in this together!"

XXXX

**ADVENTURE TIME WITH JAUNE AND PYRRHA**

Hey, guys, Jaune here! My turn to narrate this week. Ruby wanted us to go on a nice, long adventure this week, give her time to put together her defense against the copyright censors- or, as she put it, 'prepare to assail the walls of censorship that block us from a free, bright future...' so I thought Pyrrha and I would head on a trip into forever fall.

Honestly, the longest part was trying to wake Pyrrha up- she just kept rolling over and muttering about 'five more minutes' every time I tried. Yeah, it's cute the first few... *a-hem.* What I'm trying to say is, it gets annoying after a while.

Nora saved the day on this one- she came along and asked me what I was doing naked, which startled me, because I was pretty sure I was fully clothed, but it got Pyrrha up pretty quick. She seemed almost... disappointed when she saw me already dressed and ready to go, but once she's up, she's up, so she just went to get dressed herself before we headed out into the woods.

It was a fun time, going around, killing grimm by the dozen, until we stumble on this... this sorta haunted-house type of deal. Just a big ol' mansion out in the middle of the woods... overgrown with ivy and such... Pyrrha didn't seem to want to go in, but the spirit of adventure was burning in me- or that might be my heartburn, I can't really tell the difference. Pyrrha _is _always telling me I need to eat better.

So I went in, and she came in after me, kinda sorta watching my back- though she had a unique way of doing it, anyone who didn't know her might have thought she was hiding behind me.

We ended up kinda creeping along, searching for anything in particular that looked important, when we stumbled on this hallway that... wasn't quite right. It... it was kinda... twisty.

Which is exactly what Pyrrha said. "Jaune," she said, "this hallway's all twisted." Truly valuable advice, I don't know what I'd have done without her.

Anyways, I was really curious now, so I led the charge through the hallway, working to keep my footing along the way, until I saw that when _Pyrrha _went through the hallway, her feet stayed on the floor- which eventually twisted around to the ceiling. My head hurts, but the point is, by the time we were at the hallway's end, I'm still standing on the floor, and she's just... relaxing on the ceiling.

We were sitting there, wondering what to do, when this odd whooshing noise came out of nowhere, and a giant, decaying hand kind of phased through a wall and started grabbing at me. Pyrrha's a great friend, really, she is- she started firing bullets all over the place, trying to protect me, letting out that war cry of hers- the way she explained it to me later, the sound of wild screaming is supposed to scare away whatever these things are. Could have concentrated a little more with the firepower, though, if you ask me.

Eventually, she gunned it down before it could get a good grip on me, and we kept going further into the mansion.

Eventually, we found our way into an art gallery of sorts, except all the paintings were the same nighttime scene- a plain field with stars and the moon overhead. We stepped into the middle of the paintings when this deep laughing sounded off, and the pictures started to change- I don't really remember what happened after that, because everything metal in about a five-mile radius suddenly came to life and came crashing into the room, ripping the paintings apart and giving us an exit that Pyrrha dragged me through before tearing off into Forever Fall.

It was kinda weird- whenever I try to ask her exactly what was going on there, she just turns pale, gets this look in her eye, and tries to change the subject. Hmm... maybe we should get her in to the Nurse's office...

XXXX

THE LONG MAILBAG

"We just gotta accept it, Yang, the bumper's not working properly," Ruby shrugs as she examines the previous episode. "It works just fine for all the other segments, but the filters aren't working on this one."

"Well, balls," Yang snaps her fingers in frustration. "Oh, well... time to answer some watcher mail, everyone!"

"Yay!" Ruby cheers, throwing some confetti into the air.

"What do we have this time?" Yang asks.

"First off, another letter from the editor," Ruby begins. "He's still upset about the whole 'wrecking-Cinder's-car' thing from last time."

"For the last time, _I wasn't trying to break it, _I was trying to _improve _it!" Yang grumbles.

"Yeah, but he seems to think you were doing it out of... some sort of revenge against her."

Yang snorts. "Yeah, right- if I wanted to settle it with someone, I'd do it with fisticuffs, not petty sabotage."

"That you would," Ruby nods, a pained smile crossing her face as she rubs her shoulder. "That you would... anyways, next letter!" She clears her throat. "Another one from Urquineath! He has an idea to fix Weiss's... _situation _with Kirby- a series of fanfics that paint him in a more gentle light!"

"Sounds good..." Yang nods slowly. "But... we kinda got that under control for now. Appreciate the thought, but for the moment, we'll just leave her be. We'll keep it in mind in case she ever has a relapse, okay?"

"Sounds good to me!" Ruby nods fervently. "And finally, from SpiderShadow... he's concerned that you have a habit of beating up everyone who has a crush on you- y'know, from my advice corner last week- and he wants to-"

"Stop you right there, Rubes," Yang raises a hand. "No, no I don't. I won't hold it against you if you have a crush on me- I mean, look at me!" She motions to herself.

"Humble as ever, Yang," Ruby sighs.

"Yeah, yeah, but the thing is, that guy didn't _just _have a crush on me, he tried to use my _beloved little sister _to get information on me." Yang's eyes begin flickering. "And _that... _is unforgivable. If any of you want to know if trying to use _my sister _to get to me is a good idea in _any way... _just ask the last few guys and girls that did it."

"But if someone just walks up and starts flirting with you?"

"Oh, that's no problem," Yang waves aside. "Worst I'll do is let you down- I mean, what kind of heartless bitch would I have to be to react to someone flirting with me by breaking their hand and stealing all their stuff? Nah, I wouldn't do that, that's not how Yang Xiao Long rolls."

"That's... an awfully specific example," Ruby raises an eyebrow.

"Nah, just for instance," Yang shrugs.

An awkward silence falls over the room. Yang blinks. "No, seriously, I've never done anything like that."

Ruby shrugs. "Whatever you say, sis! Anyways, that's all for now! See you all next time- 'cause yes, if I have anything to say about it, there _will _be a next time!"

XXXX

_**WEISS'S GAMING EXPERIENCE**_

Weiss runs a finger over her scroll, grimacing slightly. "Why is it I already have a bad feeling about this?" she wonders. "Okay, this week, I'll be trying my hand at this game here- a title called _Cuphead. _I've been informed that this game is remarkably difficult..."

"Which is why you play it with a BFF!" comes a cheering voice from the side. Weiss sighs heavily as Ruby suddenly appears in a burst of petals. "Hello, everyone, introducing Weiss's player 2!"

"Ruby, we never established anything like-"

"Come _on, _Weiss, this is a two-player game!" Ruby begs, eyes widening. "I just want us to bond as partners and teammates..."

"No, we're not-"

*Whimper, whimper...*

"I mean, not entirely-"

*Whimper, whimper...*

"It's just... it's just..."

*Whimper, whimper...*

"Okay, _fine, _you can play with me, just _stop doing that!"_ Weiss begs, handing her another controller.

"Yay!" Ruby yips.

Weiss sighs. "Anyways, let's get started." She presses a button, and the opening scene begins.

She scoffs. "These characters aren't overly smart, are they? I'd see through such a scam in an instant!"

"What do you want, Weiss, they've just got tea and coffee for brains," Ruby points out.

Weiss *hmph*s. "Even so..."

She pauses as she takes the game in. "I will admit... I _do _appreciate the music and aesthetic of it all- it reminds me of the cartoons Klein used to watch with me back home."

"You watched cartoons?!" Ruby asks, staring at her partner with wide eyes.

"Only behind father's back, of course," Weiss concedes. "Klein had an old collection of cartoons he watched when _he _was young, and he thought it was a good way to share _some _culture with me, even if it _was _remarkably... silly."

She turns her attention to the game as she finally takes control. "Hmm... this seems remarkably easy so far... so much for difficulty, you'd have to be an absolute _dolt _to fail at this!"

"Weiss, this is only the tutorial," Ruby points out.

"Still, I've heard even the tutorial is impossible!"

"For some," Ruby nods, "but they're... er... _special cases..._"

Weiss shoots an odd look at her partner, but shrugs and continues, taking them to the first level. "Now the challenge begins?"

"Yup!" Ruby beams. "Cuphead and Mugman's Excellent Adventure, _go!_"

Initially, things go remarkably well- it isn't long before two bosses have fallen to the partners' might. "You're actually doing really good, Weiss! You only died once to the Root Pack!"

"It felt like more, with that death quote," Weiss scowls. "Did _Yang _write for this game?"

"Not that I know of," Ruby shrugs. "Come on! Let's see how far we can get!"

SSSS

"I'm a blimp, you're a wimp, I'm a blimp, you're a wimp, I'm a blimp, you're a wimp!" Ruby sings as they both fall once more to a helicopter with a face and a long nose.

"_Enough, _Ruby!" Weiss bursts. "I'm having enough problems with those stupid UFOs without you making up words to songs from other games!"

"But it's fun!" Ruby starts to whine, before seemingly realizing something. "Wait... how did _you _know the Splatoon soundtrack?"

Weiss suddenly blushes, turning to look away. "Well... that's just..."

She refuses to turn and see the smug look on Ruby's face. "It's just that... in a manner of speaking... under some circumstances..."

"You're starting to like video games, aren't you, Weiss?"

"Ugh!" Weiss bursts. "You insufferable little Red!" Angrily, she gets to her feet and storms off.

"Aw, Weiss!" Ruby pouts. "We didn't even finish the game yet! I at least wanted to get to Cagney Carnation!"

"Later!" Weiss shouts back. Ruby blinks, then throws a happy smile at the camera.

XXXX

Ruby is back to humming happily in the dorm as Yang enters, looking nervous. "Alright, Rubes, now's the time- show me whatcha got."

"I have... a disclaimer!" Ruby grins, leaping to her feet.

Yang blinks, as if in confusion. "A... disclaimer?"

Ruby turns towards the camera earnestly. "I'm guessing you've already figured out that this show wasn't _entirely _our own idea- mostly because I already said it in the Interview segment. Yes, we got inspiration from another show- the Red Green show, from the old CBC. Our Dad loved that show, and watched it with us every week."

"I mean, that's all true, but-"

"Not yet, Yang! Now, where was I? Oh, right... when we found that camera, we saw an opportunity to make a show of our own, and when we were working out the format, of _course _Yang and I thought of Red Green as our model. But... the show's more than that, now! The kinds of things you can see on our show would _never _be on Red Green! I just wanted to take this moment to point you to the show that started it all.

"The Red Green Show was made by men who really loved their craft- they only ended it when they did because they didn't want to start turning out bad episodes just for the sake of keeping it going. For crying out loud, they had to _pay _to air a bunch of it- seasons 6-9, if I'm not mistaken."

"Giggity."

"Not now, Yang! And as I was saying, not only did they keep this show going strong for almost twenty years, they put the entire thing up on YouTube to watch for free! It's there now- go look it up, if you wanna see where we got _our _start! If not, feel free to keep an eye on _our _show instead- because with this disclaimer, I'm _sure _we'll be back!"

"Heartfelt speech there, Rubes," Yang smiles, "but I don't think that'll be enough to- hold on."

Her scroll is ringing. She brings it out and examines it. "It's a text from the copyright censors... starts off with quite a bit of angrish... and then... 'We regret to inform you that, after your previous episode's disclaimer, we have been forced to... to...'"

"'To?'" Ruby asks anxiously.

"The show's back on!" Yang cheers. "That disclaimer did it! They've withdrawn their complaints, and we're good to go!"

"YES!" Ruby cheers. "Y'see, that's the real story of heroism- no matter how dark things may seem, there's always a star in the-"

"Enough sappy stuff, sis!" Yang interrupts. "This episode's already too heavy for my liking because of this fiasco- we need to get started on the next one right away!"

"Right!" Ruby nodded. "I'll start looking for games for Weiss to play!"

"And I'll bring up some books for Blake to go over, and start planning the best pranks Remnant has ever seen!" Yang preens. "But first... thanks for watching, everyone!"

"Special thanks to our producer, Gamer4, our editor, GeorgeKYST, our illustrator, Breenut, and our inspiration, the Red Green Show!" Ruby nods excitedly.

"Be sure to send in any suggestions you have for us, and until next time- don't wait too _Long, _we've got _Rose _more coming your way!" Yang finishes. She waits, then glances at Ruby. "...Where's my groan?"

"Ah, I'll let it slide this time," Ruby shrugs.

Yang pouts. "It's no fun making puns if people don't groan..."


	5. The Dance

Episode V

The Dance

"Man, things are getting rough on DustTube," Ruby muses in the center of her dorm. "All those shows getting shut down for no good reason- but at least there's _one _show the censors will never touch! It's time for the Rose-Xiao Long Show! Starring myself- the _Amazing _Ruby Rose- and, of course, you know her, you love her, you can't get enough of her- Yang Xiao Loooooong!"

...Nothing.

"Ahem! Yang Xiao Looooooong!"

...

"Come _on, _Yang, not again!"

Finally, the door slowly opens, allowing a very weary-looking Yang to slouch into the chamber. "Hey, Rubes," she sighs as she climbs up into her bed and collapses into it. "Start the show yet?"

"Er, yeah... the camera's rolling," Ruby nods.

"Oh, hey, guys," Yang nods, not even looking as she waves at the camera. "So, this week, Weiss and I got roped into setting up the dance building up to the Vytal Tournament..."

"Oooohhhhhh," Ruby's eyes widen in sudden understanding. "So _that's _why you're so tired."

"She could give Bridezillas a run for her money," Yang sighs. "If she ever gets married, I'm moving to Vacuo until it's all over."

"Harsh," Ruby nods sympathetically.

"She's a total heretic, too," Yang adds. "I keep trying to put up the ultimate weapon in _any _decorator's arsenal- you know, duct tape- and she keeps cutting me off every time!"

"Duct tape?" Ruby asks. "You wanted the decorations to be... duct tape?"

"Well, at first, I was just using it to fix the fog machines, but then it occurred to me- why not plaster it _everywhere?_"

"Why duct tape?"

"Ruby, what have I always taught you? 'If all else fails-'"

"'-try duct tape,'" Ruby quotes, rolling her eyes. "But still, as a theme for a _dance-_"

"It's perfect!" Yang interrupts. "The duct tape dance of the Vytal Festival- holding people together!"

Ruby's eyes close halfway, and stay there for many long seconds. Finally, she says, "I'm going to the next segment now."

"Okay, fine."

"And it's gonna be _that _segment."

"Wait, wha-"

XXXX

**A VERY RWBY MUSICAL**

"We _gotta _work on that bumper, sis," Yang shakes her head as all of Teams RWBY and JNPR gather in an disused classroom. "We're having enough trouble with the censors as is."

"Don't wanna hear it, Yang," Ruby fires back as she prepares a karaoke stage. "I looked at the list- I saw what you plan to do on Halloween."

"Hey, hey, hey!" Nora interrupts. "What're we all doing here? It's not time for our segment yet!"

"I had an idea for a new segment- if the viewers like it, of course," Ruby preens. "Remember when Yang destroyed that car, and the editor got so mad at her he forbade her from pulling any more pranks?"

"For all the good _that _did," Weiss sniffs disdainfully. "I heard what happened at Junior's."

"Yeah, well, I thought of a punishment for Yang- humiliate her in front of everyone, and maybe the editor will let her start doing normal pranks again!"

"So you're having her sing karaoke?" Pyrrha asks, somewhat confused.

"You'll see," Ruby smiles. "Come on, Yang, let's get going!"

Yang sighs. "Viewers _better _vote to ditch this segment... or at least not have _me _sing anything else."

She turns dark red as some very... country-style music starts up, before very shakily beginning to sing along to it.

"_Well, I ain't never been the barbie doll type!_

_No, I can't swig that sweet champaign- I'd rather drink beer all night!"_

Weiss grimaces at the looks the others shoot her.

"_In a tavern, or in a honky tonk._

_I want a four-wheel drive tailgate_

_I've got posters on my wall of Skynrd, Kid, and Straight._

_Some people look down on me, but I don't give a rip-_

_I stand barefooted in my own backyard with a baby on my hip_

'_Cause I'm a red-neck woman, I ain't no high-class broad!_

_I'm just a product of my raisin', and I say 'Hey, y'all' and 'Yeehaw!'_

_And I keep my Christmas lights on, on my front porch all year long_

_And I know all the words to every Charlie Daniels song!_

_So here's to all my sisters, out there keeping it country-_

_let me get a big 'Hell, yeah,' from the red-neck girls like me!_

_Hell, yeah!"_

"Hell, yeah!" Ruby cheers, drawing several strange looks from the others- and a scathing one from Yang. That aside, she seems to be getting into the rhythm, particularly enjoying the growing scowl on Weiss's face.

"_Oh, Victoria's Secret? Yeah, their stuff's real nice,_

_but I can buy the same *redacted* thing on the Wal-Mart shelf, half-price_

_and still look sexy, just as sexy as those models on TV_

_I don't need no designer brands to make my man want me!"_

Several audience members at this point were wondering if Yang had deliberately chosen this song as a diss track towards Weiss.

"_You might think I'm trashy- a little too hardcore,_

_but in my neck of the woods, I'm just the girl next door!_

_Yeah, I'm a redneck woman, I ain't no high-class broad!_

_I'm just a product of my raisin', and I say 'Hey, y'all' and 'Yee-haw!'_

_And I keep my Christmas lights on, on my front porch all year long!_

_And I know all the words to every Tanya Tucker song!_

_So here's to all my sisters, out there keepin' it country!_

_Let me get a big 'Hell, yeah' from the redneck girls like me!_

_Hell, yeah!"_

"Hell, yeah!" Ruby calls back again, this time with Nora backing her up. The two then turn to pout at their counterparts who have yet to join in. Pyrrha shrugs nervously, Blake doesn't react at all, and Weiss crosses her arms and grimaces harder.

Yang just smirks.

"_I'm a redneck woman, I ain't no high-class broad!_

_I'm just a product of my raisin', and I say 'Hey, y'all' and 'Yee-haw!'_

_And I keep my Christmas lights on, on my front porch all year long!_

_And I know all the words to every Ol' Bo Seafus song!_

_So here's to all my sisters, out there keepin' it country!_

_Let me get a big 'Hell, yeah' from the redneck girls like me!_

_Hell, yeah!"_

"Hell, yeah!" This time, Blake joins in halfheartedly.

"_Hell, yeah!"_

"Hell, yeah?" Pyrrha sounds more like she's asking than telling.

"_I _said, _Hell, yeah!"_

"Hell, yeah," Weiss grumbles, realizing Yang has no intention of ending the song until she joins in.

At long last, it comes to an end.

Yang blushes a bit again as she looks around at her audience.

"That... was easily one of the worst songs I've ever heard in my life," Weiss grumbles.

"I don't recommend singing it in front of the White Fang," Blake chipped in.

"It was... unique?" Pyrrha shrugs again.

"Interesting?" Jaune suggests.

"AWESOME!" Nora cheers.

"..." Ren provides some _truly _invaluable commentary.

Yang pouts. "You guys all suck. Except you, Nora."

Nora- previously pouting- immediately perks back up.

"Well, the plan worked, at least!" Ruby says cheerfully. "Just got a text from the editor- you're good to start pranking again!"

"Does that mean this segment's over?" Blake asks. "I'd _really _like to go to my book review, now."

"Oh, yeah, we're all good," Ruby nods. "Hmm... I wonder if the audience will vote to keep this segment or scrap it?"

"I vote scrap," Weiss practically hisses. "If I have to sit through one other-"

XXXX

_BLAKE'S BOOK REVIEW_

"Back to this, huh?" Blake sighs, taking a seat in her room. "So close to finally being done last time, only to throw me back in now..."

She continues muttering for a while longer before finally turning her attention towards the camera. "Hello, and welcome to my book review, where I go through books I may or may not have read before and review them for your amusement. Today's book goes by the title _Battle Royale. _Took me a while to find an English copy- it was originally published in eastern Anima."

"From what I can gather, the story centers on a dystopian future of Anima in which fifty classes of high school students are chosen at random each year and sent to an island to battle each other to the death. For the course of the story, we follow Shuya Nanahara, an aspiring musician who has no intentions of dying on the island, and struggles to be the one to... to..."

Blake hesitates. "Why do I feel like I've heard this story before?" She flips back and forth through the book. "Children... harvested... battle to the death..."

She looks up at the camera. "Suzanne Collins, you little *redacted.* A fan of eastern Anima literature, are we? Just to recap- a group of children are harvested at random, sent to an arena, and forced to battle it out to the death. Now, say it wasn't schools- say it was, I don't know, _districts. _Say there were... _twelve _instead of fifty, and instead of a whole class, it was only two from each- a boy and a girl. And just for argument's sake, let's say that the protagonist was a girl with a habit of lighting herself on fire. _Are you catching on to what I'm saying?!_"

Blake sighs. "Now, I can't _prove _anything, of course, but it seems to me that the author of the Hunger Games may have had a little... _inspiration. _Sure, she took it in her own direction, but the similarities here... as an avid reader, I can't bring myself to ignore them."

"Well, does Shu Nakamura have a drunk mentor?" Yang butts in.

Blake meets her gaze evenly. "First off, Shuya Nanahara."

"Whatever."

"Second... no, he does not have a drunk mentor."

"Then the Hunger Games wins. Everything's better with drunk mentors- just ask Ruby."

Blake sighs. "Moving on... you're at liberty to read each book on your own and make your own decision, of course. Hunger Games- blatant rip-off of a previously-existing book? Just taking inspiration? Or could it just be considered a more... _Valian _take on the story? You be the judge."

"I'm calling it the _better _version," Yang crosses her arms and smiles.

Blake sighs. "Nobody cares, Yang."

XXXX

**TALES OF VALKYRIA**

"Lots of changes hitting the show all of a sudden, huh, Ren?" Nora reflects as they take a walk alongside a nearby lake.

"Everything must change to survive," Ren shrugs. "Television is no different."

"You're telling me," Nora nods happily. "Y'know, this all reminds me of way back when _I _was an idol!"

"You? An idol?" Ren asks, quirking a brow.

"What, you don't think I'm good enough?!" Nora asks, reeling back in mock-horror. "I'm hurt! Offended! A little hungry."

"My apologies, Nora," Ren smiles slightly. "It's just... I never saw any of your merchandise, I suppose."

"That's a conspiracy!" Nora immediately crows. "My manager's boss, she wanted to shut me down because she didn't like the way I saw things!"

"That's certainly something I'm willing to believe," Ren mutters. "What particular issues did she take umbrage with?"

"We're not here to talk about Harry Potter, Ren!" Nora objects. "Anyways, it was a quick rise to fame- I had two big hits right of the bat!" She rubs the back of her head sheepishly. "And... as it turns out... those were the only two hits I _ever _had. They were good songs, though! Got me a ticket all the way to rural Anima! _That _was a wild year, let me tell you! It was foggy all year- all the better to hide my true identity, of course. It was relaxing- aside from that whole saving-the-world things."

"Saving the world thing?" Ren quietly prompts her for more information.

"Oh, yeah- there was this withered old hag trying to consume the entire world in fog, but me and my buddies didn't let _that _happen!" Nora strikes a heroic pose. "Our leader was really cool- he was kinda like you, to be honest."

"He fought hand-to-hand?"

"No, he had a sword- more like Jauney, to be honest. He _did _get a katana at one point, though!"

"Katanas _are _just better."

"In the end, we got rid of the fog by destroying a giant disco ball, and went out to celebrate with lots of pancakes!" Nora crosses her arms in satisfaction as she concludes her story.

Ren chuckles. "Never a dull moment, hmmm?"

Nora, however, is already distracted. "Oh! Oh! I think I saw something in the water! I'm going in!"

"Nora, wait! You need to change into- oh, never mind." Ren sighs as she begins splashing water all over him, shaking his head and smiling again before wading out to join her.

XXXX

**PRANKSTER'S HANGOUT WITH YANG**

"Alright, back in business- finally!" Yang grins at the camera. "Welcome to Prankster's Hangout, where I show you all the latest and greatest in pranks! Now that I got my license to practice back from our editor- *redacted* stick-in-the-mud- it's time to show off my newest invention- the bench-saw!"

She sneaks out into the corridor, which is in the dark of night. "Gonna have to keep it down for now... don't wanna wake anyone up..."

She tiptoes down the hallway, a bag clinging tightly to her back. Finally, she arrives in the cafeteria.

"Alright, now, Weiss has been kinda getting on my nerves lately, so this is for her. I'm gonna slip over to her seat and break out my tools- a barrel full of root beer, a handsaw, and, of course, the ultimate weapon in any prankster's arsenal- duct tape. To begin with, you're gonna want to saw off the legs on both sides of your target bench."

She begins sawing away.

And sawing.

And sawing.

...And sawing.

Finally, she leans back, wiping some sweat from her brow. "Okay... the saw doesn't seem to be carrying us too far, here, so instead, I'm gonna follow the old Xiao Long proverb- if at first you don't succeed... try brute force."

With four massive cracks, she punches off all the legs attached to the bench.

"Okay, now you want to balance what's left of the bench on the barrel- that's gonna be your... fulcrum? Hypotnuse? Lever? One of those things. You wanna get the bench on there so it's _perfectly _balanced- as all things should be. You don't want anyone to notice until you come in for the kill. Use the duct tape to make sure it stays together, and... voila!"

She glances around, smirking, before hiding the camera and slinking away.

SSSS

The next morning, students begin filing in, yawning and stretching for the morning meal.

Weiss sighs when she sees her usual seat covered up with duct tape. "Ruby, tell your sister she's going to have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool a Schnee that easily."

"Whatdya mean?" Ruby asks, moving to take a seat herself, changing from her usual breakfast of milk and cookies to a less traditional milk and apple pie. "I don't see anything wrong with- ah!" With a squeak from the girl, the bench collapses under her weight, the other side rising in response.

"COWABUNGA!" comes a call nearby as Yang tumbles out of nowhere and slams into the risen end of the bench, sending Ruby rocketing skyward with a shriek.

"NAILED IT!" Yang cheers, pounding her fists together. "Take that, Ice... Queen?" She turns to see Weiss standing there, mouth open and eyes wide as she watches her partner crash through the ceiling and continue to rise further skyward. "You're... still here."

"What are you _doing, _you _dolt?!_" Weiss screams, her arms beginning to flap in agitation. "Did you learn _nothing _from the food fight?!"

Yang looks up as well. "Oh... umm... oops?"

"Oops is correct," comes the chilling voice of Glynda Goodwitch, appearing at their side, tapping her side with her riding crop. "Care to explain to me what's going on here?"

Yang smiles meekly as she looks back upwards, seeing the pie her sister had been about to eat steadily turning and beginning to fall back to earth. "I guess my hopes of having a normal prank were a bit... pie-in-the-sky, huh?"

Glynda looks up, then back.

She is not amused.

"Detention."

Yang snaps her fingers in frustration as she turns towards the camera. "Well, ladies... remember, if the guys don't find you pretty, they should at least find you punny."

...Which is exactly when the pie crashes back into her face.

... Followed by her sister.

XXXX

_INTERVIEW WITH A ROSE_

Ruby is trotting through downtown Vale towards the nearest ice cream parlor- after being robbed of her pie, she's craving something else sweet.

As she walks, rain clouds form overhead, then begin dropping their load. (EDITOR'S NOTE: Work on your phrasing. We're pushing the T rating enough as is.) As the rainfall becomes more intense, Ruby begins running faster and faster through the streets before stumbling and falling next to a storm drain.

"Ooowwww..."

She jumps slightly when she sees a pair of eyes peering out of the storm drain. "Ah!"

The face holding the eyes comes into better focus- mismatched brown and pink.

"Oh- you're that girl from school... Neo, right?"

The woman puts a hand under her chin in mock thought before putting a finger up in the air and grinning cheesily in the 'EUREKA!' pose. Silently sighing at Ruby's nonplused expression, she simply nods.

"Okay... why are you in the sewer?"

Neo stretches her hands out far apart from each other.

"It's... a long story?" A nod. "Okay... what are you doing down there?"

Neo begins gyrating her body in all _sorts _of weird ways, playing one of the oddest games of charades Ruby has ever partaken in.

"Okay, okay!" she raises her hands in surrender. "I get it, it's beyond my understanding! I... I gotta go, the ice cream place is closing soon!"

Neo's head snaps forward, meeting Ruby's silver eyes with her own mismatched, yet strangely hypnotic gaze. Slowly, she tilted her head, as one hand raised a large, pink ice cream cone.

"Oh, you were there already!" Ruby blinks. "Doesn't look like you've eaten it yet, though- hurry up, before it melts!"

Neo tilts her head slightly in the opposite direction, pushing the cone out a little further.

"Oh... you're offering it to _me?_"

*Nod.*

"Oh... um... okay... I mean, you're in Beacon, it can't be anything _too _bad, right?"

Neo smiles and nods as Ruby kneels down and begins reaching out for the frozen treat. Closer... closer...

Then straightening up with the ice cream in her hand, licking it and beaming at the heavenly flavor. "Mmmm... strawberry, my favorite! Thanks! See you later!"

She turns and skips off, Neo waving cheerfully out of the storm drain for a little longer before turning back to... whatever she was doing.

XXXX

Ruby is back in the dorm, happily licking at her surprise ice cream, when the door kicks in and reveals Yang, a stormcloud over her head. "Freakin' _Weiss!_" she grumbles, crossing the floor before crashing into her bed again. "Three hours choosing the color of the tablecloths! _Three! *Redacted!* Hours! _She keeps throwing different colors at me- choose one, choose one! I can't, they're all the same! It's just like going through Buzzfeed- it's all... the *EXPUNGED*... SAME!"

"Wow, all that for a dance she's not even going to," Ruby blinks.

She is on the point of taking a bite from the ice cream cone when she is startled nearly to the point of dropping it by her sister appearing directly in her face. "Say _what._"

"Oh, you didn't know?" Ruby asks, chuckling nervously. "Yeah, Weiss isn't even _going _to the dance. Something about bad luck with boys, so she's gonna record her next segment that night instead- use the CCT Tower to boost the power of her PC while she plays."

Yang blinks. Her eyes turn red.

...Not just her irises. The entirety of her eyes is now nothing but red.

"Wha..."

"Um... Yang?"

"Wha..."

There is a light popping noise, and a dribble of blood slips down the bridge of Yang's nose.

"Not... not going? All that she put me through... not even *EXPUNGED* _going..._"

"Yang? Are you okay? You're scaring me," Ruby whispers, backing away as much as she can.

Yang closes her eyes, shakes her head from side to side, and when she opens them, they're back to normal. "Huh? What? Oh, sorry, Rubes. Just a second... I need to go have a little _chat _with the _princess..._"

She storms back out.

Ruby glances nervously at the camera. "Here's hoping I didn't just condemn my partner to death... okay, next segment, I guess..."

XXXX

_SISTERLY ADVICE WITH RUBY_

Ruby's eyes are shining brightly as she finishes off her ice cream. "Ah, that's the good stuff... anyways, welcome to my advice corner, where I provide you with tips on how to deal with life, the universe, and everything! You guys seem to be doing pretty well out there- no requests for advice again! That's good, because this week, we're talking about a topic near and dear to my heart- dogs!"

"Of course, dogs are _the _classic pet for young kids to have!... well, cats, too, I guess, but I don't want to _think _about Blake's reaction if she found out that we had a _cat. _But dogs, dogs are great! They're so loyal, they'll cheer you up on your worst days, and all they ask in return is a bit of love!... And... and to scoop up their poop... and to keep them clean whenever they dive into grimm dung... and... a few other things..."

Ruby shakes her head before returning to her bright expression. "Actually, I have a dog back home myself- his name's Zwei, and he's the most adorable little corgi ever, yes he is, yes he is!" She pauses and coughs. "Sorry... I get that way sometimes, when I talk about him."

She sits up straighter. "But here's the thing, kids- dogs aren't all just fun and games! They're a responsibility, too! You have to feed them, walk them, and clean up after them!" Another pause. "There were a couple other things Dad mentioned before we got him, but I can't quite remember... anyways! The best thing _I _think you can do for your dog is to unlock his aura, so that when you get attacked by grimm on a routine walk, he'll be able to fight back!" She brandishes a fist at the camera. "KAPOW! Yeah, you didn't think a _corgi _could take you down, _did _you, you puny little beowolf? _HWAA-TAAA!_"

Another pause to clear her throat. "So, yeah- that's my advice. Make sure your dog is clean, where they've _been _is clean, they have enough to eat, and that they're lean, mean grimm-killing machines! Until next time, remember- I'm standing with you! We're all in this together!"

XXXX

**ADVENTURE TIME WITH PYRRHA AND JAUNE**

Oh, hello, again! I guess it's time for me to describe my latest adventure with Jaune, right? Okay... umm... well, this time around, we were deployed to a small village on the outskirts of Vale- something about that place not being right.

I noticed immediately when we got there- everyone was dressed in robes and pointed hoods- all blue. Everything was so _blue. _Even the cow was blue- as I noticed when Jaune pointed it out to me.

...Well, not so much _pointed it out to me _as _it chased him past me. _I don't know what that cow's problem was.

Thankfully, he finally managed to distract it by pulling a giant red cloth out of his jeans and started bullfighting it. I... well, standard procedure when Jaune gets into these types of situations is to stand back and assume he knows what he's doing...

Well, the cow sent him sprawling onto the doorstep of a large building with a neon sign over it reading _LEADER OF OUR CULT,_ leading Jaune to believe that we'd find answers if we investigated further. I was... hard-pressed to argue with his logic.

It was awfully crowded on the inside- there were more cultists in here than anywhere on the outside, all kneeling down in prayer and chanting about blue. Every now and again, one of them would attack us for being red and yellow instead of blue, but that was it. That was when Jaune leaned over and whispered in my ear... _I think there's something up with this place, Pyr. _

...Again, I was hard-pressed to debate his logic.

Eventually, he got us through by pulling a giant inflatable orange ball out of his jeans, along with an air pump to fill it up. That's an amazing thing about Jaune, you know- I don't know if it's his semblance or what, but you can never tell what he's going to pull out of his pants.

...Knowing that Yang's going to watch this back eventually, I should _really _choose my words more carefully.

Well, when he inflated the ball, all the cultists recoiled from it like a vampire from a cross. They even made those sorts of hissing noises. Then again, I think one or two of them might have been cat faunus, so there you go.

We finally got up to the top, where, to our surprise, the cult was run by a short child who was... er... how to say this nicely... rather... _stout. _His voice was... interesting. *JAUNE'S NOTE: She's too nice to say it, so I will- his voice was more aggravating than listening to Freddy Krueger's claws on a chalkboard.* Immediately upon seeing us, he asked if we'd like to... no, sorry, I'm not repeating that. Then he started throwing lightning at us.

We both dodged out of the way, and the lightning set the entire building on fire. He managed to escape through the door, shouting something along the lines of _Screw you guys, I'm going home, _but by the time _we _could get to the door, a great deal of debris collapsed in front of it.

I was starting to get nervous, but another wonderful thing about Jaune is how great he is under pressure. He could have been freaking out right then, but instead, he got this glint in his eyes that told me he had a plan. He reached back into his jeans and pulled out the same red cloth he used against the cow earlier, and started unfolding it further.

...And further.

... And further.

Jaune... he's full of surprises. I didn't realize when I first saw that cloth that it was apparently large enough to act as a circus tent. Anyways, he started waving it over the fire. Jaune... I... I don't think that's going to work... Jaune... I think... I think that's just making things worse.

So I grabbed on to the opposite side and started trying to hold it steady, when the oddest thing happened. So... you know how hot air balloons act on the principles of hot air pushing cloth up? Well... that's what happened... the hot air from the fire was pushing the cloth up, and we were both holding on, so we went up with it, and... by the time we were clear of the fire, we were too high to just let go... and then the wind caught us, and we just kind of drifted away...

It was probably about the time I saw desert underneath us that I realized we _probably _weren't going to get back to Beacon in time for the dance.

XXXX

THE LONG MAIL BAG

"Finally given up on the bumper, huh, sis?" Yang sighs.

"Sorry, Yang, it just doesn't want to survive the editing process," Ruby agrees heavily.

"Ah, well- time to read some letters!" Yang smiles as she produces a bag.

Ruby happily accepts it and begins rummaging around within. "Let's see... first, from NyxTheShady- 'Was that the Forest Temple from-'"

"Yes," Yang interrupts. "Next!"

"Okay, from BLOOD DARKLING- he wants to apologize for nearly shutting us down."

"Ah, that wasn't _your _fault," Yang waves aside. "That was the censors' fault- theirs, and nobody else's."

"Too true," Ruby nods sagely. "Okay, aceman88 wants to apologize for his fopee an episode or two ago-"

"His what?"

"Huh?"

"He wants to apologize for his fopee!"

"...What?"

"Y'know, when someone accidentally does something they probably shouldn't have?"

"...Ruby, that's _faux-pas._"

"...Oh."

Yang laughs. "Anyways, don't worry about it- I'm no psychotic *REDACTED* who's gonna hold it against you forever. As long as you don't do it again, we're cool. Tell you what- I wouldn't even kill you."

Ruby sighs. "Really, Yang?"

"What? We're _always _talking about how we 'wouldn't even' around here!"

"...Whatever. Anyways, he also volunteers to help you cover up... a murder? A bartender? Named Tifa?"

Yang's face pales.

"Yang? Who's Tifa? Yang, what's he talking about? Yang? Yang?"

"NEXT LETTER!" Yang says, very loudly.

Ruby blinks, but shrugs and turns to the next letter. "Okay, last one, from SpiderShadow5- Yang, if you make one more bad pun, I'm... oh..."

"He'll what?" Yang asks curiously.

"Nothing!"

"Read it, Rubes."

Ruby sighs. "He says he'd steal your duct tape-"

*CRACK!*

Ruby is silenced by the sound of a shotgun blast right next to her. Yang's eyes have turned their normal shade of red, and her gauntlet is smoking.

"Oh, _I'm sorry, _did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Go on. I believe you were saying something about _stealing my duct tape._"

A ringing silence falls.

"Oh, oh, you were _finished! _Well, _allow me to retort!" _Beat. "_What... do I... look like?_"

"Um... Yang?"

"I DON'T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A DUST-*REDACTED* THING!"

"Meep!"

Yang halts, and takes a moment to breath, before turning towards the camera, fixing it with a deadly glare. "Who... are you talking to right now? Who is it... you think you see? Do you know... how many grimm I kill a year? How many _lives _I have ended with my bare hands?" She pauses to scoff. "Even if I _told _you, you'd never _believe _me. Do you realize what would happen if I suddenly decided to stop working? A business large enough to compete with the Ice Queen's goes belly-up. _Disappears. _CEASES TO EXIST WITHOUT _ME! _No, you _clearly _don't know who you're dealing with!"

As Ruby forages through Yang's stuff to find the expected collection of _Breaking Bad, _Yang continues. "Well, let me clue you in. Me and my duct tape... we're not in danger, SpiderShadow5, we _are _the danger! Some hapless, whiny little *EXPUNGED* gets *REDACTED*-slapped into the stratosphere by the Power Stone, and you think that of _me? _NO. I am... the one who punches."

As she falls back, breathing like a winded rhinoceros, Ruby nervously takes her place in front of the camera. "OKAY! NEXT SEGMENT!

XXXX

_**WEISS'S GAMING EXPERIENCE**_

Weiss sneaks up through the CCT tower, only to jump in shock when she nearly slams directly into a grinning Yang. "Oh, hello... Yang."

"Off to play a game for the show, Weiss?"

"Oh, yes- I noticed we got a request for Batman, the TellTale series, so-"

"Nah, you're not doing Batman," Yang shakes her head. "You're doing Outlast."

"What... wha?"

"Look, Weiss, we all know you're a big fan of Batman-"

"I AM NOT!"

"..."

"I... I just thought it seemed like the... the least _bad _of the suggestions!"

"And that's also why you have every live-action Batman movie ever made?"

"..."

"_Including _the parody musical?"

",,,,"

"And all the comics?"

"..."

"And why you're dressed in a Batman costume right now?"

"Okay, okay, I get the point!" Weiss raises her hands in frustration, not really hampered at all by the outfit. "TellTale seems interesting, and I want to see their take on the greatest superhero of our time! _Happy?!_"

"Very much so," Yang crosses her arms, smiling. "...But you're still playing Outlast."

"Why?!"

"Because," Yang says, beckoning Weiss closer... and closer... and closer... "BECAUSE I DON'T APPRECIATE BEING PUT THROUGH HELL TO ORGANIZE A DANCE YOU'RE NOT EVEN *EXPUNGED* _GOING _TO!"

Weiss blinks, and readjusts the costume that was knocked off-kilter by the volume of Yang's scream. "Okay, fine... Outlast it is..."

Nevertheless, it is with a rather huffy air that she takes her seat at her PC in the CCT Tower, preparing to play Outlast. "Batman wouldn't do this just because she said so... Batman does what Batman wants..."

The game begins. "Let's see... Not recommended for the faint of heart... Batman's not faint of heart... you can only run, you are not a fighter... no one tells _Batman _what he is and isn't..."

The game begins, and she begins climbing her way into a sanatorium. "I _guess _I can pretend this is Arkham... makes it a _little _better... will I find the Joker in here? Poison Ivy? Perhaps Two-Face? I've always been partial to Two-Face, for some reason..."

She sneaks along. "Batman is a master of stealth," she whispers. "I'm not... not entirely sure what I'm hiding _from, _but Batman would be the master of stealth anyways. Batman is _nothing _if not prepared."

Unbeknownst to her, as she draws closer to the game's first jumpscare, a woman is rising in the elevator behind her. As fate would have it, the elevator beeped open at the exact time that a large, muscular man missing his nose grabs Weiss's character from behind. "LITTLE PIG!"

"AAAAAAH!"

A tall woman clad in black strides into the room, looking around in bewilderment. "Could have sworn I heard a scream in here," the _MYSTERIOUS WOMAN _(tm) muses. Her eyes fall on the laptop, now showing a first-person view of a bug-eyed priest. The chair in front of it is empty. "Odd..."

"You don't belong here."

The _MYSTERIOUS WOMAN _(tm) jumps and spins around to find the elevator blocked by... a remarkably short person in a Batman outfit.

Her eyes narrow behind her mask. "Of all the idiotic-"

The 'Batman' moves rapidly, crossing the room almost immediately. "NO. I am _not _idiotic! I am _vengeance! _I am _THE NIGHT! I... AM... BATMAN!"_

From which point a great deal more screaming was heard from below for at least half an hour longer before suddenly... ceasing.

XXXX

Ruby and Yang throw open the door and sway heavily as they re-enter the room, giggling slightly. "I... toldja... ittttttt wasssss... a bad idea ter... ter spike da punch," Ruby laughs as she collapses into Weiss's bed.

"Blake'll... Blake'll be a bit..." Yang offers a goofy grin as she collapses into her own partner's bunk. "She'sh... she'sh gott one mer dance wit Shun..."

"Dat... dat was a good danche," Ruby giggles. "Wonder... where Weish ish..."

"She'll... she'll be... oughtta... shoon..." Yang starts snoring.

Ruby hiccups as she throws a reproachful glance at her sister. "But _Yaaaaang... _we... we gotcha end da epishode..."

"Huh... oh... ohrite..."

"Da dance..." Ruby forces out, struggling to look at the camera through bleary eyes. "Da dance was a biiiiiiig success... 'cept fur... Jauney n' Purrha... dey didn't... dey didn't shhhhhow... but... dat's what happens... shumtimes... anyways... we'll tell you da... da resht next tiiiime... until den... tanks... ta our produsher... Gamer4... our editor... GeorgeKYSHT... our shet deviner, Breeeeeeenut... n' ta da Red Grrreen Show for... for inspir... for thingy..."

Yang forces her head up long enough to say, "Dun't... dun't wait too Long... we gotsch Rose mur commin' yur way!" She offers one bright smile before seemingly racing Ruby back to her pillow and engaging in a snoring contest.


	6. Turnabout Xeno

Episode VI

Turnabout Xeno

Ruby is peering out the door to her dorm, glancing around. "You're sure you're ready this time? We're not going to- okay, good. About time."

She turns back into the room and glances at the camera. "Oh, we're already recording? Oh, well, I'm not starting over. It's time for the Rose-Xiao Long Show! Starring me, the incomparable Ruby Rose, and the best big sister this side of Anima, Yang Xiao Looooong!"

Yang steps through the door, waving and smiling at the camera. "Hello, hello, hello! It's been one heckuva crazy week up here at Beacon, it really has. First, Ruby and I woke up the day after the dance, not remembering anything that happened the night before-"

"-I _told _you spiking the punch was a bad idea," Ruby mutters.

"-then we find out that, while everyone else was busy dancing, some woman was busy getting beaten half to death up in the CCT tower!"

"I was surprised when _I _heard!" Ruby puts in. "That Cinder... er... Cinder Bawls woman seemed so trustworthy!"

"Yeah, with how many times she must have been held back, I honestly didn't think she'd have the brains to do something like this," Yang agrees. "But they've got her locked down, now, and they're holding a trial to try to find out exactly what happened- why she was up there, who beat her up, all that good stuff."

"What are they finding out?"

Yang bites her lip. "Well... the thing about that is..."

Ruby blinks. "What? They haven't found anything out yet?"

"The problem is," Yang starts again, "some idiot decided to call our producer as a witness."

"Gamer4?" Ruby asks, surprised. "What would _he _know?"

"That's not important- the important thing is, someone mentioned the Xeno series." Yang furrows her brow.

Ruby gasps. "They... they cut him off early, right? They didn't let him build up a head of steam, did they?"

Yang sighs, pulling a remote out of her pocket and pointing it at a nearby TV set, which conveniently starts up on the unfolding trial, featuring a tall man in a black coat wandering around with extravagant hand motions. "Now that we have a good idea of the _developmental _history of this greatest of gaming franchises, allow me to delve into-"

Ruby groans as she turns the tv off again. "Yeah, they're gonna be in there all day."

"Even worse," Yang frowns. "Dad's in there, too."

Ruby yelps. "NO! We have to get him out of there before he chews his own leg off!"

"Already on it," Yang nods. "Switch to the next segment, and I'll fill you in on my plan."

XXXX

**YANG'S FILM REVIEW**

This time around, Yang is in the dorm on her own, tapping on a film case right next to her. "Well, since we were overwhelmed by positive feedback on the musical segment-"

"What are you talking about?" comes Ruby's voice from behind the camera. "Nobody even brought it up."

Yang rolls her eyes. "Sarcasm, Ruby- learn it. We've decided that we'll try it out again later, but for now, we're trying out _another _new segment- at the request of the watchers _and _our editor, we're testing the waters on a movie review segment!"

"Why do _you _get to do the movie reviews?" Ruby asks, a pout evident in her voice. "You've already got your prank corner!"

"That's the thing," Yang raises a finger. "Depending on the type of movie, we'll leave it to a different cast member! We can work out the details later, but _obviously, _I'll be taking the comedies!"

"The bane of humor reviewing comedies," Ruby remarks drily. "This sounds like a great idea."

"Shut up, Rubes," Yang narrows her eyes before brightening up. "The first movie up today is this _classic _from... over a decade ago, now? Wow."

"Classic in the same way Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo was, I'm sure."

Yang blinks. "...Maybe Weiss _has _been rubbing off on you a bit," she mutters. "You're forgetting how to have fun! Don't worry, though- this is just the movie to remind you! A silly plot, ridiculous characters, and more jokes per minute than the average abridged series!

"It focuses on aspiring stuntman Rod Kimble, who... kinda sucks as a stuntman. He also wants to earn the respect of his stepfather by beating the everloving crap out of him, but he's no great fighter, either. When he finds out his stepfather is dying of a heart condition, he decides to perform a fundraiser involving the greatest stunt the world has ever seen to earn the money for a heart transplant- and that's about as deep as it gets. Everything else is a bunch of jokes."

"...How many puns?" Ruby asks nervously.

Yang blinks, then rolls her eyes around in thought. "... Actually, I can't remember any puns at all, off the top of my head."

"Oh- maybe there's hope for it after all!"

Yang sighs. "He goes around raising money to do the fundraiser by doing smaller-scale stunts, always messing it up somehow... blowing himself up, nearly drowning, getting run over by cars... really, the greatest miracle in this movie is that he survives it at all."

"He kinda sounds like Jaune," Ruby comments.

"I guess so," Yang shrugs. "Speaking of, have those two come back yet? I haven't seen them since before the dance."

"Last I heard, they were heading out to investigate a village somewhere," Ruby recalls.

Yang stands. "Well, add that to the list of things we need to do- finish this episode, save Dad from that trial, and find out what happened to Team Arkos."

"Right!" Ruby sounds very much like she's saluting. "Switching to the next segment..."

XXXX

_BLAKE'S BOOK REVIEW_

Blake sighs as she turns the tome in her hands over, glancing at it from every angle, taking it all in as she seemingly mentally prepares for her review. "...More dystopian thrillers. Good- there aren't enough of these. I was hoping for a brighter book to review, maybe with some high adventure or romance, but no, I have to review more dystopian thrillers. Well, here I am..."

She clears her throat. "Shade's Children begins in the not-too-distant future- presumably not the same one as the X-Men films, but who knows for sure- following an event called the Change, in which everyone over the age of fourteen vanished. During this event, evil overlords known as... the Overlords... step in and conquer what remains of the human population. Children who reach age fourteen are executed, with very few exceptions, for reasons I refuse to go into right now- but even those exceptions are granted only four extra years.

"...Between this and last episode's review, I have to wonder how these authors found out about the White Fang's manifesto for humanity."

She shakes her head. "Anyways, the main plot follows a boy with golden eyes named... Gold-Eye. Shakespeare, his parents weren't. He manages to escape the Overlords and eventually finds a group of other escapees led by the last surviving adult, Shade, who is slowly brainwashing them into rebellion against the Overlords, gradually training them to commit more and more heinous acts, until they don't even question blowing up a train full of-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" comes Yang's voice. "Where's all _this _coming from?"

"What? It's all in the book?"

A brief silence.

Yang clears her throat. "Don't you think you might be... er... projecting a little?"

"Are you insinuating I'm incapable of reading a book without projecting my own experiences onto it?" Blake asks, narrowing her eyes.

"No, no, of course not! It's just... I think _I've _read that book before, and... that doesn't really sound like it."

"You clearly weren't paying attention," Blake rebukes.

Yang sighs. "It... it kinda sounds like you just read an article about this book on the internet, then used your own similar experiences to fill in the rest."

Blake's eyes narrow further. "Get out."

"What?"

"I said get out."

"But-"

"Yang Xiao Long, I refuse to go any further into this story after that little insult. I didn't even get to the part where Gold-Eye leaves the Children by separating the train cars they were standing on, and yet _you _have ruined the whole review."

"But what about-"

"OUT!

XXXX

**TALES OF VALKYRIA**

Ren and Nora are actually back in their dorm for a change- Ren relaxing on his bed while Nora jumps up and down on hers. "I'm just saying, it's weird that Jaune and Pyrrha aren't back yet," Nora muses as she assumes a different pose with every bounce. "They've always come back before now."

"And there's no reason to think they won't this time," Ren speaks comfortingly. "I'm sure they'll have some tall tales of their own to tell when they finally return."

"I just don't want the same thing to happen to them that happened to my first bestest friend," Nora groans, finally returning to her old station, just lying on the bed.

"Your... first bestest friend?" Ren quirks a brow, a slight look of annoyance crossing his face.

"Remember when I was talking about my time on the countryside?" Nora recalls. "Well, the leader of our team was my first bestest friend! I'd have followed him through thick and thin- I'd have crawled naked over a field of broken glass if he asked me to!"

Ren bites his lip slightly, annoyance turning to frustration. "So... what happened to this... man?"

"Well, it was about the time that my idol career was coming to an end that I decided to become a superhero!" Nora beams, leaping back to her feet to strike a heroic pose. "Fight crime, protect the innocent- work towards world peace! Taking up my mother's mantle, I became the new... Pink Avenger!"

"How does your old... _friend _come into this?"

"Well, he decided to help me, of course- he knew great things were coming, but we kinda bit off more than we could chew when we tried to take on the White Fang. We were about to come down hard on Sienna Khan when... it happened."

A long silence followed, Nora suddenly looking grim, while Ren tapped his fingers waiting for the follow-up. Finally, he gently prompted, "_What _happened?"

Nora sat bolt upright. "We had Sienna Khan dead to rights- we had her in court, the best prosecutor in the land ready to prove her guilt with his dashing Atlesian accent... my bestest friend in the whole world was on the witness stand when Sienna dove towards him, unleashing a poison she'd received from one of her cronies, splashing it across his face. He survived... but he was never the same after that."

"What did he do?" Ren asks.

"Oh, he blamed me for what happened and started trying to kill me," Nora shrugged. "He always did this weird thing, though- he always had to flip a coin to decide whether he'd actually go through with it, and luckily, it always came up in my favor."

Ren blinks. "I... I feel like I've heard this story somewhere before."

"Don't think about it!" Nora swiftly commands. "Just listen and believe!" She coughs. "Anyways, I don't know where he is anymore, I haven't seen him in years."

Ren rises from his bed and plops himself down next to her. "Well... you don't have to worry about me doing anything like that, Nora."

Nora smiles. "I know, Ren," she agrees, leaning into his chest. "You... probably wouldn't even notice, to be honest. You're super calm like that."

The two lean back and remain in silence for a while longer.

Finally, Ren sits back up. "Speaking of trials, we ought to see how this one is going."

"Oh, right!" Nora agrees, sitting back up. "A woman sneaking around in _our _CCT tower? The Pink Avenger must know what happens next!"

Ren switches on their television, revealing the same man from before still prancing around before an audience that collectively looked like they were dying a slow, painful death. "Now, bear with me, because the connection from the original Gears and Saga to the new style of Blade can be a little-"

Ren immediately turns the tv off. "I bet they wish Sienna would appear and throw some poison in _his _face."

XXXX

**PRANKSTER'S HANGOUT WITH YANG**

Yang grins from the center of her workshop. "Hello, everyone, and welcome to Prankster's Hangout! Now, unfortunately, I've been banned from doing an actual prank this time because the editor didn't appreciate me spiking the punch last episode." She grumbles something unintelligible before returning to her bright demeanor. "So instead, we'll make today's focus saving my Dad from being reduced to a vegetable by our producer's testimony!"

She leaps over the table. "Yes- today, I'll show you how to become a superhero! Between Nora talking about the Pink Avenger and Weiss's sudden fixation with Batman, it just seems like the right thing to do. Luckily, I'm so awesome already that I only need one thing for this- the ultimate weapon in any superhero's arsenal!... Duct tape."

She produces a roll of duct tape and pulls a length away. "First, we'll cut holes into this strip for our eyes!"

She begins fumbling around with a pair of scissors, struggling to cut the holes without ruining the rest of the strip.

...She fails and tries again with another strip.

...And another.

And another.

And another.

After about half an hour or so, she finally sighs. "Ruby, get over here with your scythe!"

"Yipee!"

A quick camera cut, and Yang is proudly holding a strip of duct tape with two perfectly round holes for her eyes. "Now, the important thing to do is wrap it around your head sticky-side _out, _because you really don't want to go through the trouble of ripping it off your skin every time."

She then crosses the room to a closet and swings it open. "Next, I'm gonna present you with my suit- now, for someone like me, with aura, strength, and all around bad*REDACTED*ery, I don't need much- just some basic sports equipment for a little extra protection. Adjust to your price range and needs."

She smirks as she begins spreading more duct tape all over the aforementioned sports equipment, leaving them with a fine silver sheen.

"Okay, now that we've got _that _done, all that's left is to throw this thing on and break Dad out of there!"

SSSS

By the time Yang arrives in the courtroom, more than half the people there are asleep as the man continues to drone on and on. "It seems ironic to me that the fourth game in the series- I mean, sixth, but in terms of-"

The door is kicked in by a _mysterious woman _(TM) covered in duct tape. "HALT! IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE!"

"Oh, thank Dust, something's happening," the Judge mutters, rubbing his head where he'd just been smashing it into his desk.

"Yang?" comes the voice of a tall blond man with a scruffy beard. "What are you doing here?"

"I don't know any Yang!" the woman calls. "I am... DUCT TAPE WOMAN! I have come to save you from this madman!"

"-but aside from that, there doesn't seem to be any obvious allusions to-" the man in the coat continues monologuing as if nothing is happening.

"Sorry, Yang, but I... I have to see this through," Taiyang shakes his head, sounding as though it is the hardest thing he has ever had to say. "No matter how long this takes, we _have _to find the truth."

"Is everyone in this school _insane?!_" screams Cinder, still dressed in black, though her mask has been removed.

"_I'll _get her to speak," comes a gruff voice sounding very much like a high, dignified voice trying to sound gruff. Everyone turns to see someone crashing in through the window- a short figure in a Batman outfit. Upon seeing the figure, Cinder pales and begins scrabbling away.

"Keep that _thing _away from me!"

"What is _happening?!_" Taiyang asks, eyes widening in shock.

"Why you?" Duct Tape Woman crosses her arms, glaring at the Batman figure. "_I _could drag the truth out of her- what makes you so much better than me?"

The Batman(?) strides quickly across the room and glares down Duct Tape Woman- an impressive feat, considering that his(?) stature is significantly shorter. "I'm not wearing hockey pads," he(?) growls.

Duct Tape Woman sighs. "Alright, I'll leave this to you. Just... keep Taiyang sane, okay?"

"Of course," Batman(?) agrees.

Duct Tape Woman sighs, turning and leaving the chamber before removing her mask. "Well, that was a load of absurdity. Well... ladies! Remember, if the guys don't find you pretty, they should at least find you punny!"

She snaps her fingers. "Oh! Wait! One-liners- the most important part! Gotta think fast- umm-"

XXXX

_INTERVIEW WITH A ROSE_

Ruby sighs as she takes over the show again. "Okay, thought I'd save you before _that _madness went on any longer. Let's see... I'm sure I can find _someone _to interview today..."

Her eyes brighten as she spots somebody down the hall. "Oh! Oh! It's _Batman!"_

In a puff of rose petals, she vanishes and reappears right next to the caped crusader... himself. He jumps and his oddly crystal blue eyes widen when he sees her approaching.

"Omigosh, you're really here! Oh, if only Weiss could be here right now, she's your biggest fan, she's got all your movies and shows and comics and she's trying to play your games and she'd be so _excited!_"

Batman seems to be struggling to get a word in edgewise as she continues babbling. At long last, she ends off with, "But wait... weren't you just at the trial?"

"Oh- umm..." Batman seems to be at a loss for words, and, once again, seems very much like a higher, graceful, feminine voice struggling to sound low and gruff. "Well... it turns out any information I beat out of her wouldn't be admissible anymore, so they told me to leave. Besides, that Gamer4 guy wouldn't shut up."

"He's _still _going on?" Ruby's eyes widen. "I thought even _he _would have a limit..."

She dismisses the thought and continues fangirling. "Oh, you're so _cool! _I love how you take out all your enemies like-" She begins flailing her arms around while making odd karate-sounding noises. "And how brave you are- you'll even take on _Superman _if you have to! And-"

"Yes, yes, I get it, I'm... _awesome..._" The word sounds odd on his mouth for some reason. "But... I really need to go now-"

"Are you sure?" Ruby asks. "I'm sure Weiss would love to meet you, too!"

"I'm sorry, I just don't have that kind of-"

"You two are kinda alike, now that I think about it."

Batman stops dead, eyes widening further. "You... you think... you think we're alike?"

"Yeah!" Ruby nods rapidly. "You're both filthy rich, but you want to be more than that- you use your resources to try and make the world a better place! That's the best thing about you both- as cool as you both are, the best thing is how _selfless _you can be- you put everyone else ahead of yourself, every time, without any thought! That's what makes you the greatest hero of them all!"

Batman's eyes are starting to water. "Oh... you dolt..."

"Are you okay?" Ruby asks, tilting her head in confusion.

She is caught off guard when Batman steps forward and pulls her into a hug. Her eyes widen, and she gently pats him on the back. "Eh.. Heheh... love you?"

Batman pulls away, coughing and looking away pointedly. "And... er... I love you... random citizen. Now, I _really _have to go!"

He charges off around a nearby corner, leaving Ruby to stare after him in wonder.

XXXX

"So, you're telling me you met Batman?"

"So did you, Yang!" Ruby counters, leaning back in her bed. "I saw the footage too, remember?"

"Batman doesn't exist, Rubes," Yang points out. "Not like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny."

"Then who _was _it, huh?" Ruby challenges.

"I don't know," Yang admits. "They _did _seem oddly familiar, though..."

"I got that feeling, too," Ruby admits. "It _felt _like I'd seen him before..."

Yang strokes her chin in thought. "I feel like it's right on the tip of my tongue... like I _should _know who it is, but it's blacked out of my memory..."

"Something you saw before you drank all the spiked punch?" Ruby suggests.

"Maybe something like that," Yang shrugs. "Tell you what- go to the next segment. Maybe I'll have it by the time we get back."

"Whatever you say, sis," Ruby shrugs.

XXXX

_SISTERLY ADVICE WITH RUBY_

"Hel-loooo, and welcome to my advice corner, where I give you all the tips and tricks on dealing with life, the universe, and everything!" Ruby beams. "In honor of this Sunday, I thought we'd talk a bit about Father's Day! I _would _have talked about Mother's Day, but, of course, the show didn't even exist back then. Besides, what tips could _I _give about that?" Her tone gets a little darker. "Go up to the cliff where she's buried, lay some flowers there, then kill a bunch of grimm on the way back? Clearly the best way to spend a holiday."

She shakes her head, then smiles again. "But Father's Day, Father's Day is great! You get to spend some time with the man who means more to you than anyone else in the whole wide world! Last year, we didn't really get around to too much- Dad had things to take care of at school- but we _did _manage to get him an awesome T-Shirt! Before that, it was kinda an annual tradition to have Uncle Qrow come over and take him out drinking all night- Yang went with them last time. Of course, they had me stay home and watch Zwei the whole time... meanies..."

After a minute of pouting, Ruby returns to smiling. "I know it can be difficult, especially if you have some issues with your father- mine didn't want me to go to hunter school, Qrow had a heck of a time convincing him- but really, that doesn't matter! At the end of the day, he's still your Dad, right? You wouldn't be who you are without him! Even if it is a silly card and a silly shirt, do something to show him you care!"

She smiles for a moment, tapping her fingers on the desk. "... Speaking of which, I should probably check on mine." She produces a remote and turns on the tv, showing the trial still going on.

"Now that we have an idea of the games' _plots, _it's time to start delving into the lore of-"

She squeaks and quickly shuts the tv down. "Yeah, his brain's gonna be pudding by Father's Day," she laments. "Anyways... until next time, remember, I'm standing with you! We're all in this together!"

XXXX

**ADVENTURE TIME WITH JAUNE AND PYRRHA**

Oh, hey, guys, Jaune here. I'm guessing you're wondering just what Pyr and I have been up to all this time, missing the dance and all. Well, here's what happened.

After we got carried away from that weird blue village, we kinda sorta sailed on a few wind currents until we landed in the middle of the desert. That was... that was a difficult time. We didn't really know where to go, things were hot, and there were a bunch of cactuses around. Cactuses? Cacti? Whatever. Pyrrha spent some time looking for moss on them, convinced they'd point us west, and ultimately back to Vale. I... I don't really know where she got those ideas from.

We set out into the desert, the sun roasting us overhead, and started trying to find our way back to civilization. And, if I'm going to be proud of anything, it's that I lasted a little longer than Pyrrha before the hallucinations started. She was the first one to think she heard a cow skeleton asking her if it would be a good signpost.

Then again, when my hallucinations _did _kick in, they were quite the doozy- I _swear _I found a white sesame seed lying in the desert that was asking us to find its long-lost life partner. The strangest thing is, Pyrrha said she heard the same thing. It explained to us that they'd just been in a bad break-up, but deep down, she still cared for him, so she pleaded with us to find him and reunite them again.

We said we'd keep an eye out, then went back to stumbling around the desert for a while.

When night fell, things started looking up a bit- I was always fascinated by the stars when I was younger, so I knew the basics of using them to navigate- though it took me a while to convince Pyrrha that the brightest star in the sky pointed to the North, not to Bethlehem.

The... er... the funny thing about the desert is, for all the heat during the day, it suddenly becomes ice cold at night, so Pyrrha insisted on walking closer together to share our body heat. Strangely enough, she insisted on taking off an odd number of clothes, too- something about maximizing skin contact. Honestly, it was kind of a relief when I found a distraction in the form of another talking sesame seed.

This one was black, and sounded more male. He said he had just been through a bad breakup with his girlfriend, a white sesame seed, and wanted to take back the things he'd said to her before. He got pretty excited when he heard we'd already met her; he started pleading with us to take him to her. Given how everything else had been going so far, we just kinda shrugged and went with it.

It took us until noon the next day to find the white sesame seed again. It was a real tear-jerker, watching the two lost lovers finally reunite after so long. It was around that time that the next mirage swung in- a couple of men appeared, one black and wearing sunglasses, the other white and in a white shirt. They started singing a song I've never heard before- kind of catchy, though. Ebony... and ivory... lived together in perfect harmony...

The next thing I knew, Pyrrha and I were waking up in a bullhead taking us back to Beacon. According to the medics, they'd found the two of us locked arm-in-arm dancing around in a circle to music only we could hear.

...I'm not sure whether or not I wish I could remember that.

XXXX

THE LONG MAIL BAG

"That's still bothering me," Yang remarks. "But whatever- time to read some letters!"

"What's bothering me is the intro," Ruby puts in. "As in, there is none. We need to work on that."

"Whatever, just read," Yang commands.

Ruby sighs, reaching into the bag to produce the first letter. "Hmmm... Doesn't look like SpiderShadow appreciates your quoting Thanos in the last episode."

"Well, _I _don't appreciate _him _threatening my duct tape, so it all balances out, doesn't it?" Yang points out, crossing her arms and scowling. "Next letter."

"Okay... oh! Aceman88 is back with a couple questions!"

"They're not about you, are they?" Yang asks sharply.

"No, actually, it's... it's about Blake!"

"No foolin'? Fire away."

"Okay! A-hem... he's got a few disclaimers before he gets to the actual question... but... 'doesn't her outfit kind of look like sexy lingerie? Seems kind of risque, but the bow is still cute.'"

"Oh, no, you're right," Yang smirks. "We tease her about that all the time. I guess I understand it, though- you should _see _the stuff she reads when she's not reading stuff for her reviews. She badmouthed Fifty Shades publically, but behind closed doors..."

"I... really don't need to hear this," Ruby cringes away. "Oh- he also commented on the CCT incident- the whole Batman thing, you know?"

"Oh, we know," Yang nods. "Believe me, we know. We've tried to bring it up with Weissy, but every time I try, she just turns pale and dashes in the opposite direction. That said, I'm guessing that she's planning on playing some Batman for today's episode- that was her plan in the first place, after all."

"And I'm sure she'd like to get right to it!" Ruby chirps. "Keep sending in your comments and suggestions, our beloved watchers! Whether we respond to them right away or not, we read them all!"

"And can you _really _say no to _this _face?" Yang asks smugly, brandishing at Ruby assuming her most pathetic puppy-dog face.

XXXX

_**WEISS'S GAMING EXPERIENCE**_

Weiss seems surprisingly jumpy as she turns to the camera. "Okay... so... I suppose you might... er... you may expect a Batman review after... after some things that were said last episode... but... I do not... er... I do not feel like playing any Batman games today, so instead, I have this game here- Okami. I hear _it's _a classic."

She pops it into the Gamestation and lets it begin.

"To my understanding, this game takes place in a world where all the myths and legends of Anima are true, and occurred around the same point in history," she relates as the game starts off. "You play as the goddess of the sun, Okami Amaterasu, who takes the form of..." She pauses, blinking as the game begins. "A... a wolf? Okay, who am I to question a goddess? You... you go around, trying to regain your old power by restoring the people's faith in you, and awakening the other gods, such as a dragon who serves as the god of restoration... a boar serving as the god of force, and a cat serving as the goddess of... walls." She blinks. "Walls? A cat is the god of walls?" She shakes her head. "I can't help but wonder what Blake would think of this game."

She runs around before happening on a group of cats. "Oh, speaking of- it turns out you can also earn animal's faith by feeding them. What do the cats- fish. They eat fish." A small smile crosses her face. "Okay, now I _definitely _want to see Blake's reaction to this game."

She continues playing for a while. "The combat... it takes some getting used to," she remarks. "It's not all button mashing- there's a sort of... _rhythm _to it. As a musical prodigy, I feel confident enough in my abilities. Fighting demons with... a mirror. And a rosary. Exactly... exactly what I'd expect a goddess to fight demons with. Especially one in the form of a wolf."

She shakes her head as she proceeds into a cave, whereupon a small dot begins bouncing on the wolf's back.

"Oh, I forgot to mention," Weiss comments, lowering her lids halfway. "Your companion in this game is a bouncing insect by the name of Issun." She scoffs. "He _insists _on calling himself a wandering artist, but I fail to see him as anything other than an annoying bug. He has yet to do anything for me in this game except..."

Her eyes widen as Issun produces a mask. "Oh, I see, I have to sneak into this base of demons by wearing a mask. And how kind, I'm allowed to design the mask myself. I can design it however I want? Really? In that case..."

She spends a second drawing before backing away with a smirk. "Surely, there's no way _this _will work."

The white wolf approaches the demon guards wearing a mask that very clearly reads, _Not a Wolf. _

... And passes through without a problem.

Weiss sighs. "Demon guards truly _are _incompetent."

She smiles slightly as she continues playing through the dungeon. "The gameplay is fast-paced, the puzzles are simple yet fun, and it is a delight to use all your divine powers as you obtain them," she comments. "I'm curious, though, as to what a wolf's arch-nemesis might-"

She screeches to a halt when she encounters a giant serpent with eight writhing necks, each the size of a tree trunk.

"...I wasn't planning on sleeping tonight anyways," she mutters. "Very well, Mr... _Orochi... _prepare to be tamed by the might of a Schnee!"

She dances around the beast, eyes widening further as she encounters each head individually. "Fire... water... lightning... wind... these are all different forms of dust!" she gasps. "This is the source of all dust- perhaps even the source of my father's power!"

Her eyes start burning. "As such, he must be destroyed! I will _not _let you rule my life any longer!"

She grins, taking perhaps too _much _joy in slicing off each neck one by one, before slicing the final head in half, clean down the middle. She continues cackling for a full five minutes after the concluding scene.

Finally, she coughs, regaining her composure. "Well, that was a fun, short game- wait, what?" She blinks as she realizes the game is still going. "Hm... that was only the beginning? But... I don't exactly have time to play much further..."

She shrugs. "The game _is _enjoyable, but sadly, I must finish another day. We'll have to see. Until then... I am _not _Batman!"

XXXX

Ruby sighs heavily as she leans back in her bed. "Well, I guess that's the end of _this _episode."

"The censors got back in contact with me," Yang notes as she steadies the camera. "They want us to start adding a moral in every episode."

"...Did _this _episode have a moral?" Ruby asks.

"I doubt it," Yang snorts. "All _I _learned is what happens when our producer goes off his meds."

"The start of this episode was pretty crazy," Ruby nods.

"Even by _this _show's standards," Yang agrees. "Speaking of... did he ever finish that speech?"

Ruby listlessly turns on the tv again.

"-Traveling from Michtam- still named Abraxas at the time- all the way to-"

A gunshot rings out, and the man simply stops in his tracks and falls to the ground. There is no screaming- just a resounding cry of "THANK YOU!"

Ruby turns off the tv. "Well, that's gonna put a delay on the next episode."

"Guess we should get started on it right away, huh?" Yang shrugs. "Well, in that case... that's all for this week!"

"Special thanks to our inspiration, the Red Green Show, our editor, GeorgeKYST, our set designer, Breenut, and our producer, Gamer4- may he rest in peace." Ruby adjusts her cloak into a position of mourning.

"Ah, idiots never die," Yang waves her aside. "Either way, though- until next time, don't wait too _Long, _we've got _Rose _more coming your way!"

She pauses, waiting for Ruby to groan.

Ruby continues staring at the ceiling. "No, seriously, what _happened _this episode?"


	7. The Nuckelevee Incident

Episode VII

The Nuckelevee Incident

"H-hey, everyone," Ruby smiles rather sheepishly. "It's... er... it's time for the Rose-Xiao Long Show, starring me, the... er... the mild-mannered Ruby, and, of course, the bestest, kindest, _most forgiving _big sister there ever was, Yang Xiao Long!"

The door opens, and Yang steps through, brow furrowed, grimace on her face. Wordlessly, she takes a seat on a nearby bed, crossing her arms as she glares in Ruby's direction.

"So, uh... should we start by... er... describing what's been going on since-"

"A nuckelevee."

Ruby cringes at Yang's words. "You know, about that-"

"You tried to get a _nuckelevee _into _Beacon _as a _guest star._"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time!" Ruby bursts, backing away and tapping her index fingers together. "How many shows can say they've had a _grimm _as a guest star?!"

"None," Yang acknowledges. "And I _think _there might be a _good reason _for that!"

"It... it didn't do _too _much damage!" Ruby meekly tries to defend herself.

"The courtyard's torn up, they're going to have to rebuild the cafeteria from scratch, we're all in detention for two weeks, and Ren is still talking in that weird accent!"

"That's not my fault!" Ruby pleads. "I mean... how was _I _supposed to know he'd had a bad experience with nuckelevees before?!"

"Where did you even _find _the *REDACTED* thing?!" Yang exclaims.

"I don't know, it was just in Forever Fall! How was I supposed to know it would go wild like that?!"

"BECAUSE IT'S A *EXPUNGED* GRIMM!" Yang shouts. "THAT'S KIND OF WHAT THEY *EXPUNGED* _DO!_"

Ruby whimpers as she pulls further away. Yang sighs, forcing herself back under control. "Really, you should be thankful I haven't told anyone else how that grimm actually got in."

"You... you haven't?"

"Believe me, if I had, Blake would have murdered you already."

"Wait, why?"

Yang crosses her arms. "Just take us to the next segment and find out."

"Yeah... next segment- yeah, that sounds good."

XXXX

_BLAKE'S FILM REVIEW_

The camera zooms in on a tall-backed chair, that turns to reveal Blake steepling her fingers over the lower half of her face. "Imagine, if you will, that three men have lived in a cave their entire lives. They are bound by chains and made to stare at the wall, perceiving the world only in the shadows cast upon it. Imagine, furthermore, that one day, one of these men breaks away and-"

"BOOOOOOOOORING!" comes Yang's voice from behind the camera.

Blake scowls. "I'm trying to set a mood, Yang."

"And you're boring everyone! Just get to the point!"

Blake sighs. "I'd much rather be reviewing a book right now, but that nuckelevee destroyed most of my library. If I could find the person who let it in..."

"Ididn'tdoit!" comes a shrill cry from the other side of the door.

"Was that Ruby?" Blake asks. "I thought she'd be getting the other segments ready right now."

"Don't worry about her," Yang waves aside. "Just go ahead with the review."

Blake sighs. "Okay. Well, because all my books were _destroyed..._" she takes a moment to steady herself, wiping away the venom with which she spoke that sentence. "We decided to just have me do the movie review this time. As I was trying to set up before I was so _rudely _interrupted, we'll be going over _The Truman Show. _This one is unusual for plenty of reasons- while there are certainly moments of levity, it's a far more serious film than is usual for its lead actor, Jim Carrey."

"Boooooriiiiiing..."

"Yang, shut _up! _He stars as the titular Truman Burbank, a rather average individual in all respects, but who is starting to notice some odd things in his life- the same people doing the same things at the same time of day, an odd light crashing into the ground seemingly from nowhere, despite standing on a beach at the time, and a general sense of... oddness."

"He's in the Matrix!"

Blake closes her eyes, taking a deep breath. "No, Yang, he is _not _in the Matrix. As it turns out, he is unwittingly the star of a reality TV show, the Truman Show, which has documented his life ever since he was born. Everyone he knows is merely an actor sent in to ensure his life remains worth broadcasting, and everything he knows is a product of the show's producer, Christof."

"So... it's the Matrix?"

"Yang!" Blake groans. "Okay, I'll address the elephant in the room- in many ways, one might consider the Truman Show to be a slightly different take on the concept of the Matrix, except it's a television show instead of a computer program. However, I doubt either film took any particular inspiration from the other- it seems more likely to me that both films took inspiration from the same types of things, such as the allegory of the cave I was _trying _to allude to at the start!" She throws a dirty glare at Yang before continuing. "Much like the man who freed himself from the cave, Truman and Neo both realize there is far more to their world than meets the eye, operated by powers they never thought existed- before, they had seen the world only in shadows. The key difference is that Neo then begins working to release everyone else in the cave, while Truman was the only one imprisoned to begin with- the film is entirely _his _fight for freedom. It's an interesting concept, also explored in films like Dark City-"

"Or the Lego Movie?"

"Yang, I swear to-" Blake pauses. "Actually... you might be onto something. There _is _something rather... gnostic about the Lego Movie... those are words I _never _thought I'd say..."

"Gnostic?"

"A line of thought similar to the allegory of the cave, but applying it to religion in particular," Blake explains. "All these movies could be said to be loosely inspired by the ideas behind Gnosticism, alongside video games like Chrono Trigger, Final Fantasy, the Xeno series-"

"Did somebody say Xeno?"

Both girls cringe as the door swings open, revealing Gamer4 on the other side, a manic grin in place.

"Oh, Dust, hurry and finish the review!" Yang squeaks.

"It'sagreatmovie,checkitout,gottago,bye!" Blake rushes before leading the charge through the window, Yang in hot pursuit.

XXXX

**THE O'MALLEY CHRONICLES**

Nora has an odd look on her face as Ren approaches her with a plate of some unidentifiable matter that may or may not have once been organic upon it. "Thought I'd fix a little supper, Miss," he says with an odd, heavy accent, offering the plate to her.

"Are... are you okay, Ren?" Nora asks. "You've been acting weird ever since the whole thing with the nuck-er... you know..."

"'Fraid I don't know, Miss," Ren shakes his head. "But how many times I gotta tell you? It's not Ren- I'm O'Malley, the Irish Huntsman. You sure you don't want a spot of supper?"

Nora eyes the plate with distaste. Ren sighs. "Very well, then."

"I don't get it," Nora sighs, lying back down on her bed. "So many weird things happening lately- that Cinder woman breaking into the CCT, a nucke- a grimm breaking into Beacon... what's it all about, Ren?"

"I don't presume to lecture about the meanin' of life, Ms. Valkyrie," Ren shakes his head. "But... a long time ago, I was in Menagerie on behalf o' the Vacuan government- they was tryin' to buy the loyalty of the faunus colony wit precious stones, but dey was bein' raided in Forever Fall by a bandit."

"But... Forever Fall isn't between Vacuo and Menagerie," Nora points out uncertainly.

"It was a really roundabout route," Ren waves aside. "Anyway, me n' Team SSSN was all sent in, lookin' for da bandit, and da stones. But in six weeks of searchin', we never met anyone who traded wit' 'em."

"Team SSSN was in on this, too?" Nora asks.

"The point is," Ren ignores her, "it was a few months later that I saw a child in western Anima, playing with a ruby the size of a tangerine."

"A tangerine?" Nora asks. "Ugh, I don't like being the straight man, Ren- I wish that nuckelevee never-"

"Nuck-nuck-nuck- _nuckelevee?!_" Ren's eyes widen to the breaking point. "I... I... I was in Burma, working for the Vacuan Tangerine... dey was tryin' to buy the loyalty of da thief with the faunus colony..."

"Ren?" Nora asks nervously. "Are you okay?"

"Den one day, I saw a tangerine playing wit a child the size of a tangerine!"

"Ren?"

"A child playing wit a tangerine the size of a tangerine!"

"Ren, you're scaring me!"

"Me n' Team SSSN was workin' for da Vacuan Government, tryin' ta buy da Faunus Colony a bandit tangerine!"

"Ren!" Nora calls out, smacking him across the face. He reels back, then coughs, fixing his clothes as he returns to his feet.

"'Pologies, Ms. Valkyrie- that was highly unbecoming o' me. As I was sayin, da point is, dere are people out dere not looking for anything rational, like money. You can't buy dem, bully dem, or reason wit dem. There are people out dere... that just want a tangerine."

Nora lets out a final scream as her face collapses into her pillow.

XXXX

**PRANKSTER'S HANGOUT WITH YANG**

"Hello, everyone, and welcome to Prankster's Hangout, where I show off the latest and greatest in pranks, tricks, and overall practical jokes," Yang greets the camera. "Well, after the whole incident with the nuckelevee, I had half a mind to prank Rubes this episode- on purpose, this time- but then I came to a realization.

"Y'see, it occurred to me that if that Cinder woman got away with whatever she'd been doing in the CCT tower, it may very well have been something that would have made Ruby sad. And despite my... _annoyance _with her at the moment, that's still something I can't allow to stand. She must be punished. So, let's get to it!"

She stands before a desk loaded with miscellanea. "For her punishment, we're going to need a record player I stol- er, _borrowed _from Dad's attic- it had a mountain of dust on it, he won't miss it, trust me- an old Jimmy Buffet record, a secret ingredient I snagged from a good friend in downtown Vale, and, of course, the ultimate weapon in any prankster's arsenal- duct tape!"

She first approaches the gramophone. "Now, first thing's first- we need to take apart this record player so we can insert our secret ingredient. Now, I'm not _too _familiar with the mechanics here, but how hard can it be? This thing predates Walkmen by at least five hundred years, and I fixed my own Walkman all the time back before I just started putting music on my scroll- how hard can it be?"

She produces a screwdriver and begins looking over. "Hmmm... let's see... if we started here... we could... nah..."

She looks up, tossing the screwdriver to the side. "Plan B- when all else fails, brute force it. HI-YAH!"

With a mighty punch, the base of the gramophone fragments. If one looks closely, they might almost see a single tear running down the side of the speaker.

"Okay..." Yang says slowly, gazing upon all she has wrought. "Well... we got it open. So now, all we need to do is... put it back together. Around the secret ingredient. Right. All according to plan."

The footage speeds up as Yang begins gathering the gramophone's fragments and piecing them together around the 'secret ingredient'- a round, black sphere with a single pair of white eyes painted on.

Once it's all together, Yang wipes her brow. "Okay, now, to make sure it still works!"

She goes through the process of setting a record up. It begins playing... just fine, actually.

"Huh," Yang tilts her head. "Whoda thought? Telling you- duct tape fixes all. Speaking of, it's time for me to make a mask."

She goes, once more, through the previous episode's process of making a mask out of a strip of duct tape before picking up the gramophone. "Okay... now, to deliver it!"

SSSS

Yang fights to keep herself under control as she approaches the cell where Cinder is being kept. "Hello?" she greets.

Cinder appears, looking far more haggard than she did when she first met Ruby. "What do you want?!" she snarls.

Yang looks at a piece of paper in her hand with a crudely-drawn crayon portrayal of a scythe on it- dating back to Ruby's Kindergarten days. "We have a delivery here for you from a Mr... Greek Candlestring?"

Cinder's eyes widen. "Go on..."

"He says the horn blows at midnight- if you wanna hear it, listen all the way to the end. Maybe that means something to you, I got nothing."

Cinder's eyes narrow. "Leave the record player."

"Well, ma'am, I need to-"

"Leave. The. Record player."

"If you say so."

Yang presents the player to Cinder before turning and walking away, smirking at the camera. "Gotta make her feel like _she's _the one in charge," she beams.

She pauses to position the camera, then leaves the building.

Cinder looks outside her cell, glancing up and down the hallway, before starting the record already on the player.

_Now they're making movies in old black and white _

_Happy endings, where nobody fights_

Cinder grimaces. "I hate songs like these," she growls. "But if Torchwick actually has an escape plan on here..."

Her frown only deepens as the song continues.

_That's why I wish I had a pencil-thin moustache_

_The Boston Blackie kind_

_A two toned Ricky Ricardo jacket _

_and an autographed picture of Andy Devine_

At this point, she was banging her head against the wall behind her. "Make it stop..."

_Oh, I could be anyone I wanted to be_

_A suave Errol Flynn or the Sheik of Araby_

_If I only had a pencil-thin moustache_

_Then I could solve some mysteries, too_

Cinder seems on the point of crying out for death when she spies Neo Politan approaching down the corridor. "Your boss has a sick sense of humor, you know?"

Neo raises her hands to her chest with an expression that screams, _Nooooo, him? I'm offended you would even suggest such a thing!_

"Why would he hide the escape plan at the back of a Jimmy Buffet record? He knows I hate that hack!"

Neo tilts her head in confusion. Cinder reacts with similar confusion. "Wait... if _he _didn't send this, then... who-"

She is interrupted by a sudden, intense beeping. "WHAT THE FU-"

*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"

Neo is thrown backwards, slowly pulling herself up from the ground to spy a Cinder Fall now pitch black and covered in soot, revealing only a pair of blinking, bewildered eyes.

SSSS

Yang cackles as she reviews the footage. "And THAT'S what happens when you tussle with _these _sisters!" she crows. "Results may be... explosive! Until next time, remember, ladies- if the guys don't find you pretty, they should at least find you punny!"

XXXX

_INTERVIEW WITH A ROSE_

"Hey, guys!" Ruby greets us as she walks through the halls of Beacon. "It's about time for me to interview someone, but... well, I don't want to talk to anyone who's mad at me, or anyone who'll figure it out... so..."

She halts when she spies Neo seemingly skipping along the hallway. "Oh, Neo! Mind if I interview your team for the show?"

Neo pauses, raising a hand to her chin in contemplation. Finally, she smiles- moreso smirks- then nods.

"Okay, you mind showing me to your room?"

Neo nods emphatically, before turning and taking the lead. As she walks, she takes out a scroll and types something into it before turning and offering it to Ruby.

Ruby takes it, going over what Neo's written. "Oh- I see. Are you sure?" Neo nods. "I mean, I thought they'd be pretty broken up about it."

Neo adjusts her face into one of thought, then shakes her head rapidly.

"Well, I'm sure you know better than me..."

Neo beams and pats Ruby on the head before turning and opening a nearby door.

"What is it, you worthless mid- ah!"

Emerald Sustrai gasps when she sees Ruby standing on the other side of the door.

"What's she doing here?" Mercury asks from his position on his bed, not sounding like he cares too much.

"I just wanted to... er..." Ruby pauses, remembering the advice Neo offered her. "I wanted to offer my condolences... about the whole situation with Cinder."

Emerald's face seems to suck into itself, as though she was just force-fed a particularly sour lemon. "I... I see."

"Yeah, I know you guys didn't really care for her much anyways, but-"

"Wait, what?!" Emerald gasps, eyes widening. Even Mercury looks up from the comic he's been reading.

"Yeah, I heard you guys didn't actually get along- something about having to put up with her after she was held back all those times, and she still doesn't get it... between that and how she treats you, they say you really didn't like her."

"Who said _that_?!" Emerald shrieks, as a smirk crosses Mercury's face- a smirk matched only by the expression on Neo's face as she nodded and egged Ruby on from her relatively safe position behind the others.

"Oh, you know... just... rumors," Ruby shrugs, chuckling nervously as she takes a few steps back. "They say she wasn't... er... that she was... er... how did they put it... an arrogant *REDACTED*hole... unliked even by her own team... they say you guys knew what she was up to all along, but couldn't say anything because she was lording over you..."

Emerald has returned to her sour-lemon expression. "Get out."

Ruby looks to Neo, who fights back her smirk and shrugs.

"But I-"

"I said _OUT_!" Emerald yells, slamming the door in Ruby's face, still oblivious to Neo nearly falling over in wild, silent laughter.

On the other side, Ruby's lip curls out in a pout. "But... what did I do? I only did what Neo said to..."

Somewhat dejected, she turns and begins the march back to her dorm.

XXXX

Ruby is looking somewhat dejected when Yang reenters the room. "Is... is Ren okay?"

"He's still calling himself O'Malley, if that's what you're asking."

Ruby looks down, pressing her index fingers together. "I really messed up, didn't I?"

"Do I need to say it again?" Yang crosses her arms. "You brought. A nuckelevee. Into the school."

"What happened to forgive and forget?"

"It was destroyed along with the trophy room, the gym, half the classrooms..."

"I get it, I get it, I get it!" Ruby quickly cuts her off, flapping her arms. "...Does Weiss know?"

"I'll answer that question with a question," Yang responds, lowering her eyelids halfway. "Are you still alive?"

"...She doesn't."

"Now you're catching on."

Ruby sinks further into her bed. "She'd hate me if she found out..."

"Even more so if she knew about the Censors."

"The Censors?" Ruby asks, immediately sitting bolt upright. "They... they're still after us?!"

"What, you think just because they lost one excuse, they're gonna give up on taking us down?" Yang scoffs. "They're the most evil people in the world."

...And somewhere in the world, a woman with chalk white skin marred with black cracks sneezes.

"I think I can shut them down on my own this time," Yang assures her sister, "but you can't keep pulling stunts like this in the name of the show- these sick *EXPUNGED* will take any excuse they can to shut us down."

"Okay, I get it," Ruby nods forlornly. "Never again, right?"

"Just... from now on, run any guests by me first, okay?" Yang suggests.

"Right," Ruby nods. "Well, the show must go on..."

XXXX

_SISTERLY ADVICE WITH RUBY_

"Hello, everyone, and welcome to my advice corner," Ruby says, still not looking as happy as we've seen her in the past. "Before we get to the main segment, here's a free piece of advice- don't invite grimm into your school, no matter how cool it would be. Especially nuckelevees. That one's on the house."

She clears her throat. "Today, we have a request from a... _confidential _source that definitely isn't the champion of Mistral! But she- er, they, it could be anyone- want to know how to get a teammate to notice her. Let me begin by saying... don't drive them insane to the point that they forget their own nationality. That's a bad way to start.

"Unfortunately, I can't say too much personally on this subject- I haven't really had a boyfriend myself. Anytime anyone tries to confess to me, they suddenly transfer schools not too long afterward."

"Yeah... _transfer_..." comes Yang's voice from behind the camera.

"So, the only advice I can really offer comes from watching Yang and _her _boyfriend."

Yang's voice comes out again- coughing and spluttering wildly. "_RUBY! _Ix-nay on the oyfriend-bay!"

"Huh?" Ruby asks, question marks appearing in her eyes. "Yang, I don't speak Mistralian."

Yang groans.

Ruby shrugs. "Now, the way Yang got _her _boyfriend to notice her was to put herself in danger so that he could bail her out. Of course, she could have done it herself, but her boyfriend's a bit on the timid side, so it was cool to give him a chance to play the hero. He pulled through- he faced his fears and bailed her out- it was amazing."

"Ruby, we're ending this segment."

"But there's so much more I can-"

"Remember, everyone!" Yang calls out quickly. "She's standing with you- you're all in this together!"

XXXX

**ADVENTURE TIME WITH PYRRHA AND JAUNE**

Hello, again! Pyrrha here, and I suppose it's time for me to relate what's been happening since we got back to Beacon.

It was a shame that we didn't manage to get to the dance- I was really hoping Jaune might... well, that's not really important anymore. I have a feeling that something truly magical might have happened if we weren't off dying of thirst in the middle of the desert.

At any rate, once we finally caught up on everything that happened in our absence, I quietly submitted a question with Ruby and Yang, asking them how to... do something. Some... general life advice, I guess you could say. Upon receiving their answer, I decided that what I needed to do was get myself caught in a haunted mansion, then call out to Jaune to rescue me.

It didn't take me long to find a suitably spooky house- an old mansion on a hill just outside of town. I'd arranged for Jaune to arrive a little later, whereupon I would play the damsel in distress, using my semblance to fake some hauntings that he could save me from.

...Needless to say, it came to my surprise when real ghosts appeared and trapped me inside a painting.

Perhaps Jaune will elaborate on what happened further next episode- I don't know much about the succeeding events, seeing as I was trapped in a painting the whole time. Trapped while missing one of my gloves, one of my boots, my tiara, the letter I wrote to bring Jaune in, and without even my weapons. Not that they were much good against the undead in any case...

It was a few hours later that Jaune appeared- a true knight in shining armor. The ghost that captured me attacked him, taking on the guise of a giant grimm, but Jaune reached into the pockets of his jeans and produced a large vacuum-like object that he strapped to his back. The battle raged for another hour before Jaune finally overcame, sealing the ghost away in the vacuum.

He took my picture out of the mansion and to an... _eccentric _older gentleman living on the mansion's outskirts, who used a strange device to return me to my former state of being. It was a rather... _painful _process, but the tears of joy Jaune shed upon seeing me safe and sound made it all worth it.

The old man gave us some presents before sending us back to Beacon- he allowed Jaune to keep the vacuum, while giving me a pair of goggles that, according to him, 'pierce the illusions of the world to reveal the one and only truth.' ...He talked like that a lot.

We returned to Beacon, where it was a struggle not to admit to Jaune that the whole thing had been entirely my fault. At last, I gave in and revealed the truth, but... wonderful man that he is, he forgave me, saying that in the end, the most trouble had been caused by the ghosts, and no other. I played up my own fear over the event, and begged to sleep with him that night- strictly for comfort, you understand.

He agreed.

And I slept better that night than I ever had before.

XXXX

THE LONG MAIL BAG

"Mail time!" Ruby cheers, taking a seat with a large sack on her lap.

"That's a pretty big bag for just three letters," Yang comments, sitting across from her.

"It's all about _style, _Yang!" Ruby explains, as though it's ludicrously obvious.

"Style... right," Yang replies doubtfully.

"Anyways, first letter!" Ruby cheers. "Hmmm... MahinaFable has a suggestion for a new segment!"

"What kind of segment?" Yang asks. "Celebrity cameos?"

"No," Ruby shakes her head. "A baking segment, headed by me!"

Yang pales. "No."

"No?" Ruby asks, sounding somewhat taken aback.

"Ruby, _you _may have blocked out the shoehorn incident from your head, but I haven't," Yang crosses her arms. "Now, I'm not going to blame the _whole _incident on your cooking, but it would have been at least a _little _less traumatic."

"Harsh," Ruby mutters, looking away and almost instinctively tapping her index fingers together. "Next... next letter, I guess. Agalvantula found a letter addressed to us- _Hello, we are about to launch an all-out attack on your houze. Sincerely, the Zombies._"

Yang sighs. "I'll call Dad right after we finish this recording. You left all the plants at the ready, right?"

"Of course," Ruby sighs. "This is what we get for building our house on an old pirate burial ground."

"Yeah, what did we expect?" Yang rolls her eyes. "Still, I'm sure he can take care of it just fine. Those plants have never failed us before."

"True, dat," Ruby smiles. "Okay, final letter- from Spidershadow5!"

"The guy who threatened my duct tape?" Yang asks, immediately flaring up.

"Yeah, but I think he's backed off now!" Ruby says quickly. "Actually, he wants to know what you'd do if Thanos snapped your duct tape out of existence- then destroyed the infinity stones before you could get them back."

Yang lowers her head, glaring at the camera with all her might. "First, I would track him down- there is nowhere in the universe that he would be able to hide from me. I would punch him so hard that his head flies off, soaring through space until it falls into a black hole, killing him and inventing space golf in one stroke. Then, I would punch a hole through time- both for the purposes of getting the stones back, then killing that ball-chinned *EXPUNGED*_again. _And again. And _again- _I would lock him into an endless loop of pain and misery!"

"Even harsher," Ruby comments.

"I really hate that guy," Yang crosses her arms as she leans back.

"Well, he _did _do that one thing you liked..."

"He did, but we're not talking about that," Yang waves her aside. "The Censors would have a _field day _with that."

"I'm gonna say it anyway," Ruby smiles.

"I'm gonna bleep it out," Yang warns.

Ruby takes a deep breath, then rushes out- "She likes it when he *REDCTED* the *EXPUNGED* to *REDACTED* *EXPUNGED* in the *REDACTED*, *REDACTED* *EXPUNGED* into the *REDACTED*!"

Yang smiles. "I can only _imagine _what our followers will think of that."

Ruby pouts. "Well... I guess we'll find out, won't we?"

XXXX

_**WEISS'S GAMING EXPERIENCE**_

Weiss sighs as she takes a seat in front of her gamestation. "I suppose, if there's _any _upside to this nuckelevee business, it's that people are finally forgetting about Batman... but I don't think I'm _quite _safe enough to play that one yet... so this week, I'll be playing Prototype instead! It's been on my queue for a while, and I hear that it's loosely inspired by a particular Batman comic arc, so I figure this will be close enough for now. Aside from that, I know... literally nothing about this one, so let's get started."

She commences the game, watching as a group of soldiers walk right past a car being corrupted by what seems to be liquified grimm. "Area secure," one of them says.

Eyes widening at the hellscape surrounding them, Weiss scoffs. "Secure? _That's _their idea of secure?! What kind of world do they live in when _this _kind of devastation is considered _secure?!_"

She falters as one of the soldiers seemingly goes rogue, gunning down the others. When his bullets run out, he is surrounded by darkness that eventually clears to reveal a completely different person dressed in a hoodie, who's arms transform into large, blade-like appendages with which he tears the remaining soldiers apart.

The only thing that could match her surprise after this is when she is given _control _of this monster.

"What... what kind of game is this?" she wonders. "A... a shapeshifter, caught on an island consumed by darkness and plague... a hero only because everyone else around him is even _worse..._ and... and he transforms by... by..."

Her eyes nearly pop out of her skull as her character grabs someone else and seems to absorb them into himself, before transforming into them.

"They... they did it!" she screams. "Kirby... oh, Dust, oh Dust, I remember! I remember everything! Kirby- he arrived in this world! And the scientists must have created the plague- all these mutants- even my character- they're all products of experiments on transferring Kirby's abilities to normal humans! But they can't fight him- even this character can't fight him- he will absorb all! He'll always absorb all!"

Her sanity seems to break even further as another soldier is consumed. "You... you monsters! You _maniacs! YOU RUINED IT! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING! *REDACTED* YOU! *REDACTED* YOU ALL TO HELL!"_

XXXX

Yang and Ruby cringe as they watch the remainder of the footage of Weiss. "Time to break out Plan FierySprites?" Ruby asks.

"Definitely," Yang nods. "By the way... why didn't you bleep out 'Hell?'"

"It doesn't count as a curse word if we're talking about a place, right?" Ruby points out. "So, blocking it out would be spitting in the face of people who believe that, right?"

Yang breaks into a grin. "We'll make a proper Censorship-dodger out of you yet," she smiles, affectionately ruffling her sister's hair.

"You're not mad at me anymore?" Ruby asks, sounding hopeful.

Yang sighs. "Look... as stupid as it was, I know you only had the show and its best interests in mind. You didn't mean to see anyone get hurt, and... I'm sure we'll get Ren the help he needs soon enough. As long as you promise to _never _do anything like that again, and run any decisions like that past me from now on... I can let it go."

"I promise," Ruby smiles.

"Good," Yang nods, before bending down and pulling her into a hug.

...before whispering in her ear, "And now I have some leverage on you- you don't want Blake, Weiss or _Goodwitch _finding out, do you?"

Ruby's eyes widen as they break up. She chuckles nervously. "Heheh... so, on that note... um... thanks to Gamer4, our producer, GeorgeKYST, our editor, Breenut, our set designer, and the Red Green Show, our inspiration..."

Yang's smirk remains unbroken as she delivers her lines. "Remember- don't wait too _Long, _there's _Rose _more coming your way. Care to object, _Ruby_?"

Ruby chuckles nervously again. "Nope... nope, you can say whatever you want, sis!"


	8. Season of the (Good) Witch

Episode VIII

Season of the (Good)Witch

"Finally... _finally, _it's time for the Rose-Xiao Long Show!" Ruby cheers very happily from the center of a heavily-decorated dorm, everything much darker, jack-o-lanterns abound. "We're so sorry about the wait, but to _explain _what's been happening since last time, I give you your hero, my sister, Yang Xiao Looooong!"

The door opens and Yang enters, waving happily at the camera- dressed in a catgirl outfit. "Thank you, Ruby, thank you very much. By the way, weren't _you _gonna dress up, too?"

"I'm still waiting for my cloak to get back from the cleaners," Ruby shrugs.

Yang stares at her sister for a moment- she is, in fact, wearing her cloak at this moment. "But..."

"My _other _cloak!" Ruby rolls her eyes, as if it should be obvious.

"...Whatever," Yang shakes her head. "Anyways, yes, we know, it's been a while. It's been... a tad rocky for the past few months. Goodwitch finally found out how that nuckelavee got in, and... didn't take it well."

"At least she never told anyone else," Ruby shudders.

"True dat," Yang nods. "She _did _take our camera, though- something about us clearly not being mature enough to use it. Thankfully, Ozpin finally convinced her to give it back to us just in time for Halloween!"

"And my birthday!" Ruby whoops, doing a flip in the air.

"Her favorite time of year, if you couldn't tell," Yang's eyes sparkle indulgently. "Ah, when the air starts getting crisp, and we start making ourselves some pumpkin pie..."

"Yang makes the best!" Ruby crows. "_And _Beacon is throwing a party! Oh, I am _so _there!"

"Everybody is," Yang nods gleefully. "Now, we're sorry for the people who've been leaving us all their suggestions, but as this _is _a Halloween episode, we'll put the suggestions on the back-burner- just for today- and go over some... _spoopier _content. We've got a Halloween movie lined up for you, a truly terrifying book, Jaune and Pyrrha are putting together a creepy excursion, and we even got a nice horror game for the Ice Queen to play! So... don't wait too _Long, _there's _Rose _more coming your way!"

"Yang, it's too early!" Ruby chastises.

"Yeah, I know, it's just been so long, I wanted to get back into the swing of things."

XXXX

_BLAKE'S BOOK REVIEW_

Blake enters a dark, candlelit room, and places a remarkably thick book on the table in front of her. "So, you would like to hear a story, would you?" she whispers throatily. "You have come to hear the tales of one such as me? Very well. Let us begin..."

She opens the book to partway through, and begins reading. "Somewhere high over New York State on the afternoon of May 29th, 1985, Beverly Rogan begins... to laugh... again..."

She snaps the book shut and looks up at the camera furiously. "_Yang, were you messing with my books again?!"_

"Noooo," comes Yang's teasing voice.

"_I told you I'm not reviewing It!_"

"But why?"

"_Because we already DID that!"_

"_I _don't remember doing that."

Blake sighs, tossing the book carelessly behind her. "Give me my book back, or we're postponing this chapter even longer."

"...Low blow, Blakey."

SSSS

"Okay, once more with feeling," Blake sighs, producing another hefty tome and opening it up. "Today, I'll be going over H. P. Lovecraft's _The Color Out of Space. _Despite not necessarily being tied to his most famous works in the Cthulhu Mythos- not directly, at least- it is still a fine example of cosmic horror, and one story that I genuinely continue to feel chills whenever I read.

"The story follows a land surveyor charged with observing an area known as the Blasted Heath, where a dam is set to be constructed. He finds there a land where everything is grey, brittle, and _dead. _Even bacteria is incapable of surviving on the Heath. His search for answers behind this phenomenon leads him to the harrowing story of the Color- long ago, the Heath was farmland, owned by the aptly-named Gardners. One day, a meteorite crashed down, and was immediately examined by experts, who found nothing unusual with it except for strange globules of... color. Color that doesn't seem to correlate to anything on the spectrum as we know it. Before they can examine it further, the globules and meteorites both break down, leaving them to mostly forget the incident until the next harvest."

"Oh, yeah, a meteorite crashed down on our land, nothing to see here, move along," Yang belts out.

Blake glares.

"A series of odd events occur after this, but I have no intention of going into great detail- this story is in the public domain, after all, you should be able to find it just about anywhere. It _has _been adapted a few times- there was an _awful _movie called _Die Monster Die _that raped this story to hell and back, for instance. The movie Creepshow also has a segment that seems heavily inspired by this story, though it takes things in a somewhat more comedic direction. If you were to ask _me _for the _best _version, though, I'd point to a movie shot in Atlas titled _Die Farbe- _literally, _The Color. _Mostly in black and white, _except _for the color, I'm of the belief this is the most faithful to the original text."

"So, did they ever build the dam?" Yang wonders.

"Hard telling," Blake smirks. "Are you thirsty, Yang?"

XXXX

**TALES OF VALKYRIA (REVIEW EDITION)**

"ALRIGHT, PEOPLE!" Nora whoops as she dances around her dorm dressed up as Thor Odinson. "Since it's been so long since last time, and since this is our first segment since... er... the _incident..._"

"Indeed," Ren nods, adjusting the tie on his Slender Man costume, his face as inscrutable as ever behind its blank mask.

"We decided to lean back and relax with a nice, spooky movie! Since it's Halloween, we had a few to choose from- Charlie Brown, Nightmare Before Christmas, Legend of the Headless Horseman-"

Nora sreeches to a halt, a look of horror on her face. "Oh, crap..."

"Horseman?" Ren repeats, suddenly standing very stiffly. "I... I- I- I- iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii"

*_One Hour Later*_

"Okay, sorry about that, people!" Nora smiles sheepishly as she and Ren return to the room, Ren back under control. "I forgot that there are certain things I should be avoiding... anyways, the movie we have picked for today is... drumroll please..."

Ren sighs and begins rapidly beating the drum Nora laid in front of him. Honestly, he doesn't particularly want to know where she got it.

"Trick R Treat!" Nora beams. "Four Halloween stories in one! How can you go wrong?!"

"It _is _a fascinating bit of film," Ren nods. "Let's put it on."

Nora grins eagerly as the first scene shows a group of girls changing into their costumes. "Hmm... Red Riding Hood? Snow White? Belle? Goldilocks? What kind of fairy tales are these?"

"They _are _rather uncommon," Ren notes. "Perhaps they thought stories like the Woman in the Tower or the Maidens of the Seasons were too overplayed."

"Oh, Red Riding Hood reminds me of Ruby!" Nora beams. "Every time I see her in the hallways, I just want to pinch those little cheeks of-"

"Remember your contract, Nora," Ren interjects.

Nora sighs. "All rights to hugging, glomping, or face-pinching of Ruby Rose is held exclusively by Yang Xiao Long..." she mutters.

"Exactly," Ren nods. "Shall we focus on the movie?"

Nora turns back to the screen, then beams again upon seeing a small, child-like figure in a crude burlap mask. "_Oh, he's so cute, too! Rennie, can we adopt him? Can we, Rennie?_"

"If my memory of this movie is correct, he's hardly adoptable," Ren comments. "You may as well try to adopt a hurricane, or a thunderstorm."

"I've already adopted a few thunderstorms, Ren!"

"Yes... yes, I know, Nora."

"Anyways, I guess we should describe what we're seeing, right? Okay, we've got some girls dressed up like fairy tale characters talking about trying to get their first time- that's odd, Ren, it looks like they'd have been trick-or-treating a few times by now."

"...I don't think that's what they mean, Nora."

"Huh?"

"Won't you tell them about the child?"

"Oh, yeah, there's also a kid wandering around dressed like... I don't know, a scarecrow or something? He really doesn't like seeing those kids pick on the younger kid."

"I hate to say it, but I do not believe the bullying is his point of contention."

"Then what is?"

"He doesn't appreciate them kicking jack-o-lanterns into the lake. Remember the rules from the beginning? Jack-o-lanterns are not to go out prior to midnight."

"Oh, yeah- that girl in the robot costume really shouldn't have done that."

"You shouldn't have done that..." came a whisper behind them.

"You say something, Renny?"

"I have been quite silent, Nora," Ren shakes his head. "However... hmm... I do not believe murdering one's students is proper teaching etiquette."

"Yeah," Nora wrinkles her nose. "Maybe this is a flash forward to what'll happen if we keep pushing Goodwitch- maybe we should be nicer to her."

"I don't believe Goodwitch would ever murder a student," Ren interjects. "If anything, she'd be more like that miser there."

"You mean Halloween Scrooge?" Nora asked. "Yeah, I could see that. What sorta jerk doesn't hand out candy on Halloween?"

"The sort that attracts the child, apparently," Ren answers as the child appears and begins attacking the aforementioned miser.

"Yeah!" Nora whoops. "Kick his butt, Sammy! Show him what Halloween is all about!"

"Sammy?" Ren wonders aloud.

"He looks like a Sam," Nora shrugs, just in time for the miser to rip 'Sam's' mask off, revealing a grotesque face resembling a pumpkin and fetus at the same time. "Whoah, hoho! Who knew Sammy was hiding such an _awesome _face?!"

"I presume you still wish to adopt him?" Ren sighs in resignation.

"Of _course! _We'll bring justice to anyone who besmirches the good name of this wonderful holiday!"

"Hmm..." Ren folds his fingers as Sam attacks the miser with a lollipop sharpened into a blade, only to be halted by a candy bar of sorts. "Well, he seems to consider taking that bar fair restitution."

Nora snorts. "Here, Sam, have a snickers. You're not you when you're hungry."

Ren twitches the corner of his lips as the fairy tale girls appear again- violently transforming into werewolves. "Oh, my. Perhaps I was mistaken as to what 'first time' meant."

"Her first _victim?_" Nora gasps. "Oh my gosh! Werewolves are so _cool!_"

"Nevertheless, I am glad that you aren't one," Ren notes with a shudder.

As the credits finally roll, Nora turns back towards the camera. "So... we should give our thoughts?"

"Yes... if I were to sum up this movie... it is very Halloween. I believe it may be the most Halloween movie I have ever seen."

"I swear there was a jack-o-lantern in every shot!" Nora chirped.

Ren coughs, and continues. "It is an anthology film, following five different stories taking place over the same night, in anachronic order- the first scene actually takes place at the night's _end, _for instance. There is a hunting pack of werewolves, a serial killer teacher, a trick-or-treating couple, children being terrorized by ghosts, and a very Scrooge-like character getting attacked by the child in the mask- perhaps a guardian of Halloween and its various traditions."

"This movie kicks butt!" Nora cheers.

"I suppose so," Ren smiles lightly. "Not the most horrifying film I have ever seen, but if you are looking for a quality film that truly represents the spirit of the holiday, with all its fear and mischief... I can hardly think of one better."

"Welp, it's settled!" Nora grins. "We gotta go set up some pranks for Team CRDL!"

"I don't see why not," Ren smiles, rising to his feet. "After all, it _is _Halloween. Everyone is entitled to one good scare."

XXXX

**PRANKSTER'S HANGOUT WITH YANG**

"Hello, people, and welcome back to Prankster's Hangout, where your good friend Yang Xiao Long showcases the latest and greatest in pranks and tricks!" Yang beams, clearly glad to be back at her workshop- still flaunting her catgirl outfit. "Now, it's kinda unusual, but I'm actually gonna open one of our letters a little early today, because it directly called me out!"

She produces the letter from her cleavage and reads it out. "From Urquineath- 'Prank Glynda. I dare you.' Well, it sounds like _someone _thinks they've got me cornered, huh? You question _me? _You _dare _to question ME, QUEEN OF THE PRANKSTERS?! Oh, I'll prank Goodwitch, alright- and just to show how awesome I am, I'll trick that ice cream girl from Haven into talking while I'm at it! Yeah, SpiderShadow, did you think I missed _you?_ You all think you've got the better of _me? _HA!"

She takes a deep breath, and steadies herself. "Alright, we're going to launch this plan tonight, but it won't come into fruition until the Halloween party. For this, we're going to need a few things- first, a set of headphones. Second, some of Ren's sleeping pills- they're strong enough to knock out an elephant. Last, but not least, we have the ultimate weapon in any prankster's arsenal- duct tape."

She lays the items on the counter one by one, giving the duct tape a loving caress. "Alright, step one, sneak down the hall to Ice Cream Girl's room."

She steps out into a dark hallway and slinks along, grinning widely. The only other person she passes is Blake, on her way to look for a Halloween costume of her own. She does a double take when she sees Yang's catgirl outfit, but sighs, shakes her head, and moves along.

Yang arrives at her chosen dorm and opens the door as quietly as she can, before tiptoeing to the bed of a shorter-than-usual teammate. She takes out the headphones and sneaks them onto the student's ears, before pressing a button, chuckling. The sound of a drumbeat fills the student's ears, not quite loud enough to awaken them, but definitely audible. Yang gives it a moment before removing the headphones again and whispering a few words into the student's ear before backing away, smirking.

"Okay," she whispers. "I hate to say it, but we're gonna have to split this one up, too. I'll get back to you later with the rest of the prank- just after a few words from our sponsors. Don't you dare touch that dial!"

XXXX

_INTERVIEW WITH A ROSE_

Ruby hums as she wanders down the corridor, her usual red cloak traded out for a black one, hood up and a veil over her head, perfectly concealing her face.

She turns around the corner, whereupon she bumps into Jaune, who promptly screams like a girl. "Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Death, sir, I didn't mean it, please don't curse me!"

Ruby blinks, but ultimately decides to play it up. Deepening her voice as much as possible (not that much, in other words,) she demands, "And who are you, that would ask anything of me?"

"Nobody!" Jaune squeaked. "Just a mere mortal!"

"Well... it is not your time yet, mortal- but if you would calm my wrath, thou shalt bring me as many cookies as you can!"

"Yes, of course, Mr... Death... sir..." Jaune slows down before turning red. "That's you, isn't it, Ruby?"

Ruby laughs cheerfully as she pulls the hood back and removes the veil. "Of course, Jaune, I was just finishing off my costume!"

"Oh, right... of course." Jaune gets back to his feet and looks away in embarrassment. "I... I knew the whole time."

"Of course," Ruby smiles teasingly. A light bulb appears over her head. "Oh! Hey, since I've got you here anyways, mind if I interview you- for the show, you know?"

"Oh, right- the show's starting up again," Jaune nodded. "Er... anything you want to ask me?"

"Hmm..." Ruby taps her chin with her finger. "Um... have you... er... have you seen the new Joker movie?"

Jaune breaks into a mischievous smirk. "Forgive me for answering a question with a question, Ruby, but... what do you get when you cross a disaffected loner with a society that treats him like garbage?"

Ruby smiles, too. "Exactly what you deserve."

Jaune laughs. "Yup. In fact, I was hoping to go to the Halloween party in a Joker costume, but when I tried to get a costume from the store, they kicked me out- something about me using it to launch an assault on Beacon. They were... a little rude about it."

Ruby blinks- if Jaune is admitting to it being rude, she can only imagine how aggressive they'd actually been. "Harsh."

"Yeah... strange thing, though, not long after I left, the store collapsed- all the metal got pulled out somehow. Pyrrha was on the scene, but even she didn't really know what happened."

A bead of sweat formed on Ruby's forehead. "Of... of course she didn't," she forces a smile. Her smile becomes real as she smacks a fist down into the palm of her other hand. "But hey! I think I might have an answer to your problem! There's a city on the other side of Mountain Glenn that I bet would sell you a costume! I've seen all sorts of cool outfits coming from there!"

"Oh, sweet!" Jaune brightens perceptibly. "Maybe we could even work that into our adventure segment! What's the name?"

Ruby reflects for a moment, before her eyes start shining in recollection. "Oh, right- it's called Yharnam!"

XXXX

Ruby lightly kicks her legs as she waits for Yang back in their room. When Yang finally enters, she smiles upon seeing her sister's costume. "Same black cloak as ever, eh, Rubes?"

"Can't beat the classics!" Ruby beams. "So, how're things going with the Halloween party?"

"Better than the dance." Yang shudders to even recall that period of time. "I mean, I'm not setting it up, this time around."

"I bet they'd be cool with the fog machines," Ruby points out.

"It's a Halloween party- of _course _they're gonna have fog machines!" Yang nods in agreement.

Ruby's smile starts to fade as she takes in Yang's costume a tad more closely. "Um... Yang? Aren't we already in enough hot water with the censors as is?"

"Oh, this?" Yang asks, glancing at her rather revealing catgirl costume. "Oh, yeah, it'll drive them nuts, but it's not _technically _against the rules- all the better to drive them up the wall." She smirks widely.

Ruby tilts her head slightly. "Did... didn't Blake have anything to say about it?"

"Nah," Yang waves her concern aside. "I think she's too used to me by now to get caught up over little things like this."

"Well, if she's cool with it, I guess it's okay," Ruby shrugs. "So... off to the next segment?"

"Sounds good to me! Now that we're back in business, I'm _feline _much better!"

Ruby's face goes blank.

XXXX

_RUBY'S SISTERLY ADVICE_

Ruby's face remains blank as she takes her seat behind her usual desk. "H-hello, and welcome to my advice corner, your... uh... your go-to place for... for tips and tricks with dealing with life." She shakes her head violently, trying to restore vitality to herself. "Er... I know it's been a while, so this question might not be important anymore, but I thought it fit the Halloween theme pretty well, so we'll be going over Guest's letter- How does one fix a vampiric sleep schedule?"

She leans back and crosses her arms in thought. "Well, the only way I could think of to fix a vampire's sleep schedule would be to cure their vampirism- and I can't really think of any way to do that. I remember there was an old movie where a doctor tried to fix a vampire with a blood transfusion, but then that got sabotaged, so we didn't really see if it would have worked or not.

"I guess it also depends on the _type _of vampire you are- if you die in the sun, there's _really _nothing you can do- you really have no choice _but _to sleep during the day. But if you're a classic vampire that just loses their powers during the day, it doesn't hurt to try and reverse your schedule a bit. I don't know, use sleeping medicine to get to bed at a more... normal time, or something. Then again, vampires are dead, so would medicine even work on them? Huh. Didn't think that one through too well."

Her eyes suddenly widen. "Wait, what am I _doing?! _I'm giving advice to a vampire! A freaking _vampire!_" Her eyes begin sparkling with excitement. "This is so _cool! _I never thought I'd meet a real vampire! Oh, are you a classy one like Dracula, or a lame one like in Twilight?! If you're a classy one, can I have your autograph?"

A cough sounds off behind the camera, and Ruby blinks, before curling up on herself sheepishly. "Oh... heh heh... right... _I'm _supposed to be answering the questions. Erm... well, I guess I'd say, stick to the medicine or some sort of therapy- I know Yang's boyfriend is pretty good at getting her to sleep when she's having trouble, so maybe she could-"

"Wrapping this up, Ruby," Yang suddenly interrupts.

"But I was just-"

"SIGN OFF!"

"Okay, okay!" Ruby raises her hands in surrender. "Well, that's my advice. Until next time, everyone, remember: I'm standing with you! We're all in this together!"

XXXX

**ADVENTURE TIME WITH JAUNE AND PYRRHA**

Hey, guys, Jaune here, ready to report another journey after all this time.

So, as you probably guessed, this time around, Pyrrha and I went up to the city of Yharnam, on the other side of Mountain Glenn. Nobody was selling me my Joker costume, and Ruby thought the people up there might be a little nicer about the whole situation, and of course, Pyrrha had to go with me.

Things started off well enough- nobody really bothered us on the way in. We found a weird old guy with bandages over his eyes who promised he could grant any wish for the proper price. Pyrrha was skeptical- I'd be, too- but I had to at least ask. He seemed surprised that I just wanted a Joker costume, but agreed to set me up with one- if he could also get me to join a hunt of some sort. Well, Pyrrha and I are hunters already- I mean, in training, but you get what I mean- so we agreed.

The next thing I knew, we were waking up in a clinic in the middle of the town in the dead of night. There was some sort of creature outside- kinda looked like a beowulf, but it didn't match exactly. Pyrrha killed it right away- she was using the same battle cry she used in that haunted mansion, way back when.

So, we got going, trying to find a way out of the city. We met a nice old lady who introduced herself as... Qrow, I think, though I always thought that Ruby's Uncle Qrow was... a man. I mean, I know what year it is, and all, but she always gave that impression. She seemed amused when she heard what we were actually in the city for, and pointed us towards a place she thought we might be able to get some facepaint and hairspray. To be fair, that's all I really needed- I already had the rest of the costume.

We trudged all around that place, and ended up killing an entire forest full of snakes before we finally realized that the only way to get to the place Qrow was talking about was an invitation from the clinic we'd started in. Pyrrha wasn't too happy about that- she kept muttering something about 'snakes- why did it have to be snakes.' I wonder if something happened...

Luckily, there was a shortcut back to the clinic in the forest- we just had to go through a few caves loaded with poisonous water, but thankfully, I had the inflatable raft I keep in my pockets, right next to my holocaust cloak. We sailed across, fighting off some giant monsters in robes before we finally climbed a ladder back to where our journey started.

We found another doctor in the clinic- she called herself Iosefka, I'm wanting to say? She got pretty... uncomfortably close to me when Pyrrha suddenly hit her with her spear. Wow... that had to hurt. Pyrrha insisted she'd realized this woman was experimenting on innocent people, which we _did _find proof of, but funny enough, I don't think we _found _it until afterwards...

Anyways, we found the invitation and fought our way through a flock of murderous villagers on the precipice of becoming werewolves until we found a guidepost where a horseless carriage arrived and beckoned us in. It carried us to the front gates of a big castle covered in ice- we got off to find the bridge had collapsed behind us without us noticing.

... I _think _it was about that time that we started questioning what had been in our morning breakfast.

Pyrrha was freaking out the whole way up. It was about that time she started rambling about the spider creatures she'd seen everywhere back in the main city. I hadn't seen anything, but then again, she _has _been wearing those goggles she got from the mad scientist last episode pretty much non-stop since, so maybe she can just see things I can't.

The castle was full of ghosts- of course. Pyrrha kept lashing out, and her spear kept going through them, but she's not the only one who got a present from Old Man Gadd- he let me keep the Poltergust 9000, too, so I was able to vacuum them all up without any real issue. _Way _easier than the werewolves.

Finally, there was this old man sitting in a chair on the rooftop who started throwing giant red skulls at us. We managed to dodge before- well, he was kinda old... and he kinda tripped... and kinda fell off the castle before either of us could land a single hit on him. Yeah... that was awkward.

He left a crown behind, though, and to lighten the mood, I decided to put it on and do my best Nora impression. Then _I _tripped, and fell through a nearby wall like it wasn't even there. It was a secret passageway with a staircase!

...Don't tell Pyrrha it was accidental.

We climbed up and found a queen of some sort who demanded we bow. I went ahead and did that, and she said we'd rendered some sort of service upon her, and asked if she could do anything in return. I asked about the Joker makeup- that was the whole reason for coming out here, after all- and she smiled before pointing me to a nearby makeup drawer- or cosmetics, I think she called them.

I took what I needed, then asked if she knew a way out of Yharnam- I just really wanted to go home by now. She agreed, but asked if I might not like to be her servant instead.

...That's when Pyrrha attacked again. Something about her actually being a vampire, I really don't know, but I'm sure she knows what she's talking about.

Thankfully, it actually wasn't that far from the exit at that point, so we managed to make it out okay- I even got my makeup! That said, I don't think I'll be in a hurry to go back to Yharnam again anytime soon...

XXXX

THE LONG MAIL BAG

"Alright, about time we got back to this," Yang grunts, taking a seat in her chair. She rubs around in it in slight discomfort. "My seat doesn't even feel right..."

"I'm with you there," Ruby grumbles as she attempts to adjust herself into her own chair. "All this to answer letters that are four months old... I hope the viewers aren't _too _mad at us."

"Well, let's not forget who's _fault _the hiatus was, hmm?" Yang reminds her.

Ruby sighs. "Yeah... anyways, we've got three letters to go over today, so let's get to it!"

She visibly perks up as she produces the first. "Alright, from agalvantula, who has a question for each of us! They want to know my favorite breed of dog- aside from corgis. Hmmm... that's gonna be difficult."

"I thought you liked golden retrievers pretty well," Yang points out, smiling gently. "Remember Pretty Girl?"

"Oh, yeah!" Ruby's eyes start glowing at the memory. "Our Uncle Steve- not an actual uncle, just a family friend- once found a golden retriever hobbling along his driveway and adopted her- named her Pretty Girl! I loved that dog- every time we visited, she'd always peek in through our legs, follow us around whimpering for attention..."

"Good times, good times," Yang sighs nostalgically. "So, what's the question for me?"

"They also want to know any tips you have for crafting good puns- they've been having trouble lately."

"Ah, a fellow punster, I see!" Yang's eyes light up immediately. "I'd _like _to say you've come to the right place, but unfortunately, there's not much advice I can actually give. You just gotta go with the flow- when the time for a pun comes, you'll know it." She adjusts her voice to that of an old sage. "The pun chooses the punner, Mr./ Ms. Agalvantula- it is not always clear why. But it _is _clear that we can expect great things from you. After all, _I _have done great things."

"Terrible things," Ruby interjects.

"Yes... but great!" Yang volleys back immediately.

"Says you," Ruby mutters under her breath. "Anyways, we got a message from Urquineath, but it was mainly requests from other segments- sorry we haven't gotten to Bandersnatch yet, Weiss cancelled on Netflix and we haven't talked her into getting it back yet.

"Konstantinsen, on the other hand, has an idea for an all-new segment! He has a dream- a dream where I get my own segment to repair or improve a new item each week! I mean, I _am _basically this school's mechanic and blacksmith!"

Ignoring a far, distant cry of "WHERE'S THE BLACKSMITH?!" Yang places a hand to her chin in thought.

"Well... that could work, if people submit requests for things that need fixing or improving- but I'll have to keep a _close _eye to make sure you don't go overboard."

"Yang, please," Ruby rolls her eyes. "When do _I _ever go overboard?"

Yang stares at her sister with half-closed eyes, then slowly reaches into her pocket, retrieving a scroll that unrolls to be several meters long.

Ruby blushes. "Okay, so... once or twice. But still! That's a positive- if anyone has anything that needs fixing, feel free to send it to me, and I'll be sure to include it!"

"Might not necessarily be a regular thing, though," Yang points out. "Anyways, next letter?"

"Okay, the last letter is YellowBeetle321- he'd like to think we could cure Weiss's... _problem _with Kirby by having her play Subspace Emissary or World of Light- you know, games that show him as a hero."

"I _guess _that could work," Yang speculates, "but... his own games already portray him as a hero, and that's where she got the idea in the first place. Hate to say it, Beetleboy, but I think you're underestimating just how stubborn the Ice Queen is- once she sees an eldritch abomination in him, it'll take a little more than Smash Bros. to fix that perception."

"Yeah... hate to say it, but she _can _be almost as boneheaded as a grimm sometimes," Ruby laughs nervously, rubbing her hair. "Anyways, that's all for this week. See you all next time on another edition of... ugh, I don't wanna say it..."

"The _Long _Mail Bag!" Yang beams, supplying the title for her.

"...Yeah."

XXXX

_**WEISS'S GAMING EXPERIENCE**_

Weiss sighs as she takes a seat, dressed up as the Joker. "Okay, nobody would _ever _suspect that Batman would dress up as the Joker... I know it's been four months, but you can never be too careful..."

She turns to the camera. "Hello, and welcome to my gaming corner, where I play all sorts of inane time wasters for your viewing pleasure. Today, in honor of this most terrifying time of the year, I'll be playing one of the most renowned horror games of all time- _Silent Hill. _I know very little about the story, except that it seems to involve a father and daughter traveling to the titular town, only to find it inhabited by monsters. Is that about correct, Yang?"

"Heh heh... you said 'tit.'"

Weiss sighs. "Why did I think I'd get a rational answer from you? Anyways, let us begin."

She boots up the game, and is immediately greeted by the opening quote, causing her to snort. "'Fear of blood tends to create fear for the flesh?' Nice to see us starting off nice and pretentious."

"Yeah, Oum forbid we have to deal with pretentious people, eh, Weissy?"

Weiss's eye twitches. "Now I see why Blake prefers to record alone."

Shaking her head, she watches the opening cutscene, as the father and daughter drive towards Silent Hill, only to crash to avoid hitting another little girl. "Not the best driver, this Harry Mason, is he?" Weiss comments drily. "I suppose this is where the game begins..."

Harry wakes up in his car, and is panicked to see that his daughter- Cheryl- is not with him. "Indeed, my father would panic upon seeing that his heiress had vanished," Weiss comments. "Though, we'll see how this particular father reacts..."

Her eyes widen as she watches him plunge down a dark alleyway in search of his daughter, heedless to any potential danger as things suddenly begin growing dark around him, before being attacked what appear to be demon children.

"Well... this is about where I believe father would decide he can make a new heir," she ponders. "I'm certain the only reason _this _father will remain is that he is trapped somehow..."

Harry wakes up in a nearby diner, implying that everything else was a dream, and finds himself in the presence of a policeman. "Here it comes," Weiss sighs. "He's going to ask if she knows a way out, and the only reason he doesn't leave is because the only ways out of town are blocked, or-"

"Have you seen my daughter, Cheryl? Short, black hair, just turned seven last month?"

Weiss's jaw drops. "He... he didn't even _think _to ask about a way out? He... he was too concerned for his own daughter to even consider his own safety?"

As the cutscene ends, she's given her first weapon and a map, and subsequently dashes to the edges of town, where, sure enough, the roads have somehow been destroyed.

"Okay, so I _am _blocked off from leaving... but I didn't need to come over here and find that out... he never asked, never even tried to find out if I hadn't taken him over here myself- his first instinct was to go back down that same alleyway!"

In said alleyway, he discovers a hint indicating a nearby school. "Hmm... I wonder what a school in a town like this would be like?" Weiss ponders. "Let's see if we can get through this fog to find the truth, shall we?"

"I face out, I hold out, I reach out to the truth of my life!" Yang begins singing.

"Get out, Yang," Weiss interjects, finally putting her foot down.

"You're mean," Yang pouts off-screen. "But then, I _do _have to go put the finishing touches on my prank, so..."

Weiss glares at her as she leaves, before sighing again. "_What _are the consequences of what I've just done?" she wonders. "Anyways..."

She continues until she arrives in the school- inhabited by more demon children. "These things nearly killed him earlier- _surely _he'll start having second thoughts-"

"No? No second thoughts? Even when the school suddenly becomes an infinitely more terrifying place, he continues pressing on in search of his daughter, heedless to any danger!"

Weiss bites her lip all throughout the first boss fight- against an odd, fleshy lizard-like creature. After shooting it down in the mouth, she pauses and puts the controller down.

"This... this is beyond anything I'd imagined! This man... Mr. Harry Mason... he'd go into the depths of Hell just to rescue his own daughter- regardless of the consequences, regardless of the price to his own well-being- or even his own sanity! In every way, this man embodies the perfect father! The perfect... father..."

She reaches out, almost absent-mindedly, and turns the game off. "I shall most definitely continue this another day... but for now, it has given me a great deal to think about. I... I will see you all next time, for another game..."

XXXX

**PRANKSTER'S HANGOUT WITH YANG (CONT.)**

Yang sneaks out into the hallway, tiptoeing along. "Sorry for the wait," she whispers, "but I couldn't pull the rest of this prank off until _right _before the party tomorrow. You'll see why. This is where the duct tape comes in."

She opens a door in front of her and sneaks into a bedroom of some sort. "Today's victim has been rendered entirely unconscious by Ren's sleeping pills- good thing too, 'cause as much as I like duct tape, it can be a tad noisy. For this prank, we're gonna wrap 'em up, nice and good!"

She pulls back the blankets, revealing her victim, who she proceeds to wrap up in duct tape like a spider wrapping up its latest catch. She then slinks out. "Alright, only thing left to do is wait for the fireworks tomorrow. Don't worry, Ruby and me'll tell you all about it! Until then, remember, ladies- if the guys don't find you pretty, they should at least find you punny!"

XXXX

The next night, Ruby is the first to return to the dorm after the party, glancing nervously behind her, before hopping up onto her bed. "Okay... so... that was a thing..."

Yang enters next, arms crossed angrily. "Stupid Goodwitch... dishing out detentions on Halloween..."

Ruby rubbed the back of her head. "Yeah... I'm thinking this one's really on you, Yang. I mean, Goodwitch didn't _make _you wrap her up in duct tape..."

"We all know she wouldn't have dressed up otherwise!" Yang objects. "I was doing her a favor!"

"I guess she didn't really see it that way... _especially _with the whole hypnotizing another student thing."

"Hey, it's not like I made him do anything major against his will!" Yang objects. "It wasn't supposed to be Mercury, anyway- it was supposed to be that Neo girl!"

"How did you mistake Mercury for Neo?" Ruby asks incredulously.

"I don't know! I guess he had his metal legs off at the time!" Yang guesses. "Without those, he's almost as short as her! Besides, it was dark in there!"

"How did you even get him to _do _that?"

"Oh, I put some headphones on him playing four drumbeats over and over again, then whispered that, when he heard that beat again, he'd walk up to Goodwitch and say, 'Are you my mummy?'"

"Well, that explains that," Ruby sighs. "I think you might have crossed a line with this one, Yang..."

"You don't think Goodwitch is gonna snag the camera again, do you?" Yang asks nervously.

"I'll try to smooth things over with her," Ruby decides. "Take responsibility as Team Leader or something. Maybe she'll take pity on us. Just... please stop risking the show! This is the greatest thing we've ever done, and I don't want to lose it again!"

"Sorry, sis," Yang apologizes shamefacedly. "I'll... I'll do what I can not to mess up like this again."

"It's alright- I mean, it _is _Halloween, right? Everyone's entitled to one good scare!"

"And we certainly had some of those," Yang smirks. "When Jaune and Weiss saw that they were wearing the same costume... oh, boy, _that's _an image I'm saving in my mind for the rest of my life!"

"Pyrrha didn't seem too happy, though," Ruby reflected. "Weiss better watch herself."

"I guess we'll see what happens," Yang decides. "Until then- Ruby?"

"Oh, right! Thank you so much to our producer, Gamer4, our editor, GeorgeKYST, our set designer, Breenut, and to all of you wonderful viewers out there!"

"You all have a great Halloween, and remember- don't wait too _Long- _we've got _Rose _more coming your way!"

Ruby sighs. "Did you _really _have to say it _again?_"


	9. The Melancholy of Ruby Rose

Episode IX

The Melancholy of Ruby Rose

"It's time for the Rose-Xiao Long Show!" Ruby calls out, sounding somewhat more forced than usual. "Starring me and my sister, Yang Xiao Long!"

The door opens, and Yang jaunts in, clearly in as good spirits as ever. "Hello, and welcome back to the show! As you can tell, Goodwitch didn't take our camera again- though the whole Breach incident probably had something to do with that."

She pauses, glancing at Ruby, waiting for her to throw her two cents in. Ruby, however, is gazing out of the window, seemingly uninterested in the show itself. "Okay... anyways, I guess we should go back to the beginning. The day after Halloween, Old Man Oz calls us all into the auditorium, says it's about time we start shadowing pro hunters on actual missions- Team RWBY got saddled with Doc Oobleck. Go figure. We were heading off to Mountain Glenn, figured there was some criminal activity going on there- wanna tell them how we put that together, Rubes?"

Silence.

Yang's brow furrows. "Okay... the weird thing was Weiss. She thought the place was the second coming of Silent Hill, and decided she could find Harry Mason there- she seems to have decided he's her real father, and she's hell-bent on finding him. You should have _heard _some of the things she said, ain't that right, Rubes?"

"..."

"Okay, what's up?" Yang finally gives in, crossing her arms as she turns to her sister. "You're normally all in to this show- what's got you down?"

Ruby glances down at the floor. "Nothing..."

Yang rolls her eyes. "It's clearly _not _nothing, Rubes. You really think you can hide things from _me? _Remember the _last _time you tried to hide something from your big sis?"

Ruby's eyes widen in horror. "No! I swear, there's nothing to it!"

Yang raises her hands, twitching her fingers with a dark smirk. "How about I count to three, and if you haven't told me the truth..."

"No... _no..._ NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

XXXX

_BLAKE'S BOOK REVIEW_

Blake glances around her room, an eyebrow quirked. "Well, since Yang's not here, I guess I can actually get the full review out."

She clears her throat. "Okay, I guess I'm doing Hunger Games today. I already mentioned it before, back in episode 5, as more or less a spiritual successor to the Japanese novel Battle Royale. I was originally planning to leave it at that, but without any other book recommendations, the editor thought I should go more in-depth.

"As I already said, the book takes place in a post-apocalyptic world, in the country of Panem, which has been divided into twelve districts. The government has a program to remind the district of its power over them- every year, two youths from each district- a man and a woman- are sent to the capital to participate in a death match called the Hunger Games- only one can be left alive."

Blake tenses, glancing around, waiting for something... but it never comes. She releases a breath and continues.

"Our protagonist for this story is Katniss Everdeen, from District 12- the furthest from the capital, and the most impoverished by extension. When her sister is called on to participate in the games, she volunteers to go in her place. She is very clearly the underdog, but her skill in survival- and, in particular, with a bow and arrow- may just be enough to see her through.

"She is very much an unwilling hero- she has no desire to be in the situation she's in, and for much of the early story, it is others doing the most work to give her a fighting chance in the games, but once she's in the arena, she shows that she is fully capable of standing up on her own, as well. Not to say that it's easy- the author, Suzanne Collins, never takes things easy on her protagonists- but it doesn't take the people on the outside long to realize she isn't to be underestimated either."

Blake pauses, glancing over one shoulder, then the other. She releases her breath.

"If you like Suzanne Collins' style of writing, I would also recommend Gregor the Overlander, her first series that really set the template that she works with now. At five relatively short books, it's definitely worth a read- the protaganist, Gregor, is definitely reminiscent of Katniss- starting off mostly apathetic to the plight of the people around him, but through many trials, eventually comes to accept the mantle of a hero."

A deep breath, as she glances around. "Hmm... never thought it would be this difficult to review something on my own- I keep waiting for Yang to jump out and give me something to bounce off of."

There is a series of thudding steps outside the door before it slams open, revealing Yang in a black jacket, eyes red and flames blazing around her. Despite the color of her eyes, she is beaming. "Sorry I'm late! Had to get the costume just right! Introducing, the Girl on Fire!"

Blake's eye twitches, and she sighs. "So... yeah. Suzanne Collins. Check her out."

"Aw, is the review over already?"

"Yes, Yang. Yes it is."

"SON OF A-"

XXXX

**TALES OF VALKYRIA**

Ren and Nora are taking things easy for a change, flicking through a variety of tv programs. Ren sighs as he flicks after channel after channel of total drivel. "No wonder everyone abandoned tv a long time ago!" Nora seems to speak for him. "It all sucks!"

"I _am _hard-pressed to find redeeming qualities in many of these shows," Ren admits quietly.

"Yeah. I remember when there used to be good, quality stuff on tv!" Nora's eyes light up. "Oh! Oh! Did I ever tell you about my favorite show as a kid?"

"I don't believe so," Ren shakes his head, almost resignedly.

"It was this great puppet show called Candle Cove! All about pirates going on adventures and junk! Can't remember much about it now... too bad I didn't remember earlier! It would have been great to talk about it for Halloween!"

"Halloween?" Ren asks, quirking a brow. "Was it a particularly scary show?"

"Not really," Nora shakes her head- then pauses, raising a hand to her chin. "I mean, the villain was pretty messed up. A living skeleton called the Skin-Taker. For a show that was usually so light-hearted, its villain was right outta a horror movie."

Ren blinks. "Hmm... I may actually remember this show as well. The Skin-Taker... I remember having to sleep with my parents for a while after the final episode."

"Oh, yeah, the final episode was _jacked. _UP. I gotta wonder what happened- some psycho must have gotten in, it was just all the characters screaming for half an hour!"

"Not even any commercial breaks," Ren shudders. "Truly, an unsettling finale."

"I remember running to my mom and crying about it," Nora nods. "But then... she said something really weird..."

Ren freezes, glancing over at her with uncertain eyes. "Go on..."

"I remember... I remember she said to me... 'Nora, what's wrong? You looked just fine- you were doing your usual ritual, sitting in front of-"

"-a tv showing nothing but static... dead air," Ren finishes for her. "You would do it every week. Whenever your father or I asked... you said you were watching your favorite pirate show."

The two look nervously at each other.

Nora clears her throat. "So, umm... wanna hop on DustTube for a bit?"

"Indeed," Ren nods, turning the tv off. "I could use a distraction."

Nora brightens up. "Oh! I heard about this great new show on DustTube! It's called _Don't Hug Me, I'm Scared!_"

XXXX

_**WEISS'S MOVIE REVIEW**_

Weiss sighs, leaning back in her dorm, still wearing her Joker costume from Halloween. "Yang was supposed to send someone to help me with the review," she grumbles. "Must be running late... dolts, I have things to do!"

"Like what?" asks a voice behind her, causing her to shriek as she falls forward. She spins around to see Jaune standing behind her, also dressed in full Joker gear.

"No!" she screams, backing away. "No! Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, _NEIN!_"

"Is something wrong?" Jaune asks obliviously. "Aren't we going to review the movie?"

Weiss is rocking back and forth on the ground with her hands on either side of her head. "She *EXPUNGED* me. She did it. I should have known she would. She looked me _dead in the eye... AND _*EXPUNGED* _ME._"

"Who?" Jaune asks, extending a hand.

"YANG!" Weiss screams, smacking the hand away. "WHY _ELSE _WOULD SHE ASK _YOU, _OF ALL PEOPLE, TO REVIEW THIS MOVIE WITH ME?"

"Oh- uh... because I asked her to?" Jaune more asks than declares. "I loved this movie, so when I heard it was getting a review for the show, I asked her if I could join in?"

Weiss scoffs. "_You? _You're a Marvel fanboy- you could _never _appreciate a movie like this! There aren't enough _explosions _for someone of _your _ilk."

"Hey!" Jaune objects. "I mean, yeah, I like Marvel, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate a movie like Joker!"

Weiss scoffs again, leaning back in her seat. "We'll see. Take a seat. Let's do this."

"Alright!"

Weiss clears her throat. "Joker is the story of Arthur Fleck, a normal man living in the streets of Gotham City, attempting to eke out his life as a clown-for-hire, while simultaneously coping with a laundry list of mental health issues. Even worse, nobody particularly cares for him- not his coworkers, not the others who live in his apartment... even his mother, the closest person to him, is shown to have very little faith that he can succeed at anything in life."

Jaune squirms slightly. "Yeah... I can't _imagine _being in a position like that... heheh..."

Weiss arches her eyebrows, then continues. "Very well, spoilers incoming- should you wish to watch the movie for yourself, skip to the next segment now. If you have already seen the movie, or simply don't care... we warned you."

Jaune looks at her.

She looks back.

"You... you wanna talk about the thing?"

"Yes, I just want to give them time to skip ahead. To avoid the spoilers. By fast-forwarding to Prankster's Hangout."

"Oh."

They both lean back. Weiss casually checks her watch, and Jaune runs a finger under his nose.

"I... I think that's enough time," Jaune shrugs.

Weiss nods. "I agree."

Jaune takes a deep breath, then belts out, "It was _so obvious _that the girlfriend wasn't real!"

Weiss cringes. "It... it was?"

"The things she was saying and doing weren't things a real girl would ever say or do!" Jaune points out. "'Oh, you, were you stalking me?' 'Yeah, I... I wanted to get to know you better.' No. No, that's not how that works. That's not how _any _of this works!"

"I... I suppose that's true."

"And when he runs up to her, covered in blood, and they just start kissing- no, that's _going _to set off some alarm bells!"

"But..."

"And when she just tells him that she thinks the guys on the train deserved to die- okay, either she's crazy, too, or he's just imagining the whole-"

"I thought it was real," Weiss interrupts meekly.

Jaune screeches to a halt. "You... you did?"

"Or... perhaps I _wanted _it to be real," she admits. "They spend so much time showing this poor man struggling against a world that doesn't care for him, I just wanted to see a little happiness filter into his life."

"But... but congratulating the killer-"

"This is _Gotham,_" Weiss points out. "I thought it was just a person of Gotham being..._ Gotham._"

Jaune looks down. "Oh... sorry."

Weiss clears her throat. "It's quite alright. I will admit that the reveal was a tad ham-fisted- they could have left things off with her asking who he was- they didn't _need _to show flashbacks of him going on their dates alone."

"Yeah... I guess so..." Jaune agrees meekly.

Weiss pauses, then continues. "The musical score was excellent- I particularly enjoyed _Send in the Clowns _and Frank Sinatra's _That's Life._"

"Well, those are basically the themes of the movie," Jaune points out. "You listen to _That's Life, _and it basically sums up Joker's mindset. And _Send in the Clowns..._"

"Self-explanatory."

"...Yeah."

Weiss leans back. "The final scene gave me chills- the interview with Murray Franklin."

"It's the culmination of everything he's put up with up to that point," Jaune nods. "It doesn't make it _right, _of course, but this is the most I've ever understood and _sympathized with _a killer."

"You spend the whole scene waiting for him to snap," Weiss agrees. "I honestly thought he might shoot _himself._"

"That's a great thing about this Joker," Jaune nods. "You don't know what he's going to do. Same thing with the midget scene- he might kill him, or he might not, and there's no way to know, until he decides to turn him loose."

Weiss nods quickly. "And true, he only spends a few minutes at the end _as _Joker, but even in that short amount of time, he did _more _than enough to establish his own identity."

"Oh, I'd _easily _put him on par with Ledger," Jaune nods. "Maybe even _better, _in some ways."

"It's... difficult to compare the two," Weiss points out. "They were trying to accomplish entirely different things, and succeeded greatly at what they were aiming for."

"Straight bulls-eye," Jaune nods. "I'm definitely getting it on DVD."

"Myself as well," Weiss smiles, before faltering. "Did... did I just _agree _with you on something?"

Jaune nods. "Is... is that a problem?"

Weiss raises a hand to her chin. "I... I need some time to think about it."

Jaune shrugs, then glances at the camera. "So... how do we end this?"

"I... I don't know. This is my first time hosting one of these segments."

Jaune smiles. "Well... we could always..."

Weiss's eyes widened. "You want to..."

Jaune nods eagerly.

Weiss thinks about it for a second, then nods. "But not with the camera on."

"Sounds good to me!" Jaune smiles, before turning a darker smirk towards the camera as he approaches it. "Well, until next time, everyone, remember- _THAT'S LI-_"

XXXX

**PRANKSTER'S HANGOUT WITH YANG**

Yang sits behind her workbench, frowning at a tower of duct tape. "I can't figure it out... what's got Ruby so down?"

The duct tape shines a little.

"I even offered her some of her favorite strawberry cookies, and..._ nothing!"_

Silent duct tape noises.

"I've got to figure out _some _way to cheer her up..."

The top roll of tape, precariously placed, falls off and lands on top of her scroll. She glances at it, and the image upon it, before breaking into a grin. "THAT'S IT! In fact, that gives me a great idea for today's prank! You're the greatest!"

The duct tape humbly says nothing.

She turns to the camera at last. "Hello, and welcome back to Prankster's Hangout! Today, I'm gonna be pranking the Boop Troupe! I think Renora's a tad overdue for their time on this show, what do _you _think? Well, after their segment today, I know _just _what to do!"

She turns around to the rest of the room. "For today's prank, you'll need a camera, some patsies-" she points to Jaune and Weiss's names on her scroll- "and, of course, the ultimate weapon in _any _prankster's arsenal- duct tape!"

She begins tearing up the roll of duct tape that landed on the table, twisting it into various odd shapes. She also takes advantage of the several other rolls in the tower, each of which bears a different color. The shapes only barely resemble living things- if you tilt your head. And squint. And haven't slept in eight days. And are drunk. And high on acid. If all of the above conditions are filled, you _may _be able to discern human form in the duct tape figures Yang is making.

"Okay, I'm gonna have to turn the camera off for a moment, but I'll get back to you when the prank is ready!"

SSSS

Ren and Nora are relaxing in their room, unaware that they are being filmed, when Nora's scroll beeps with a notification. She grins when she looks at it. "Oh! A text from our fearless leader! He says that he found this great video on DustTube, he wants us to see it!"

"Very well," Ren sighs, turning away from cleaning his weapons. "Start it up."

Nora starts the video, which introduces itself as _Candle Cove, Season II._

Ren sighs as soon as the 'puppets' show up. "Oh, my... it seems that Yang-"

He is interrupted by Nora's sudden scream, leaping to her feet and dashing across the room to seize her hammer. "The Skin-Taker's back, Renny! Don't worry, I won't let it get you!"

"No, Nora," Ren sighs. "I strongly suspect that this is just-"

"COME AT ME, ABOMINATION OF THE NETHERWORLD!" Nora screams, swinging Magnhild around. "I WOULDN'T LET THE NUCKELEVEE HAVE HIM, AND I'M NOT ABOUT TO LOSE HIM TO _YOU!_"

"N-n-nucke..." Ren is shutting down, slumping onto his bed before suddenly sitting bolt upright. "Why, I oughtta smack you down, Skin-Takeh! You come roit this instant, I'll have your guts for garters, Oi will, or my name ain't O'Malley da Oirish Huntsman!"

SSSS

Yang blinks from the safety of her room. "Well... that wasn't part of the scenario." She pauses to remove the Gendo Ikari-brand glasses (TM) she was just wearing, turning to the camera. "I'm not even sure what accent that split personality of his is going for. Well, I hope Jaune and Pyrrha can get them back under control. Until then, remember, ladies! If the guys don't find you pretty, they should at least find you punny!"

XXXX

_INTERVIEW WIT DA ROSE_

Rroobie was walkin down to teh coortyurd, try n find a fren da talk too. She siied when she no find noone, til she sees teh AWESOMEST guy she ever see before at teh edge of da foontain! He were tall, n cool, n amazin, n she already no dis da gie she wanna on da shoe!

"Oh hai!" she sai, goin to him. He no talkin da her at phirst, he too busy starin off at da sunset, cause dat be what all teh coooooool ppl do, rite? Rite. Seh suddenly burst inta flours n pear rite in frnt o him, n he finealy notice her like a senpai!

"Oh, you gotsta be dat new girl n school, Roobie Rose, rite?" he be sain, n he had da smooooothest, colest voyce Rubby ever hear! She alredy falleeng in luv-luv!

"Dat mii!" she say happy, n she sooooo cyute, it almmost make da boi hart stop! "Hoo you bein, cool guy?"

"I ish da gratest hunstman who ever live!" da boi expaln. "Iz gotsta most awesomest sembalance, n my wepon be ta sweeeeetest grimmm-killah in alla Vital!" all a sudden, he tern red n look way. "But me always be bringin down bad tings on da wuns me luvs... it no easy being da strongest, handsomest, bestest hunter dere ever wus."

"Dat not troo!" Roobie say, silva iz gloowin. "I beeleeve in youz, cool guy! N I swares, if I evah-"

"Okay, okay, what the _smeg _is going on over here?!" comes another voice- both people turn to see the producer stomping across the grounds, glaring angrily at the boy. "Steven, what did I _say _to you about trying to hijack the show?"

"O teh noes!" da boy crye! "It da reel produca- I gotsta!"

"Enough of this," the producer grumbles, grabbing Steven in a chokehold. "You okay, Ruby?"

Ruby blinks and shakes her head as though awakening from a trance. "I think so... what _was _that?"

"Oh, this is a... _friend _from my world, Steven Ripfist," Gamer4 explains. "He wanted to start a show too, but since he... doesn't exactly have any writing talent, he decided to just take over mine."

"Oh..." Ruby blushes as she recalls the things she had just said.

"Don't worry about it, I'll make sure he doesn't try anything like this again," Gamer4 grumbles, seizing Steven by the ear. "Come on, I'm gonna let George take care of you..."

"NOOOOEEEES!" Steven cries as he is dragged away. "He no gonna make pancakes fur meh no more!"

Ruby stares as they leave, before awkwardly glancing at the camera. "Er... next segment, I guess?"

XXXX

"THAT BASTARD!" Yang rages upon hearing of Steven's actions. "Forget the editor, he'd better hope _I _don't get my hands on him!"

"It's no big deal, really," Ruby attempts to dissuade her from doing anything rash. "I'm sure they'll get him back under control."

Yang sighs, struggling to calm herself. "Okay... well, anyways, I was talking about Mountain Glenn, right? Well, we landed, and Weiss immediately starts running around, trying to find Harry Mason, killing any grimm in her way. Next thing we know, she's falling into an empty pit right on top of a huge White Fang operation, and she's beating Torchwick to a pulp, screaming '_WHERE IS HE?!_" over and over again. One wild train ride later, we're in the middle of downtown Vale, a big crater blown in the road, and fighting off a small army of grimm!"

"Yeah... it was crazy..." Ruby nods, almost absent-mindedly.

"Still not over it, Rubes?" Yang asks. "C'mon, don't you wanna hear about my fight with that ice cream girl?"

"You mean Neo?" Ruby asks, glancing up. "_She _was there?"

"Yup," Yang nods. "Turns out she was working with Torchwick."

"Oh," Ruby glances back at the ground. "Hmm... I wonder how Mercury and Emerald are gonna take that- though, Neo didn't really seem to like them anyway..."

"Well, any enemy of Neo is a friend of mine!" Yang grunts fervently. "Hmm... I thought that might be what has ya down, but you didn't know?"

"No... I didn't."

Yang crosses her arms, an expression of concern over her face. A light bulb seems to pop over her head. "Oh! Y'know, there was that viewer who requested a segment for you to fix and upgrade weapons- you feel like getting started this episode?"

Ruby silently looks away. "Maybe... maybe next episode. Not really up to it right now."

Yang's jaw drops. "Okay... this is getting serious."

Ruby sighs. "Maybe... maybe I'll explain it next segment, okay?"

Eager at the thought of an explanation, Yang nods and turns to the camera. "Well, alright then! Let's move right along!"

XXXX

_SISTERLY ADVICE WITH RUBY_

Ruby glances around her usual classroom, sighing. "Hello. Today, I want to talk about... the Day of the Dead.

"As I... recently found out, the Day of the Dead is a celebration from a southern kingdom. It takes place right after Halloween, and has some similar things going for it- but it's less about scary things and more about remembering those who... those who've left us.

"It's... it's the one time of year that we're supposed to remember them and keep them close, because the walls between the worlds of living and dead are thin... and the dead are... closest to us..."

As she continues, she starts losing control of herself, her shoulders bobbing up and down slightly. Yang's big sister instincts kick into overdrive, and she ends the segment quickly. "Here, havesomeJauneandPyrrha,she'sstandingwithyou,you'reallinthistogetherbye!"

XXXX

**ADVENTURE TIME WITH PYRRHA AND JAUNE**

Hello, again. It's been quite a while since I've had the chance to narrate one of these, so... here I go!

This time around, we had an interesting mission- we received two messages- one from the producer, and one from the editor. They both wanted us to travel overseas and capture a creature known as a 'Pikachu'- but the endgame was different. The producer referred to it as a vile creature worse than the lowliest grimm, and wanted us to destroy it, while the editor called it a 'cuddly mouse that will be a boon _against _the grimm.' We weren't sure what to make of it, but we headed out anyways, taking a boat to a bizarre kingdom called Kanto.

It seems that there is an odd culture in Kanto centered around capturing creatures in orbs known as 'pokeballs,' and subsequently using them in tournaments in an effort to train the strongest.

...It was even more to my shock when Jaune produced several of these 'pokeballs' from his pants before we even went into a... pokemart? I don't quite understand it myself, but everything in Kanto seems to center around these... pokemon.

We asked around after the elusive Pikachu, and while we received plenty of assistance locating them, we were having trouble finding people who could assist us in deciding whether to kill the creature, per Gamer4's orders, or adopt it, as per GeorgeKYST's. When we asked, most people just gave us odd looks and moved along.

The closest we came was a pair of odd fellows in red and blue- the gentleman in blue started screaming about how zubats were superior, while the man in red shook his head and sighed.

...I have no knowledge about zubats, either.

Eventually, we found ourselves in a bright green forest- very reminiscent of the Emerald Forest, in point of fact. It was abound with many large insects. I found myself glad that we didn't take Yang or Weiss along- those two can't stand bugs.

We had defeated several before we finally found a creature matching our clients' description- an adorable mouse-like creature with yellow fur, but red cheeks and a lightning-bolt tail. According to George, this was all there was to it, but Gamer4 had assured us that the cute exterior hid a monstrous evil more hideous than the Lady of the Grimm herself... whoever that's supposed to be.

Well, as I understood it, we had to fight it either way, so we did that. We didn't necessarily _want _to hurt it, you understand, but duty called. Jaune in particular was very reluctant with his strikes, and I would be lying if I said I was eager to spill this creature's blood.

Even so, it wasn't necessarily a fair fight- perhaps this is why people generally only battle pokemon with other pokemon, rather than taking them on personally. As we debated between ourselves who's orders we ought to follow, the Pikachu came at us with one final attack, summoning a bolt of lightning that struck Jaune, piercing through his aura and exposing his skeleton for a brief moment before he collapsed to the ground.

That was the moment the decision was made- Nora would _never _forgive us if we didn't adopt such a creature.

XXXX

THE LONG MAIL BAG

"Before we get started," Yang begins as she and Ruby take their usual seats, "I wanted to talk to Rubes real quick. So... this is about the Day of the Dead, is it?"

Ruby sniffles a little as she answers. "Yes... I should have been spending it remembering Mom, but... I... I missed it! One chance a year, and I missed it!"

"But you didn't even know about it," Yang points out gently. "You didn't even know about it until- actually, how _did _you find out?"

"Georgie told me," Rube recalls, wiping her nose on her sleeve. "He's from southern Vale, where they celebrate it."

Yang's eyes flash red as she gets to her feet. "I'm gonna go give that bastard a piece of my mind!"

"No, no, wait!" Ruby calls out, reaching for her. "Don't- it's not his fault!"

"Don't matter, Rubes," Yang glowers. "You cry, he dies."

Frantically trying to think of a way to give their editor a little longer to live, Ruby says, "Can we at least finish this segment first?"

Yang pauses, and sighs. "Right... right. Alright, how many letters we got today?"

"Two," Ruby answers, bringing them out without the usual fanfare. "First, from SpiderShadow-"

"That bastard?" Yang asks, immediately flaring up again.

"That's one of the things he says!" Ruby interrupts quickly. "He wants to apologize for threatening your duct tape!"

Yang's eyes quickly flip back to amethyst. "Oh... huh. Can't say I was expecting that. Thought this might turn into a grudge match, but... uh... apology accepted, I guess? We're cool- just keep away from my duct tape."

Ruby sighs in relief. "He's also glad to see that we're back..."

"So are we, my enemy-turned-friend," Yang nods, crossing her arms. "So are we."

"And he wants to know how I carry my baby despite being so... tiny?"

Yang smirks and ruffles her sister's hair before covering her ears, against many an objection. She leans close to the camera and whispers, "It's amazing what one can do when one doesn't know what one _can't _do."

She releases her hold on her sister, leaving her pouting for a solid minute before turning to the other letter. "Okay, I think I said earlier that Konstantinsen mentioned _really _wanting to see my segment- he even dropped a suggestion for upgrading Crocea Mors."

"Croca what now?" Yang asks blankly.

Ruby looks up in exasperation. "Jaune's weapon, Yang! Call yourself his friend."

"Hey, not all of us are weapon nerds!" Yang objects. "So... you're gonna do that?"

Ruby bites her lip. "Maybe... maybe next episode. Still not really feeling up to it right now."

She leaps back when she sees Yang examining her closely. "What... what are you doing?"

Yang breaks out into a smile. "Okay... time for the last resort. I've got something that'll put a smile back on your face, guaranteed."

Ruby blinks nervously.

"But first, a message from our Ice Queen!"

XXXX

_**WEISS'S GAMING EXPERIENCE**_

"Dust as my witness, I will get her to stop calling me that one day," Weiss mutters. "Hello. We're playing Uncharted."

As she boots up the Gamestation, she explains a little more. "I was... apprehensive, when I learned this game centers around guns- the last thing this world needs is another mindless shooter- but Ruby was adamant that I might find this one interesting. I suppose we shall see."

She quirks a brow at the heroic music on the menu screen. "Hmm... it certainly has more of an adventurous feel than the other mindless drivel I've been forced to play. I wonder if father would enjoy it- my real father, that is. I was unable to find him in Mountain Glenn, but I am certain I will find him one day- such is the bond between father and daughter."

She clears her throat before beginning the game.

"Hmm... _There must be a beginning of any great matter, but the continuing unto the end until it be thoroughly finished yields the true glory. _I can't help but agree."

The opening scene continues, until the hero of the game is introduced- one Nathan Drake. Weiss blushes upon seeing him. "Well... this gentleman is... certainly not hideous."

She blushes even deeper at his cocky, confident manner, only showing what seems like vague annoyance when his ship is attacked by pirates.

She then jumps in surprise when suddenly called upon to begin the game. "Oh! This game wastes no time, does it? Less than a minute in, and you want me to learn to shoot? Well, the controls seem simple enough. I suppose the head is the place to aim for in such games, is it not?"

She smiles faintly as she manages to kill several pirates before they can board her ship, before panicking when a few manage to get through. Quickly enough, she has learned how to punch.

"Stay... off... my... SHIP!" she screams at them.

...They retaliate with a rocket launcher.

She screams again, and makes to hide anywhere she can, but her true saving grace is when a plane swoops down from overhead, dive-bombing the pirates and giving Nathan and his companion an opportunity to escape.

Weiss smiles warmly when she spies the man at the plane's helm. "He... he reminds me of Klein."

She blinks in surprise when he begins flirting with Nathan's female companion. "A... somewhat cruder Klein, but Klein nonetheless."

Muttering to herself, she adds, "As long as he keeps her away from Nathan, he's welcome to her..."

She then turns the brightest red yet and flashes a glance at the camera. "You... didn't hear that. Yang, cut away to something! Anything! It doesn't mat-"

SSSS

Jaune and Weiss are standing in the same room they did their review in, still in their Joker costumes. Some old-fashioned music comes on, and they begin slowly dancing to it.

Weiss begins the singing with, "That's life!"

"That's life!" Jaune nods in the background.

"That's what all the people say," Weiss continues. Stretching her legs as far as she can (not all that far,) she adds, "You're riding high in April, shot down in May! But I know I'm gonna change that tune when I'm back on top- back on top in June!"

"I said, that's life!" Jaune re-enters.

"That's life!" Weiss concurs.

"And as funny as it may seem, some people get their kicks stomping on a dream," Jaune laments, miming stomping on something as he sings. "But I don't let it, let it get me down, 'cause this fine old world it keeps spinning around."

Weiss enters with a sort of one-person kicking line as she croons, "I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king!"

"I've been up and down and over and out, and I know one thing!" Jaune volleys back.

The two join together for, "Each time I find myself flat on my face, I pick myself up and get back in the race!"

"That's life!" Weiss takes back over.

"That's life!" Jaune adds.

"I tell ya, I can't deny it! I've thought of quitting, baby, but my heart just ain't gonna buy it!" For the first time, Weiss seems almost pained, having to sing such improper lyrics.

Jaune steps in, seemingly to assist her with singing, "And if I didn't think it was worth one single try, I'd jump right on a big bird, and then I'd fly!"

Weiss nods, acknowledging the assistance before launching the next chorus. "I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king!"

Jaune grins as he returns with, "I've been up and down and over and out, and I know one thing!"

Once again, they unite: "Each time I find myself laying flat on my face, I just pick myself up and get back in the race!"

"That's life!" Jaune raises his voice.

"That's life!" Weiss nods.

"And I can't deny it!" Jaune takes back the limelight. "And I can't deny it! Many times I thought of cutting out, but my heart won't buy it!"

He doesn't seem as upset over the improper lyrics as Weiss was, but she jumps back in anyways, joining him in harmony as they wrap it up. "But if there's nothing shakin', come this here July, I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball, and diiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee!"

They both brought it home with, "My, myyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"

XXXX

Yang grins as she turns to Ruby. "So, feelin' better, Rubes?"

Ruby looks like she's fighting to stay sad, but the display before her seems to have unquestionably lifted her spirits. Finally, she allows a grin to break out on her face. "Oddly enough... yeah, I'm feeling better."

Yang beams. "Good to hear it. It's hard seeing my baby sister so down."

"Weiss is gonna kill you when she finds out you put _that _in the show," Ruby smiles.

"Hey, she said play _anything,_" Yang points out. "I was true to the letter of the law, if not the spirit."

"And now you don't have to go after Georgie!" Ruby cheers brightly.

Yang doesn't lose her smile as she smashes one fist into her opposite palm. "Oh, no, that guy's still going down. Doesn't matter if you feel better. You cry, he dies."

Ruby allows a drop of sweat to go down her face. "Okay... well, I can't think of anything else we have to cover this time."

Yang leans back in thought for a moment. "Hmm... me neither! Don't worry, little sis. We'll make sure to celebrate the Day of the Dead next year, okay?"

"And start my new segment next time?" Ruby asks.

"Of course!" Yang nods. "We've got the concept, and a suggestion- no stopping us now!"

"Right!" Ruby nods happily. "We're the Rose-Xiao Long twins, and this is the Rose-Xiao Long Show! Thank you so much to our producer, Gamer4, our editor, GeorgeKYST, our set designer, Breenut, the Red Green Show for inspiration, and, of course, to all of our beloved fans!"

"Until next time," Yang winks, "don't wait too _Long, _we've got _Rose _more coming your way!"


	10. The Gamer4 Restaurant Massacre

Episode X

The Gamer4's Restaurant Massacre

"It's time for the Rose-Xiao Long Show!" Ruby happily declares from the middle of her dorm, where she is dressed in black-and-white striped shirt, pants, and hat. "We wanted to do a Thanksgiving episode for you guys, but we... kinda got arrested, so... to explain what happened, I give you the greatest criminal in Vale, Yang Xiao Looooooooong!"

Yang enters the room, smiling and waving at the camera, dressed identically to Yang. "Thanks for that intro, Rubes- yeah, we should get around to explaining that, shouldn't we?"

"Try to do it quickly," Ruby advises. "It's... a pretty lame reason, actually."

"Are you kidding? I'm milking this for all it's worth!" Yang grins like a cheshire cat. "Okay, this is a story called _Gamer4's Restaurant. _It's about Gamer4... and his restaurant."

"Oh, boy," Ruby sighs into her hand.

"But Gamer4, see, he doesn't actually live _in _the restaurant, he lives in a house a few miles away from the restaurant, with his sister and a few cats."

"He doesn't even have a restaurant," Ruby objects softly.

Yang completely ignores her. "So, living on their own like that, they decided they didn't have to take out their garbage... for a long time."

Ruby sighs, and tries to hurry the story along. "They invited Teams RWBY and JNPR over for Thanksgiving dinner to celebrate "

"Yup," Yang nods. "So, we got there and saw all the garbage, and decided it would be a... friendly gesture to help with all the garbage. So, that's what we did- we got some shovels and rakes and implements of destruction, loaded up into a big, purple pickup truck, and took off to the city dump."

Ruby is lightly banging her head on the wall behind her. "This story is so _laaaaaame..._"

"We got there," Yang continues, "and there was a chain across the front gate, saying _Closed on Thanksgiving..._ We'd never heard of dumps being closed on Thanksgiving before, so with tears in our eyes, we took off again, looking for somewhere else to dump the garbage."

"We didn't find one," Ruby rolls her eyes.

Yang smirks. "Until we came to a side road, and on the _side _of the side road was a cliff- at the bottom of the cliff was another pile of garbage. Well, we decided one big pile was better than two little piles, and instead of bringing that one up, we decided to throw ours down. So... that's what we did. We threw it down then headed back to Gamer4's house to have a Thanksgiving dinner that can't be beat when-"

"Okay, okay, that's enough for now," Ruby interrupts. "I can _hear _people clicking away from this story. I'm moving us to the next segment."

"But I haven't finished my story!"

"And Dust willing, you never will."

XXXX

_BLAKE'S BOOK REVIEW_

Blake, too, is dressed in prison garb as she leans back in her room. "Well, _that _was eventful," she sighs. "Jaune and Pyrrha never even showed up... at least Ren and Nora didn't get arrested, too- I don't even want to _think _about how Nora would deal with jail time..."

She glances up at the camera. "Hello, and welcome to my book review. Today, I will be reviewing a book by request- its title is Alternative... Apoc... Yang?"

"Yes?"

"...Where's the book?"

"Oh, about that... we don't actually have a copy of it."

"Then... how am I supposed to review it?"

"Look, we were _going _to get it for you, but then we got arrested, and the fine killed our budget for the show! We didn't even have enough money to get Weiss another funny game to play!"

Blake's lips pull up in a snarl. "Well, that's great, Yang, that's just *EXPUNGED* great. What am I supposed to do now?"

"Well... I checked these out from the library..."

Blake wrinkles her nose at the books pushed under it. "_Kat Kong... _and _Dogzilla._"

"The censors want us to be a little more child friendly."

"What makes you think I give a *EXPUNGED* what the *EXPUNGED* censors think?"

"They're holding your boxed set of _Ninjas of Love _hostage."

Blake's eye twitches, before she turns to the camera, forcing a smile that looks more like a grimace.

"Today's books are... _Kat Kong _and..." Insert a sound very close to barfing... "_Dogzilla. _These are children's books written in parody of famed monster movies _King Kong _and _Godzilla- _creators and codifiers of the giant monster genre, known in eastern countries as Kaiju. And as much as I'd _love _to spend the rest of this review going over the history of Kaiju films, from _Beast from 20,000 Fathoms _to _Pacific Rim, _my guess is that wouldn't be _family friendly _enough, so let's focus on the books themselves.

"Needless to say, as children's books, they're rather heavily abridged, mostly focusing on the monster rampage itself, cutting out a great deal of backstory. No Skull Island in _Kat Kong, _and you're hardly going to see the effects of nuclear destruction in a children's story.

"The humans in each book are replaced by mice, and, of course, each monster is replaced by other giant animals- a cat and a dog, respectively."

Blake closes her eyes and sighs. "What do you want me to _say?_ These are the dumbest books I've reviewed so far!"

"Come on, you're almost there!"

Blake sighs. "Okay, I suppose it's somewhat amusing, how they defeat Dogzilla- they make it filthy and then give it a bath." Another long sigh. "Can I be done now?"

"Nooooo, you gotta tell them how they beat Kat Kong!"

"I'm not doing that."

"Come on, go ahead and tell them how curiosity killed the-"

"DUST *EXPUNGED*, YANG!"

XXXX

**TALES OF VALKYRIA**

"MAN, that was _crazy!" _Nora proclaims as she reclines in Team JNPR's dorm, protectively holding their new pet Pikachu, Norbert. "Best! Thanksgiving! Ever!"

"It _was _quite hectic," Ren agrees, flicking through one of his books. "I'm sure the fight between you and Gamer4 will go down in history."

Nora adopts a dark, dramatic tone. "Of course. That mastermind of evil lured us in with promises of delicious Thanksgiving dinner... with the true intention of killing little Norbert!"

Ren shudders- the look on Nora's face when she'd realized the producer's true intentions would likely haunt him to his grave.

"Like we wouldn't notice! What, you think trying to distract us with a pretty forest is gonna stop me from protecting little Norbert?!"

"He had bear traps hidden all over that trail..." Ren recalls. "I doubt he actually thought they would hurt us- just slow us down."

"Don't forget the quicksand!" Nora points out. "Heh- like that would ever hold _us _down!"

"As I recall, you ripped your skirt up, tied it into a rope, and used it to pull me out," Ren reflects. "...Despite there being a length of rope placed conveniently nearby."

Nora quickly waves him aside, turning red. "Yeahthatwasweird, _anyways! _Then I stagger backwards and fall into _lightning _sand!"

"I thought that patch was rather obvious," Ren notes dubiously. "And it almost looked like you deliberately jumped into that one..."

"You're being ridiculous, Ren!"

"Even odder was, when I pulled you back out, your top was missing, too."

Nora opens and closes her mouth a few times, before eagerly changing the subject. "Anyways! That was about when we started realizing something was _definitely _up, and we started hurrying back to the house, past the fire geysers and FOUSes!"

"Felines Of Unusual Size," Ren nods in agreement.

"And there, we find Gamer4 about to sacrifice little Norbert to his weird cult!"

"He even had that odd gold statue in the background."

"Like _*EXPUNGED* _was I gonna let that happen!" Nora declares loudly. "I rushed in and swung at him with Magnhild! He leapt back and pulled out his baseball bat, hissing like a monster!"

"I believe I spent most of the fight trying to cut Norbert off of the altar," Ren muses.

"He swung to the right! I parried to the left! I got a visceral attack in on him, just like the editor told me to!"

"I finally got Norbert free, and he started throwing lightning at Gamer4."

Nora's eyes light up. "But he missed, and got _me _instead! And from that moment... the battle was decided."

Ren nods uneasily. "You broke his legs and left him in a wheelchair for the next few months."

"He'd best be grateful!" Nora snarls. "I could have made it _permanent!_"

"I'm sure you could, Nora," Ren nods. "Now, how about pancakes?"

"Yippee!" Nora immediately cheers up and follows him out of the room.

XXXX

**PRANKSTER'S HANGOUT WITH YANG**

"Hello, everyone, and welcome to my segment, where I show off the latest and greatest in world-shaking pranks!" Yang preens, finally climbing out of her prison uniform and into her usual clothes, no mind paid to the running camera. "So, today, our target is Gamer4 himself! I don't know, he's just been *EXPUNGED* me off lately- I already beat George up for making Ruby cry last episode, but Gamer4 could have done more to stop him, and, of course, there's the whole 'turning-Dad's-brain-into-pudding' thing..."

She finishes her outfit by pulling on her boots before turning to beam at the camera. "So, what we'll need for today's prank! It's a lot simpler than usual- all we need is a sharpie and, of course, the ultimate weapon in _any _prankster's arsenal, duct tape!"

She grabs some strips of duct tape, and begins folding them into intricate shapes. "Those of you who don't trust in the power of the duct tape, behold!"

At long last, she proudly presents a completely functional fishing rod made entirely of duct tape. Smirking, she proves its effectiveness by casting it out and bringing back a book, the cover proudly declaring it _Ninjas of Love. _"Hey, Blake, I got your-"

Before she can even finish the statement, a shadow rushes in, seizing the book and immediately disappearing again. "Mine," the shadow hisses.

Yang blinks. "Ooookay... now we need the bait!"

She folds a small, rectangular shape out of tape, and begins writing on it with the sharpy- _Xenoblade 3._

"Everyone has their Achilles' Heel," she smirks darkly. "His is Xeno."

SSSS

Yang finds Gamer4 in Beacon's courtyard, his wheelchair parked directly in front of a deceased mare, which he was whacking repeatedly with a baseball bat. "So I'll take the teams!" *WHACK!* "And bring them to my house!" *WHACK!* "And we'll watch other worlds!" *WHACK!* "Starring Jaune!" *WHACK!*

Yang raises an eyebrow at the odd activity, before tying '_Xenoblade 3' _to the end of her reel, and casts it out.

Gamer4's eyes shine out when he spies it. "Oh! Xenoblade 3! I didn't even know they were _working _on it yet! Gimme!"

He begins wheeling his way towards it rapidly, oblivious to the duct tape fishing line as it pulls the target of his affections away.

"Oh, come on, don't be shy!" he coos, wheeling as fast as he can. "There's no need to- uh... what?"

He tilts his head in confusion when he realizes he has wheeled onto a plate of some sort- next to a cliff. "Uh..."

Yang appears, her hand on a nearby lever, eyes gleaming with mischief. "Oh, hello, Gamer4..."

Realizing what is happening, Gamer4 laughs nervously. "Oh... hello, Yang!"

"So, Gamer4... do you believe you can fly?"

"No, no I don't!"

"Well, you always did have your head in the clouds!"

Gamer4's groan turns into a scream as he is launched into the air, careening towards the Emerald Forest. Yang turns and smirks at the camera. "So, remember, ladies! If the guys don't find you pretty, they should at least find you punny!"

XXXX

_WEAPON SHOP WITH RUBY_

"Hello, everyone!" Ruby smiles brightly as she takes a seat behind a workbench. "I know

this is normally where I'd go out and interview someone, but nobody really wants to talk to me right now... given the whole... spent Thanksgiving weekend in jail thing..."

She looks down for a moment before brightening up. "But that gives me the perfect opportunity to try out this new segment! I'm finally gonna get to upgrade someone's weapon- today, it'll be Crocea Mors, Jaune's sword! I got some great ideas in jail- Bubba was almost as big a weapons freak as _I _am!"

She produces the sword in question, sighing happily as she runs her hands up and down the blade. "Oh, sweetie... this is all I ever wanted..."

She blinks, then coughs embarrassedly into one hand. "Anyways... Bubba suggested infusing it with dust so Jaune can shoot beams of dust at his enemy!" Her eyes begin to grow starry. "And I thought that was just about the greatest idea ever! He could basically have his sword be a gun without it actually being a gun!"

She leans back and muses for a moment. "That said, the way he described it, he'd have to use his aura to do it, so it would only be something he did when he was at full aura- or _health, _as Bubba put it. He was kind of a weirdo. Anyways, that's what we'll be doing today, then I'll give him the sword, and we'll see how it goes between episodes, okay?"

She pulls out several vials of dust. "Uhh... heheh, don't tell Weiss I took these, okay? She'd freak out."

Without further adieu, she begins by attempting to drill a small cavity into the blade's hilt.

_...Attempting _being the key word.

"Come on, get through!" she grunts, putting as much force on the drill as she can.

It is only when she has put basically all of her weight- and the weight of Crescent Rose- behind it that the drill finally begins pressing into the sword- the moment this happens, the drill's handle begins spinning around, taking Ruby with it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

She finally lets go and slams into the wall with a loud thud.

"Okay..." her voice comes weakly from off-camera. "Maybe there are other ways of infusing his sword with dust... ways that are less... hurty."

"RUBY ROSE!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

SSSS

One brief cut later, and Ruby is sitting behind the workbench again, looking rather shamefaced as she nurses a bump on her head. "So... Weiss found out what I was doing... she took most of the dust back..."

She immediately brightens up. "But she left me some ice dust to put on my booboos, so I can use that!"

Completely disregarding its intended use, Ruby begins spilling ice dust over the sword and gently rubbing it in, blissfully unaware that Yang would later dub her voice over the clip- "Oh, yeah, baby, work the shaft..."

She was wearing gloves to protect from the intense cold, and sure enough, as she worked it in, they gradually became thick with frost.

Finally, she pulled back- "It is... _complete!_" She swings it around experimentally, and accidentally turns the entire room into a winter wonderland, including freezing the door shut. "...Uh-oh. Er... I should probably call Yang. Er... how do I sign off? Um... until next time... stay frosty?"

In immediate divine retribution, a lump of ice collapses out of nowhere and smacks her in the head.

XXXX

"So, have we learned anything today, Rubes?" Yang asks gently as she guides Ruby into the dorm, bundled up in blankets, red-faced, a thermometer in her mouth, and an icepack over the twin bumps on her head.

"Stop trying to take your position as Team RWBY's puntress?" Ruby guesses, dazed.

"Close enough for now," Yang shrugs. "Okay, you rest, and I'll tell the rest of my story."

"No... so laaaaame..."

"You just lay down in Ice Queen's bunk..."

"Weiss..."

Ruby collapses into the mattress, and is snoring soon enough. Yang turns to grin at the camera. "Okay, so we were having Thanksgiving dinner when we got a call on our scroll from General Ironwood- apparently, he'd been contacted by the police in Gamer4's town- they found my name on an envelope under half a ton of garbage. So I said, 'Yes, Ironwood... I cannot tell a lie... I put that envelope under that garbage.'"

"So... stupid..."

"We kept talking to each other, and eventually, got to the truth, and he had us go down to the police station where... there were a couple things that could have happened. Maybe they could have given us a medal for being so brave and honest- not very likely, we didn't expect that- or they could chew us out and tell us not to be seen driving garbage around again. That's about what we expected."

"But then..." Ruby rolls over in her sleep.

"Yeah, we got in the big purple pickup truck, with shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed down to the station, where Team RWBY was immediately arrested- we were handcuffed, and I looked up to Ironwood and said, 'Jimmy, I don't think I can pick up much garbage with these handcuffs on.'

"...He said, 'Shut up, kid.'"

"Blake actually kind of seemed to like that part..."

"So we ended up in the back of a patrol car, getting carted off to the- _quote, _'scene of the crime,' unquote. Now... when Gamer4 was describing his town to us, he said they had two police officers, one police car, but when we got to the-" She airquotes- "_scene of the crime, _there were twenty police officers, twelve police cars. Apparently, this was the biggest crime of the last fifty years- everybody wanted to get in the newspaper story about it."

"So... sleepy..." Ruby mutters, leaving us to wonder whether she is referring to herself or the town.

"The cops were all _over _it," Yang recalls. "Using up all the equipment that was gathering dust back at the station, I'm guessing. Taking prints, having their dogs try to get a scent, plasters of the tire tracks at the top of the cliff, and twenty-seven 8X10 glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, explaining what each one was, to be used as evidence against us. Pictures of the approach, the getaway, the corners, a bit of aerial photography..."

Ruby finally wakes up. "Oh, Dust, you're still going, aren't you?"

Yang smirks and continues on anyways. "So, Ironwood dragged us back to the police station, put us in a cell. He said, 'Kids, I'm gonna put you in a cell. Give me your wallets and your belts.'"

"Yeah, that was weird," Ruby nods. "I mean, I understand wanting our wallets, so we don't have money to spend in the cell..."

"But what did he want our belts for?" Yang nods in agreement. "Well, we asked, and he said 'Kids... we don't want any hangings.' We just looked him dead in the eye and said, 'Jimmy, did you think we were gonna hang ourselves for littering?'"

"I guess he was just making sure," Ruby shrugs.

"And a friend he was," Yang sighs, "because he took out the toilet seat so we couldn't hit ourselves over the head and drown. Took out the toilet paper so we couldn't use it to bend the bars, roll it out the window and escape."

"So we were in there for four or five hours," Ruby mutters, "when Gamer4- remember Gamer4? This story is about Gamer4- he shows up in a wheelchair and manages to talk the police into letting us go."

"Yup," Yang nods happily. "So he takes us all back to his place, and we sit down to a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat, called it a night, and didn't get up until the next day when-"

"Okay, that's enough," Ruby interrupts again. "I'm sure they get the picture now."

"But that's still not the end!"

"I'm your co-host, and I say it's the end."

"But-"

XXXX

_SISTERLY ADVICE WITH RUBY_

"Hello, everybody!" Ruby grins as she greets the camera. "Welcome to my advice corner, where we're gonna talk about silver linings!

"I know it's this huge cliche now that every cloud has a silver lining, but it's true! Just look at what happened over the past few days! We got arrested, and that's bad, but then I met Bubba! That's good! And he showed me a cool way to upgrade Jaune's sword! That's better!" She falters. "But then... Weiss found out and was mad... that's bad... but I still got to keep the ice dust! That's good! But then I froze the entire room... that's bad... but then Yang helped me get over it! That's good! But then... she kept telling the story... that's bad..."

She muses for a moment with a finger to her chin. "Okay... we'll call that homework! You try and figure out what the silver lining is to her telling that stupid story. Until next time, remember- I'm standing with you! We're all in this together!"

XXXX

**ADVENTURE TIME WITH JAUNE AND PYRRHA**

Hey, guys! I guess you guys already know by now that some weird stuff happened over Thanksgiving- but Pyrrha and I didn't get to see any of it. We were off on our own adventures- I ended up writing a song out of it. Um... if I may...

_I don't want a pickle_

_Just want to ride my motorsickle_

_I don't want to tickle_

_I'd rather ride on my motosickle_

_and I don't want to die_

_just want to ride on my motorcy..._

_cle._

It's... a pretty dumb song, but I thought I'd take the time today to tell how I wrote it, why, what for, all that good stuff.

Pyrrha and I were on our way to Gamer4's for Thanksgiving dinner, cruising down a mountain road. She was driving Yang's motorbike, after begging for long enough, and I was in the back strumming on my guitar. On one side of this mountain road, there was a mountain. On the other side, there was nothing- just a cliff in the air. She's rushing down there at over 200 miles per hour, when all of a sudden, by accident... a string broke off my guitar. It lashed out across the road, and wrapped itself around a yield sign. The sign didn't break, or come out of the ground, all while I'm holding tight onto my guitar. Pyrrha doesn't realize what's happening until the string forces her into a sharp turn off the road. Luckily, we didn't go into the mountain.

...We went over the cliff.

So now we were going a hundred fifty miles an hour, sideways and fifteen thousand feet down at the same time. We started looking for the cops because... well... suicide _is _illegal, and honestly, we knew that was it. We didn't have long to live in this world.

In those final moments, I decided it was my obligation to write one last farewell song. I pulled out my notebook, broke out a pen... the pen didn't write, I had to ask Pyrrha for another one... I leaned back and thought a while.

Finally, it came to me like a flash, like a vision burned across the sky! I wrote it down, and learned it, fast as I could.

_I don't want a pickle_

_Just want to ride my motorsickle_

_I don't want to tickle_

_I'd rather ride on my motorsickle_

_and I don't want to die_

_just want to ride on my motorcy..._

_cle_

Okay, I knew it wasn't the best song I ever wrote. But what can I say? I didn't have time to change it.

But you know, the most amazing thing is, we didn't die! Just as we were coming down, Pyrrha swung a police car underneath us, manipulated it into crumpling beneath us- and _it _died.

We rode into town at a screaming 175 miles an hour singing my new motorcycle song!

To celebrate, we stopped in front of an ice cream parlor, and right in front of the parlor was a faunus eating this _tremendous _pickle! And I'm talking a pickle the size of four pregnant bewolves, just a _huge MONSTER _pickle!

Pyrrha nudged my shoulder and pointed out a cord hanging from the long end of the pickle, running through the faunus's sleeves, shirt, pants, shoes, and down into a briefcase she had near her feet.

...I figured it wasn't an ordinary pickle.

But by the time I figured that out, a four foot cop showed up with a five foot gun.

...I think he might have been six foot three in the past, but he looked like he'd just been met at the bottom of a mountain by a pair of flying, singing, writing weirdos.

He walked up, and with one tremendous hand, took the pickle from the faunus. He threw it a hundred feet right into the air. Right as it was about to start coming down, he pulled out his gun and put a bullet hole right through it.

It started coming down.

He stuck out his foot, and caught the pickle on his big toe.

He kept it balanced as he reached his huge hand into his little pocket.

Pulled out a ten-foot ticket.

He borrowed my pen.

He wrote it up.

He _rolled _it up, and shoved it into the bullet hole in the pickle.

In one fluid motion, he took the pickle with the ticket, and shoved it down my throat.

And it was at that moment, that the pickle with the ticket was going down my throat that I realized... I didn't want a pickle.

_I don't want a pickle!_

_Just want to ride on my motorsickle!_

_I don't want to tickle-_

_I'd rather ride on my motorsickle!_

_And I don't want to die..._

_Just want to ride on my motorcy..._

_cle..._

XXXX

THE LONG MAIL BAG

"Hello, people, we're reading letters!" Yang states simply as she and Ruby take a seat at their usual table. "What we got today, Rubes?"

"We've got four letters today, Yang!" Ruby grins. "First off, a request to bring Steven Ripfist back- you know, the guy from last chapter?"

"Not gonna happen," Yang denies flatly. "Who would even _ask _that?"

"Oh, someone named... EvenStripfist?"

Yang lowers her lids halfway. "Throw it out."

"Okay," Ruby shrugs, crumpling the letter and throwing it to Yang, who burns it to cinders in her hand. "Anyways, next up, from SpiderShadow5! _Poor Ruby. At least in the end, you could say her spirits rose, am I right?_"

Yang turns to the camera. "Look, SpiderShadow, I'm willing to let bygones be bygones... but if you're trying to take my place as this show's main pungeon master, you'll have to do a lot better than that."

"He'd better not," Ruby groans. "That _last _thing we need are _two _of you."

"You're no fun," Yang sighs. "Next letter."

"Roger," Ruby nods, opening the next. "From Zagreus, we have a request to start a segment with Renora reacting to stuff!"

"Hmm, _maybe _we could work that in," Yang muses. "I know people really like those two, especially together-"

"But not together-together," both sisters chant in unison with Nora, sticking her head in specifically to offer her usual rebuttal.

"But I think that they might get their reactions in with the usual movie reviews- we could mix some DustTube stuff in there, too."

"Yeah, maybe we could even review Twin Peaks!" Ruby chirps brightly, only to grunt in surprise as Yang slaps a hand over her mouth.

"We're _not _shilling our producer's other stories," she growls seriously.

Ruby blinks. "What do you mean?" she asks, her voice muffled by her sister's hand.

"Nothing- put it from your mind," Yang orders cryptically. "Now... next letter."

Ruby throws her sister another odd gaze before opening the final letter. "From Guest, he pities George for the beatdown you gave him."

"Nobody makes my sister cry and gets away with it!" Yang growls.

"Yeah, but he didn't _mean _to," Ruby points out. "If anything, he was trying to make me feel better!"

Yang bites her lip. "Okay... _maybe _I owe him an apology..."

"There you go," Ruby nods happily, running a hand through Yang's hair.

Yang nods. "Hey, at least he didn't end up in the Emerald Forest like Gamer4, right?"

Ruby stops. "_Our producer's in the Emerald Forest?! His LEGS are broken!_"

Yang groans. "Okay, okay, I'll go get him," she mutters, taking off in the face of her sister's adorable anger. "Geez, bastard best consider himself lucky..."

XXXX

_**WEISS'S GAMING EXPERIENCE**_

Weiss sighs as she pulls up to the team's computer- she has yet to remove her prison garb. "This is _so _ridiculous..." she groans. "As I'm sure you are aware, we didn't have enough money to get another game this time, so instead, Yang got a fan-translated game off the internet. As she says, it doesn't really count if downloading it is the _only _way to play.

"Today's game is Live A Live. It was a game on the... Super Nintendo, or something like that? But it was never released here officially- according to Yang, it has the best fan translation since... what did she say... Mother 3, I think. That... is all I know."

She begins, and immediately faces a choice of seven scenarios. "Hmm... Ninja? Cowboy? Caveman? Robot? What manner of game _is _this? Hmm... wrestler, I suppose- that seems the most grounded."

Immediately, inspiring music started playing, of the type often associated with boxing movies, as far as to Weiss's knowledge. "Hmm... even in this scenario, I am being encouraged to decide who I wish to fight. This bears some thinking...

"Very well, I shall fight the Hawaiian man first."

Her eyes widen as she begins to piece together the rules of this scenario. "Hmm... when this man is hit by the special moves of others, he becomes capable of performing those moves himself. It almost reminds me of... something... I can't quite put my finger on-"

Ruby bursts in with a cloud of rose petals, shouts, "DON'T SCRATCH THE WALL!" at the top of her lungs, then bursts out again. Weiss blinks, and is somewhat out of it, until facing the final battle of her chosen route.

"Ah- this Odie Oldbright seems a rather wicked fellow," she narrows her eyes at him. "Prepare to face justice, you scoundrel!"

She smiles as she successfully smacks the evil boxer down, before being taken back to scenario select.

"Hmm... that was a rather generic plotline- not bad, however. Hmm... which scenario next? I always _was _a fan of sci-fi..."

Another click takes her to a spaceship in the distant future, where a newly-born robot is tasked with solving a series of odd deaths. Weiss progresses rather swiftly, as there is no direct combat this time around- until the final battle against the ship's computer itself- OD-10. "Hmm... OD-10?" Weiss raises an eyebrow. "Something about that... seems odd... but I have defeated it nonetheless. Next scenario- spaghetti westerns remind me of Klein..."

She smiles as she plays through the chapter, gleefully outshooting her opponents, and laying traps for the incoming gang- whose leader bore a gatling gun. "Stand down, Mr. O. Dio!" she calls as she knocks him down for good. "Wait- something about that seems familiar... but why?"

She shakes her head as she is taken back to the scenario select. "Well, Blake will hardly forgive me if I don't try the Ninja chapter...

"Fascinating! I must invade a castle, but the game is giving me a choice to kill everyone in my way, or sneak around and avoid open combat! Who is this warlord I must defeat? Ode... Iou..."

Her brows knit as Ode Iou transforms into a demon of sorts for their final battle. "Yes, there is definitely something nagging at me now... I'll try the Martial Arts chapter, and see if it carries through."

Her eyes widen at the surprisingly emotional twists and turns of this particular chapter, until she comes to the big bad- "Odie Wan Lee! It's a _little _different, but still... I need to see the next!"

Two rival tribes of cavemen, one of which worships a god they call- "O-D-O! There _is _something else to it!" Weiss declares. "_Odie O_ldbright... OD-10... O. Dio... Ode Iou... Odie Wan Lee... O-D-O..."

She brings up the final chapter, starring a psychic, also charged with piloting a giant mech against a cult dedicated to their god-

"ODEO! ODEO! I KNEW IT! I _KNEW _IT WOULD BE SOMETHING LIKE THAT!"

Weiss leans back in her seat, breathing heavily. "But what does it mean?" she wonders. "There's no more game- what does it-"

She falters as she returns to the scenario select screen- another chapter has been added.

"...Knight chapter," she whispers. "I... I wonder if..."

Her eyes widen as the chapter begins, and she plays through a blatant tragedy, biting her lip as bits and pieces of truth unfold before her, before she is returned to the chapter select, and encouraged to play through one final scenario.

By the time she has finally finished altogether, she has the look of someone who has no idea _what _to do. "That... is one of the most powerful games I believe I have played," she whispers. "I... I won't show you those last two chapters- it is not to me to spoil what they contain. If you have a computer... play this game. Every chapter is unique, and the story it tells... never have I seen something so intriguing... and the _message! _I have... nothing further to say. If you have a computer, you have nothing to lose- play. This. Game. That is my review- Schnee out."

XXXX

"Wow, she _really _liked that one," Ruby's eyes widen. "Maybe we should have had her play it earlier."

The door swings open and Yang enters, looking very tired. "Oh, Yang! Did you save the producer?"

"Yeah... just a little winded... from lugging his lard*REDACTED* through the whole forest. Can I finish my story now?"

"Do you really have to?" Ruby winces.

"Of course. So the next day, we had to go to court. We walked in and sat down. Then Ironwood came in with the twenty-seven 8X10 pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one- and sat down. A man came in, said 'All rise,' and we stood up... Jimmy stood up with the 27 8X10 pictures, and the judge walked in and sat down with a seeing-eye dog. He sat down, we sat down... Jimmy looked at the seeing-eye dog.

"...Then at the 27 8X10 glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one...

"Then back to the seeing-eye dog.

"...Then at the 27 8X10 glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, and started crying, because he'd come to the realization that _this _was a case of blind justice, and there was nothing he could do about it! The judge just wasn't going to look at the 27 8X10 glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, explaining what each one was, to be used as evidence against us-"

Ruby interrupts. "WE WERE FINED, SENTENCED TO TWO DAYS IN JAIL, AND HAD TO PICK UP THE GARBAGE IN THE SNOW! END OF STORY!"

Yang winces away, sticking a finger in her ear in an effort to stop the ringing. "Okay, geez, story over, happy?"

"Very," Ruby nods. "Now, let's sign off and get some rest- it'll be great to sleep in our normal beds again."

"No arguing that," Yang nods happily.

"Alright, thanks to our producer, Gamer4, our editor, GeorgeKYST, and our set designer, Breenut, for making this show possible!" Ruby cheers. "Thanks to the Red Green Show for inspiration, and a very special thanks this week to Arlo Guthree and his songs, _Alice's Restaurant Massacree _and _The Significance of the Pickle!_"

"And until next time," Yang beams, "don't wait too _Long, _we've got _Rose _more coming your way!"


	11. (Yet Another) Christmas Carol

Episode XI

(Yet Another) Christmas Carol

"Ho ho ho!" Ruby chortles as she appears in the center of a very festive dorm room, dressed in a santa outfit. "It's time for the Rose-Xiao Long Show! A very special Christmas to spend with your hero, my sister, Yang Xiao Looooong!"

Yang comes through the door, wrapped in several heavy coats that still leave her looking somewhat blue as she grins. "H-h-hey, everyone!" she greets through chattering teeth. "G-g-great to see you- t-t-t-time to celebrate our first C-C-Christmas together."

"Care to tell them why you're... like that?" Ruby asks, smirking.

"Oh, th-this?" Yang asks, gesturing to the several coats that don't seem to be doing a great job of keeping out the cold. "Well, Ice Q-Q-Queen d-d-didn't appreciate the p-p-prank we p-p-pulled on her..."

"_We _pulled on her?" Ruby interrupts, placing her hands on her hips. "As I recall, it was all _your _idea, and I didn't even know about it until the end!"

"Oh, shut up," Yang grimaces, wrapping her arms tightly around herself. "At least _you _got some c-c-c-cookies out of it."

"That _is _true," Ruby ponders. "Wanna tell them what that prank was?"

"Oh, yeah," Yang nods. "S-s-so we f-found out she never s-s-saw _A C-Christmas C-C-Carol, _so I th-th-thought it would be f-funny to l-let her live it f-f-firsthand."

"And she got everyone in on it except for me," Ruby pouts.

"Rubes, there's n-no _way _you w-w-wouldn't have g-g-given it away," Yang points out. "_I _th-thought we were d-d-done for when V-Vomit B-B-Boy messed up at the b-b-beginning..."

Ruby laughs raucously. "Yeah, when you said _Jacob _Marley, he heard _Bob _Marley."

Yang grins. "Y-yeah. Even if he d-d-did ruin the p-p-prank, it would have b-b-been worth it. He h-hops into our d-d-dorm with a g-guitar around his n-n-neck, st-starts telling her about the other g-g-g-ghosts... she st-starts freaking out, and he starts _singing._"

"Don't worry about a thing!" Ruby sings. "'Cause every little thing gonna be alright!"

"He c-c-can sing, he j-j-just can't write his own s-s-s-songs," Yang giggles. "I'm g-g-guessing that's why Ice Q-Queen didn't recognize him."

"That, his clothes, and the wig," Ruby adds. "He didn't go halfway, that's for sure."

"If only we g-g-got the same d-d-dedication from certain... _others,_" Yang mutters darkly.

"Cool story sis, and imma let you finish," Ruby beams, "but we need to get going to the next segment!"

Yang glances at her sister through half-closed lids. "D-d-don't ever d-d-do that again."

XXXX

_BLAKE'S FILM REVIEW_

Blake sighs as she sits down in a room with dim red and green lighting. "Once again, all my plans are destroyed by my own partner...

"Hello, everyone, and welcome to my film review. I _wanted _to review A Christmas Carol- the original book, you know, maybe compare some of the movies- but after the incident with Weiss, I think we're all a little Caroled out. Instead, I'll be reviewing a classic stop-motion Christmas movie..." She sighs heavily. "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose!" Yang butts in from off-screen.

"Yang, shut up!" Blake repeats the phrase that it often feels she is cursed to repeat ad-infinitum. "Anyways, I'm sure you know the story, but how does the original film stack up? If you're into the old classic stop-motion Christmas movies, then you'll enjoy it- it's got everything that people seem to like from that genre. It's got some light-hearted songs... but the story... _the story..._"

"Just for the record, _I _wanted her to review _A Christmas Story,_" Yang chimes in. "She _insisted _on this-"

"Yang!" Blake interrupts. "Ugh... I'm sure you already know what I'm going to say, but that's not going to stop me from saying it anyways. This story is _disgusting. _Because of his shiny nose, he is shunned and abhorred by all the other reindeer- even his own parents consider it such a disgrace that they cover it up with coal and force him to wear it all the time, making him sound like his nose is perpetually stuffed. But what do _they _care? At least people think their child is 'normal!'"

"Blake, you're getting excited-"

"Even Santa Claus doesn't help- that fat *REDACTED* just sits on his fat *EXPUNGED* *REDACTED* and _lets it all happen!_"

"Blake, you're doing that thing-"

"So he runs away and finds an increasingly large band of outcasts who actually accept him- an elf who wants to be a dentist, a miner out looking for silver, or gold, or whatever the *REDACTED*, and a friendly yeti. But then fog sets in, and suddenly they _need _that special power of his- they should come crawling to him on bended knees, but _nooooo!_"

"Blake, you really need to take one of your chill pills-"

"So, the moral of the story is, don't worry if you're different, just wait for others to arbitrarily need your help, then suddenly forgive them for every-"

*THUNK!*

Blake's eyes widen, and she flops over on the couch, fast asleep. Yang enters into frame, wiping her brow and blowing on her tranquilizer gun.

"Borrowed some tranquilizers from the producer," she explains off-hand. "Only way to stop Blake once she gets on one of her tirades. Anyways, good movie, check it out!"

XXXX

**TALES OF VALKYRIA**

Ren and Nora are outside in the courtyard, rolling up a colossal snowball. "Keep going, Renny!" Nora cheers as it becomes increasingly difficult to roll. "This is gonna be the greatest snowman ever made! People are gonna come from all _over _Remnant to see it!"

"Of course they will, Nora," Ren placates her as he briefly stops to wipe some sweat from his brow.

"Let's just hope it doesn't turn out like that time the snowmen came to life, right?"

"...I don't seem to recall that occasion."

"Well, I'd just seen Frosty the Snowman, so I decided to buy an old silk hat off a street vendor and try bringing one of my snowmen to life- it did, but then it tried to take over the world! It built its own army of snowmen and launched an assault on our house! You don't remember that?"

"I distinctly don't remember that."

"You don't remember trying to take it out with more snowballs?"

"That seems remarkably ineffective."

"It was! It only made it bigger, then it packed more snow onto itself and its minions, making an army of deranged killer monster snow goons!"

"I have a nagging suspicion you've been reading too many comics lately."

"It's true! Fortunately, I managed to get my hands on another silk hat and make my _own _army of snowpeople! It was a grueling war that lasted for days- until we finally sat them around for a peace treaty, and I slipped them all some _hot chocolate!"_

She stands proudly with her hands on her hips. "And that was the end of the snow goon menace!"

"Wonderful, truly wonderful," Ren indulges. "Now, I don't think this snowball can go any further. What say we-"

"We can't stop now, Ren- we need nine more!"

Ren blinks, meeting her with a steady gaze. "Nine more?"

"Well, yeah, this is just one of the toes!"

Ren sighs, pulling out his own thermos of hot chocolate. Good thing he'd predicted something like this...

XXXX

**PRANKSTER'S HANGOUT WITH YANG**

"H-h-hey, everyone, and w-w-welcome to m-my c-c-c-corner," Yang chatters as she sits behind her usual workbench. "I kn-kn-know you're p-p-probably l-looking forward to some C-C-Christmas p-pranks, b-b-but after... the incident... I f-f-figured it would b-be better to unwind with something s-s-simpler- we're g-g-gonna c-catch Santa.

"N-now, when it c-c-c-comes to c-catching Santa, the s-s-simpler, the b-b-better. The d-dudes been evading c-capture for over t-t-two thousand years now, he expects all those c-c-complex t-traps. No, you want s-s-something so m-m-mundane that he'd never think anyone would actually t-t-try it! W-w-we are g-g-gonna use a b-b-basic p-pitfall!"

She grins, and begins putting objects on her table. "F-f-for this operation, we're g-g-g-gonna need a s-s-saw, a p-p-plate of c-c-cookies, a g-g-glass of m-milk, and, of c-c-course, the ultimate w-weapon in any p-p-prankster's arsenal- d-d-duct t-tape."

She takes a deep breath. "Okay- what w-we're g-gonna do is h-head back t-t-to our d-d-dorm..."

SSSS

"And s-s-saw open the f-f-floor in front of the c-c-cookie table!" Yang continues in her dorm, producing the saw and quickly opening a perfectly circular hole, smirking at the camera. "I'm sure W-W-Weissy will f-forgive m-me when I show her S-Saint Nick- she's almost as excited as R-Rubes.

"Now, st-st-step 2- d-duct t-tape the hole shut! I happen t-to have t-t-tape that p-p-perfectly m-matches the f-f-floor, so I'll just do that..."

She expertly duct tapes over the floor, doing it so effectively that the casual onlooker would hardly notice. "N-n-now, we l-l-lay the b-b-bait, and w-w-wait."

SSSS

Night time falls, and Yang peers gleefully out at her trap. Her heart nearly stops when a figure in red appears in the doorway, eagerly making its way over to the cookies- only to fall with a loud, _feminine _scream as they break the duct tape. Yang's eyes widen, and she jumps down.

"DUST *REDACTED* YANG!"

Yang winces, smiling sheepishly, knowing she doesn't even have any ground to get mad for the profanity. "Oh- sorry, Rubes! Forgot I had another cookie-lover on my hands! If it makes you feel better, you can keep the cookies!"

Yang turns to the camera, smiling shyly. "So, I guess that's that- we'll finish the episode on Christmas Day..."

She wraps up her segment, happily oblivious to the dark Ruby-aura rising above her. "Until then, remember, ladies- if the guys don't find you pretty, they should at least find you punny- OOF!"

XXXX

_INTERVIEW WITH A ROSE_

Ruby is prancing around the hall once again when she is greeted by a beaming Neo. "Oh, Neo!" she says brightly, before suddenly tensing. "Wait, aren't you the one who fought Yang on the train during the breach?"

Neo raises her hands to her chest and bats her eyelids. _Me? I would never!_

"Okay... I'll trust you for now," Ruby decides tentatively. "I mean, it _is _Christmas, and all. So, how're _you _spending Christmas? With your team?"

Neo shakes her head rapidly and fervently, beckoning Ruby to follow her outside, where she begins scooping up fallen snow- of which there is an abundance. It is nearly four feet deep- the two girls are using their weapons just to fight their way through.

Neo then leads her back to her dorm, where Emerald and Mercury are absent- Neo loads the snow into a red, solid plastic ball, and suddenly throws it at Ruby without mercy.

Ruby lets out a yelp, but manages to catch it. "What was _that _about?!"

Neo beckons at her- _C'mon, throw it back!_

Ruby tilts her head, but does as she is bid- Neo catches it and wings it right back at her. Ruby begins to smile as they toss the ball back and forth for several minutes, until suddenly, Neo stops, taking the ball and opening it up, dumping the contents into a bowl- Ruby's eyes widen as she spies a bowl of soft-serve ice cream. "Wow! An ice cream maker!"

Neo signs away at her- _Snow makes the best ice cream._

As evidence, she offers Ruby the bowl, beaming happily as Ruby tasted it, her eyes widening. "This... this is really good!"

Neo shrugs as she spins the ball around on her finger. _Gift from my Dad- I use it every Christmas._

She pushes the bowl back into Ruby's hands. Ruby's eyes widen. "I can... take it?"

_Merry Christmas!_

"Best interview ever!" Ruby gushes. "Any closing comments?"

Neo raises a finger to her chin in thought, then smirks before signing a message.

_Those cookies you like are about to come back in style._

"Uh... okay?" Ruby blinks the question marks out of her eyes before turning and dashing back down the hallway. "Thanks!"

Neo waves her off before getting started on her next batch of ice cream.

XXXX

WE INTERRUPT YOUR NORMAL BROADCAST TO BRING YOU:

SILLY SONGS WITH EDITOR GEORGEKYST

GeorgeKYST is standing in the middle of a large field, shoveling at coal. He heavily resembled Ren, but with violet eyes and hair streak instead of magenta. He is shoveling in time with his song.

_You're a *EXPUNGED,* Cinder Fall._

_You really are a heel!_

_You're as cuddly as a cactus _

_and as charming as an eel, Cinder Fall!_

_You're a bad banana with a..._

_greasy black peel!_

_You're a monster, Cinder Fall._

_Your heart's an empty hole!_

_Your brain is full of spiders,_

_you've got garlic in your soul, Cinder Fall!_

_I wouldn't touch you with a... _

_thirty-nine and a half foot pole!_

He picks up a forty-foot net and throws it casually behind himself before continuing to shovel.

_You're a vile one, Cinder Fall._

_You have termites in your smile!_

_You have all the tender sweetness_

_of a seasick crocodile, Cinder Fal!_

_Given the choice between you, I'd take the..._

_Seasick crocodile!_

He takes another moment to spit in the direction he's shoveling, then gets back to singing.

_You're a foul one, Cinder Fall._

_You're a nasty, *EXPUNGED* skunk!_

_Your heart is full of Gamer's socks,_

_your soul is full of gunk, Cinder Fall!_

_The three words that best describe you are, as follows, and I quote:_

"_Stink, stank, stunk!"_

He spits again.

_I *EXPUNGED* hate you, Cinder Fall._

_You're the queen of sinful sots!_

_Your heart's a dead tomato,_

_splotched with moldy purple spots, Cinder Fall!_

_Your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgusting rubbish from Gamer4's nest, mangled up..._

_In tangled-up knots!_

He beckons a black-and-white cat to relieve herself in the pile of coal he's shoveling, then smirks wickedly at the horrified look on Cinder Fall's face before continuing his shoveling.

_You nauseate me, Cinder Fall._

_With a nauseous super naus!_

_You're a crooked, jerky jocky_

_and you drive a crooked hoss, Cinder Fall!_

_You're a rancid steak marinated in cat urine for three days before burned to a charred crisp,_

_with arsenic sauce!_

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING

XXXX

"Well, that was... unsettling," Yang notes nervously as she and Ruby watch that footage back. "I guess he... really doesn't like Cinder."

"Now all we need is for Gamer4 to get involved," Ruby sighs.

"Nah, he's busy taking care of something back home," Yang shakes her head. "Won't be interfering with us for a while."

Ruby smiles as she shoves a cookie into her mouth, left over from the previous night. Yang snaps her fingers. "Oh, right! My story! So Jaune left after his Bob Marley act, which was pretty funny, now that I think about it, then we sent in Pyrrha playing the ghost of Christmas Past! We figured she was the best candidate- she probably has the best understanding of Weiss's background, what with the whole, 'being a champion' thing and everything."

"But that's what messed her up in the end," Ruby sighs.

"Yup," Yang agrees. "She got a little _too _into it, started describing her _own _backstory, which just confused the *REDACTED* out of Weiss, I'd imagine, especially when she started describing falling in love with a blond boy who's completely oblivious to her affections."

Ruby snorts. "Yeah, that's when _I _noticed."

"We had to get her outta there in a hurry," Yang recalled. "Then we set up Nora as the Ghost of Christmas Present- she wanted to do future with Ren, but when she found out she got a big ol' pile of pancakes, it was a lot easier to convince her. She got really into it, describing all the reasons she loves the holiday, showing off how Team CFVY was celebrating at the time- they had a bottomless coffee bar, it was rough keeping Nora away from that- before she suddenly started talking about how Ruby was gonna drop dead if she didn't change her ways."

"Why would she say that?" Ruby wonders. "I really didn't get that part- how is Weiss being Weiss gonna lead to me dying?"

"Caught me by surprise too," Yang recalls. "I mean, I know it was in the original story, but you'd think she coulda toned it down a bit."

"That's why she got me the cookies, right?" Ruby puts in.

"I think it was something along those lines, yeah," Yang nods. "Eventually, she managed to swing past us into the coffee, and that's where things got _really _strange- she decided that Velvet and Coco were her daughters, told Velvet she needed to stop seeing Cardin-"

"Milk came out of my nose when I heard _that,_" Ruby snorts. "Then again- it _is _Christmas, so maybe-"

"Don't go too far down that road, sis," Yang cuts her off.

"I think I will, actually," Ruby smiles. "IN THE NEXT SEGMENT!"

"But I still haven't finished-"

XXXX

_SISTERLY ADVICE WITH RUBY_

"So, it's Christmas time," Ruby smiles behind her desk. "Christmas time is great! Who doesn't love it? Even if you have a different name for it, you still love it! Call it Hanukkah, Kwanza, whatever! That's why I don't get upset if anyone said Happy Hanukkah or Kwanza, and I don't think they get upset when I say _Merry Christmas_\- at the end of the day, it's all the same feelings of well-wishes, right?

"There's no need to get upset over what someone _calls _the holiday, as long as the feelings are there! I can say Merry Christmas, then have Sun reply with Happy Kwanza, then have Professor Peach chime in with Happy Hanukkah, and we're all just wishing each other well- none of us have done anything wrong!

"I mean, this is the time of year that brought the War for Remnant to a halt- the feelings of goodwill towards our fellow man were so strong that soldiers on the front lines laid down their weapons and broke out their booze- at least, that's how Uncle Qrow always told the story. He _would _focus on that...

"What I'm trying to say is, for today, I think we can all set our animosities aside, and just join in and be one big family. Today, I'm giving you homework- go to the person you have the biggest grudge with, and give them a big ol' hug. Please? For me?" She blinks her silver eyes in her best puppy-dog impersonation.

"Well, that's my time for now- until next time, remember- I'm standing with you- we're all in this together!"

XXXX

**ADVENTURE TIME WITH PYRRHA AND JAUNE**

Hello, again, and a Merry Christmas to you all! Oh... sorry! Happy holidays? Happy... non-denominational winter holiday? That... takes too long to say. I'll just say Merry Christmas.

This year was... interesting, to say the least. Jaune and I went into Vale on Christmas Eve to get some last-minute presents for Ren and Nora, and ended up getting chased around by a couple of crooks- they were rather... stereotypical, in black-and-white striped clothing. Jaune took the opportunity to drop another hint at his desire for an official Nomad of Nowhere air rifle, which I refused- I have no desire to see him shoot his eye out.

The bandits chased us into an empty building, where Jaune took charge of the situation- he began pulling all sorts of supplies out of his pockets. It strained believability, but that's how his pockets are- I simply smile and nod at this point.

With the various paraphernalia in his pockets, we began laying traps for the bandits- he said he'd seen this in a Christmas movies as a kid. I was skeptical that a children's Christmas movie would involve a pit full of needles that one must go through to find a key to the exit, or a shotgun set to go off when triggered by nearly invisible wire, but he _is _my leader, so...

It was rather painful watching them go through some of those traps, and Jaune wasn't done- he managed to get a glass box onto one of their heads and start filling it with water- that bandit- a woman, by the looks of things- had to creatively use a pen to get herself out of that one. It got a little unnerving when he tricked one of them into triggering a flamethrower trap- it was almost like he was starting to enjoy it. I mean, I _assume _that's what the wild cackles meant. Difficult to say for sure.

The final straw seemed to be when one of them got a bear trap stuck on the woman's head- Jaune shoved the key down the man's throat, and they ended up chasing each other out of the building. Jaune stood tall and proud, ready to give a victory speech, when he accidentally triggered one of his own traps, leaving some very nasty scars in his face, causing him to clap his hands to his cheeks as he screamed.

I managed to help him use his aura to mostly heal them, but there's some scarring left over. It just makes him look more charming in my opinion- er, did I say that out loud? Forget I said that.

I just wonder how he plans to explain those scars to everyone back at Beacon...

XXXX

THE LONG MAILBAG

"Alright, Christmas mailbag!" Ruby cheers as she dives into her seat at Yang's side. "Three letters for the reading!"

"The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit," Yang pats her on the head. "How fitting."

"Alright, first from Zagreus, who would like to recommend something called Welcome to Night Vale!"

"Isn't that the working title for the producer's other story?" Yang asks, confused.

"Nah, that was just 'Welcome to Vale,'" Ruby corrects. "Now just Vale. No, I think I've heard of this one! It's a podcast- NightMind talked about it a ways back!"

"Really?" Yang asks, interest piqued. "Is that one of the episodes that got pulled for copyright?"

"Nope!" Ruby beams, popping the p.

"Huh, may have to check it out at some point," Yang nodded. "Things are a little rushed right now, but I'm sure we can make some time."

"He says we won't regret it!" Ruby chirps. "Alright, now for SpiderShadow- he's upset at your response to his pun."

"Okay, I'll admit, it wasn't bad," Yang shrugs, "but I don't take kindly to people trying to hijack my schtick, capisce?"

"She worked _very _hard on it," Ruby deadpans through half-lidded eyes. "How very dare you, sir?"

She clears her throat. "Anyways, he'd also like to recommend a movie for Weiss to review."

"Oh, sure, what is it?"

"Some animated movie called Food-"

Ruby squeaks as Yang suddenly slaps a hand over her mouth, glancing around in horror. "Don't say that name, it's cursed," she hisses. "Okay... I'll see what I can do. I hope you realize what you're asking for, here."

She stops and pulls away when Ruby licks her hand. "Urgh!"

"Learned it from you, sis!" Ruby grins at her, before turning to the final letter. "Okay, finally, from Konstantinsen- he wants to congratulate me on my Crocea Mors job! Thank you very much! We're gonna keep this train going! I'm already laying out some more plans- Weiss actually put in a request of her own, as I'll show-"

"Don't get carried away, sis," Yang interrupts, placing a hand on her shoulder. "We still gotta wrap this segment up."

"Oh, of course! Please, drop some letters into our mailbag for next episode! It would be a perfect Christmas present for us! See you at the end!"

XXXX

_**WEISS'S GAMING EXPERIENCE**_

Weiss sighs as she sits at her gamestation, her profile booting up. "You have no _idea _how difficult it is to find anything qualifying as a 'Christmas' game," she grumbles. "The best I've been able to find after nearly a month of searching is..."

The screen shifts to the title screen of _Kingdom Hearts._

"Yes, Kingdom Hearts, 1.5 plus 2.5... Guns of the... Evangelion." She sighs wearily. "I don't get these titles, to be perfectly candid. I've not played any games in this series since the first, but I have been made aware of a Christmas Town in the second title, so that's what I'll be playing today. The first game's plot was decently simple- I see there are two games on this collection as well- Chain of Memories and... er... 358 half days? Hmm... 179 days?"

Her scroll rings, and she answers it- a cascade of loud voices scream out of it- "THREE FIVE EIGHT DAYS OVER TWO!" Flames pour out of the speaker, prompting Weiss to squeak in surprise as she quickly drops the scroll and stomps it out.

"Very well, Three Five Eight Days Over Two!" she raises her hands in surrender. "My apologies! Anyways, I presume that these are mere sidegames in the franchise, that shouldn't impede my enjoyment of II- I'll only be playing to Christmas Town anyways."

She starts the game and starts bobbing her head along with the music. "Ah, Simple and Clean. I do recall enjoying this music. This is a nice recap of the first game, except- er..."

She tilts her head. "I don't recall Sora and Rikku playing tag in a white void in the first game. Could this be foreshadowing to events to come?"

She only grows more confused as the story begins. "...Roxas? Who is Roxas? Where's Rub- er, Sora? What is going on here?"

She continues playing, looking for any indication that this is actually a Kingdom Hearts title, until her eyes brighten upon obtaining the keyblade. "Well, at least we have _that _going for us. The keyblades are an excellent concept, if I may say so. Perhaps I can convince Ruby to craft one for me."

"Order taken!" chimes Ruby's voice- judging by Weiss's surprised reaction, she wasn't even aware of Ruby's presence.

"Okay... oh... oh dear..."

Her eyes begin to tear up as the prologue comes to an end. "How... how tragic... I don't know this character, but... I find myself drawn to him... and he must die for Sora to return? Why is Sora in that chamber anyways? What did I miss? Why must it all happen this way?"

Some tears finally fall as the prologue comes to an end- then immediately drops her into the main game.

"Hmmm," Weiss springs on the new worlds as a welcome reprieve from her grief. "Oh, Mulan! I always _did _appreciate that movie- it always reminds me of Ren, for some reason."

Her scroll rings- she checks it and rolls her eyes. "No, not because they're both eastern, Blake, get off my back!"

She grumbles and returns to the game. "Ah- Halloween Town- and presumably Christmas Town as well. Wait, does that mean-"

Her eyes brighten as she enters Christmas Town. "YES! Santa is canon! That... actually, I'm not entirely certain how to feel about that. Hmm... perhaps I should have asked Santa for directions to where my true father is- but I mustn't let that drag me down. I _will _find him eventually- and we'll celebrate Christmas together!"

She brings the game to a halt. "Once more, I may come back to finish this game at a later time, but I have fulfilled my intentions for today- I defeated... _Oogie Boogie..._" She wrinkles her nose, "through the power of Christmas magic. There is little more 'Christmas' to squeeze from this game- until next time, I must bid you farewell."

XXXX

"Huh- whoda thunk?" Yang muses. "She handled that pretty well, for skipping out on Chain."

"I guess she's too worn out after your prank to worry about much else," Ruby suggests.

"Yeah- dangit, Blake, for giving the game away," Yang grumbles. "Everything was going so well, even after Nora had her episode, when Blake and Ren come in, standing on each other's shoulders, wearing a big ol' hood. Ren was trying to keep closer to the story- he followed up on Nora talking about Ruby dying, but trying to change it a bit too- something about her losing her voice and never singing again. Then _Blake _decides she's going to hijack it and make the whole thing about faunus rights!"

"That was awkward," Ruby agrees awkwardly. "I hate it when people have to force things into stories where they don't belong..."

"Well, that's Blake," Yang grunts. "Since we hadn't really been talking about faunus up until then, that's when Weiss started realizing what was actually going on- Bob Marley, pancakes of human kindness, Pyrrha ranting about her own story... she knocked them both over, and Blake just gave me away! Some partner!"

"To be fair, I'm pretty certain Weiss already knew- Blake was just giving extra confirmation."

"Yeah, yeah," Yang grumbles. "Thanks to her, I spent all of yesterday frozen to the bone and chattering my teeth off! Merry *REDACTED* Christmas, huh?"

"A _very _Merry Christmas!" Ruby chirps brightly, far more sincerely. "And we hope all of you did, too! A very Merry Christmas from us to you! Thanks to our set designer, Breenut, our editor, GeorgeKYST, and our producer, Gamer4!"

"And, of course, to our inspiration, the Red Green Show!" Yang nods, bringing a smile back to her face. "See you all next year- until then, don't wait too _Long, _we've got _Rose _more coming your way!"


End file.
